(Warning: Depending on your religious bias--or
lack thereof--some of these jokes could be offensive.)
A guy from Tyson Foods arranged to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispered, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you! If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...' we will donate $500 million dollars to the church."
The Pope responded, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."
"Well," the Tyson man said, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...' "
Again the Pope replied, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."
Finally the Tyson guy said, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the Church if you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...' " And he left.
The next day, the Pope met with the College of Cardinals to say that he had good news and bad news. "The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion. The bad news is that we are losing the Wonder Bread account."
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," God said.
Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.
"The other organ I have for you is called a penis," he explained. "It will allow you to reproduce your now-intelligent lifeform, and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children, and share exquisite pleasure with her!"
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
A guy is at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter leafs through his Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. St. Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and finally says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad, either. Tell you what, if you can tell me about one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks a moment and then says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway, and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of them, torturing this chick.
"Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
"As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh," the guy says with a shrug, "about two minutes ago."
THE POPE GOES TO HEAVEN
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith, and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholics and non-Catholics alike.
As the Pope approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter greeted him in a firm embrace, and said, "Welcome, Your Holiness! Your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in Heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay, and are granted free access to all parts of Heaven."
The Pope just smiled.
St. Peter continued, "You are also granted an open door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet with any Heavenly leader, including the Father, without prior appointment. Now, is there anything Your Holiness desires?"
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."
St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the Heavenly library, and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pop was thrilled, and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.
Several months later, a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library! Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an 'R'! There's an 'R'! It's celibRate!"
NUMBERS OF THE BEAST
Okay, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that:
665.999 - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
/666 - Beast Common Denominator
666 ^ (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 - Binary of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666 - Area code of the Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now!
Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 - Where the Beast gets its kicks
666° F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
6.6610294819101294814 - Pentium version of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
WHERE IS GOD??
There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them.
Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the rabbi to talk with the boys, and he agreed.
The mother went to the rabbi and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent the younger son to the rabbi.
The rabbi sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the rabbi pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the rabbi pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Young man, I ask you, where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'"
His brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're in BIG trouble. God is missing and they think we did it !!!"
FOREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN.....
The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest. But the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"
Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
St. Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"
The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one," says St. Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question," says St. Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name. Everbody probly knows it. It's Howard."
"Howard?" asks St. Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?"
Forest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks St. Peter, "Which prayer?"
"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."
The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.
"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much," said the nun.
"Very well, Sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade," said the company spokeswoman.
Mother Superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel'."
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Native American of at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man is laying. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."
A new pastor moved into a small town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally he took out his business card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. (Rev 3:20:-"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock; If any man hear my voice,
and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.")
Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his business card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10." (Genesis 3:10:--"And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, so I hid myself.")
Two nuns are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield!
"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun "What shall I do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination!" shouts the second.
The first nun switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!
"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican!" says the second.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"Now what?" screams the first nun.
"Show him your cross!" says the second
So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY FUCKING HOOD, ASSHOLE!!"
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS AN IRISHMAN:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother did not know who his father was .
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A BLACK MAN:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.
Clinton and the Pope die. Clinton goes to heaven, the Pope goes to hell. The Pope looks around and sees all the sex debauchery and dirty dealing in hell, and his horrified. So he goes over to the devil and says: "Hey, what's happening here? I was the Pope! I lived a good life! What am I doing here?"
The devil gets on the blower to St. Peter. "I've the Pope here!" he exclaims.
St. Peter says, "And I've got Clinton up here ..... Uh Oh, BIG mistake!!"
Shortly thereafter, Clinton is on the down escalator and the Pope is on the up escalator.
"What's it like down there?" Clinton asks as they pass midway to their new destinations.
"Oh, you'll love it," the Pope assures him. "A lot of sex, dirty deeds, and debauchery! What is it like up there?"
"Quiet enough," says Clinton with a slight shrug.
"Will I get to meet the Virgin Mary?" urges the Pope.
At that, Clinton smirks. "You're 15 minutes too late!" he grins. "She's just plain ol' Mary now!!!!!!!"
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?"
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi decided to satisfy his own curiosity. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
Boycotts of the Southern Baptists
Christmas carols, for promoting gay apparel
The Food Channel, because of repeated use of the terms "Beef Tenderloins" and "Chicken Breast"
Devil's Food Chocolate Birthday Cakes--oh, what the heck, birthdays, too!
Richard Simmons, because "There's something just not quite right about that man."
McDonald's, because "They're Irish."
No more Marilyn Manson concerts performed in Disney-owned venues
Pink Panther - gay or communist, hard to tell, doesn't matter
Warner Brothers for putting a talking, naked-from-the-waist-down pig in their cartoons
Marvin Gaye records
Mentos? The *Devil's* candy!
Federal Express - no respectable company says "package" in public
The New York Yankees, because George Steinbrenner is an assho -- Uh, a wretched sinner