(Warning: Depending on your religious bias--or
lack thereof--some of these jokes could be offensive.)
The Town of Dudley is a staunch Christian town where everyone goes to church. One dark and rainy Sunday they all went to church as usual.
During the vicar's usual boring sermon, the ground shook, the windows shattered, and the candles went out. And Satan popped out of the ground, roaring.
Everyone ran except a timid character called "Mrs. Thomson's husband." No one knew his real name.
Satan wandered over and demanded, "Why are you not running? I am the mighty Satan!" And he gave out a roar.
"I am not scared of you, Lucifer," retorted Mrs. Thomson's husband.
Satan could hardly believe his ears. "Why not?" he demanded.
Mrs. Thomson's husband rolled his eyes in disgust. "Because I have been married to your sister for 15 years!"
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count,' St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing," St. Peter assured him. "The week's a freebie."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
A TRUE STORY
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic? (absorbs heat) Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyles Law or
some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets into hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion we can project that all people, and all souls, go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyles Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
#1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Therese Banyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
AND THIS COMMENTARY ON GENESIS:
It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the Garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam, and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam, and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
HEAVEN'S GROCERY STORE
I was walking down life's highway a long time ago.
One day I saw a sign that read, "Heaven's Grocery Store."
As I got a little closer the door came open wide,
and when I came to myself I was standing inside.
I saw a host of angels. They were standing everywhere.
One handed me a basket and said, "My child, shop with care."
Everything a Christian needed was in that grocery store.
And all you couldn't carry, you could come back the next day for more.
First, I got some Patience. Love was in the same row.
Further down was Understanding: you need that everywhere you go.
I got a box or two of Wisdom, a bag or two of Faith.
I just couldn't miss the Holy Ghost, for it was all over the place.
I stopped to get some Strength and Courage to help me run this race.
By then my basket was getting full, but I remembered I needed some Grace.
I didn't forget Salvation, for Salvation was free,
so I tried to get enough of that to save both you and me.
Then I started up to the counter to pay my grocery bill,
for I thought I had everything to do the Master's will.
As I went up the aisle, I saw Prayer: and I just had to put that in,
for I knew when I stepped outside, I would run into sin.
Peace and Joy were plentiful; they were last on the shelf.
Song and Praise were hanging near, so I just helped myself.
Then I said to the angel, "Now, how much do I owe?"
He smiled and said, "Just take them everywhere you go."
Again, I smiled and said, "How much do I really owe?"
He smiled again and said, "My child,
Jesus paid your bill a long, long time ago."
ALL THINGS WHATSOEVER YOU SHALL ASK IN PRAYER,
BELIEVING, YOU SHALL RECEIVE." (MATTHEW 21:22)
There's a Call for You...
The Bishop runs into the Pope's quarters and says, "Your Holiness, I have good news and I have bad news!"
Pope: "What's the good news?"
Bishop: "Jesus has returned to earth! He's on the phone and wants to speak with you!"
Pope: "And the bad news?"
Bishop: "He's calling from Salt Lake City!"
Who or What is God?
Many important theological questions are answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer:
Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.
Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions.
Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.
Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars.
Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project. Now we are in the maintenance phase.
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.
Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.
Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a backup tape.
Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching those files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.
Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.
Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.
Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.
Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.
Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.
Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail.
God's Last Vacation
A friend asks God where he's going on holiday this year. God replies, "Certainly not Earth again! I went there about 2 millennia ago, got some girl pregnant...and they haven't stopped talking about it since!"
What Do You Want Them To Say?
Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher, who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat. One says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor, and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige. He wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap
The Mother Superior is the first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Miss Bee was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!
Surely Miss Bee had flipped...or something. But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bee," he said, pointing toward the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this."
"Oh yes," she replied. "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter!"
One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision. He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure.
The Lord said he would call this being "woman."
So St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man, yet was different in ways that would be appealing, and could provide physical pleasure to man.
When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called "woman," he summoned The Lord.
"Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job," said The Lord.
"Thank You, O Great One," replied St. Peter. "I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings, and senses to this being, this...woman. I require your assistance on this matter, O Lord."
"You shall make her brain slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man's," said The Lord.
"The nerve endings," said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?"
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Two hundred, O Mighty One," replied St. Peter.
"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.
"And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?" inquired St. Peter.
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Seventy five, O Mighty One," replied St. Peter.
"Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet so they benefit from having less nerve endings there. Do the same for woman," said the Lord.
"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals?" inquired St. Peter.
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Four hundred and twenty, O Mighty One," replied St. Peter.
"Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord.
"Yes, O Lord," said St. Peter.
"No, wait," said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten thousand! I want her to scream out my name!"
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" she sighed.
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"