(Warning: Depending on your religious bias--or
lack thereof--some of these jokes could be offensive.)
WHAT TO DO WITH JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES:
1) Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry (immediate results).
2) Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world, and see how long their spirit of Christian charity lasts.
3) Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.
4) Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the 42 children. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat. (Kings II, Chapter 2, some children are teasing God's prophet so he calls upon an angry bear to shred them to bits. Don't believe me? Go read it for yourself!)
5) Excuse yourself from your sitting room (or wherever) and DO NOT come back.
6) Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls (bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you).
7) Pick an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the, etc...) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.
8) Same as #7, except say "beep" instead of giggling.
9) (males only) Feign an intense interest in their spiel. Partway through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole works. Make encouraging noises ("uh huh, I see") throughout, and if they ask what you're doing, pull a #7. If they're still there when you are done, ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.
10) Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.
11) Sadly, this one really does work every time--tell them you're a witch. Any other religion is fair game, but nothing scares them off like witchcraft (the one religion that, ironically, they should be fighting the hardest!).
It got crowded in heaven, so it was decided only to accept people who'd really had a bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates and said to the first man: "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out on the balcony--we live on the 25th floor--and found this man hanging over the edge by his finger tips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands."
"He fell but landed in some bushes, so I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony rail and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day and a crime of passion, so he let him in. He then asked the next man in line about his day.
"Well sir, it was awful," the second man said. "I was doing aerobic exercises on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I lost my balance and fell over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding my fingers. I was saved by some bushes. But then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven, and decided he could really get to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died, " he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this. I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator.........."
A pompous Baptist minister was seated next to an overbearing attorney on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather savagely rape a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."
The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice!"
A group of nuns huddles at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter asks "Who would you like to be here in heaven?" It's a trick question ... a "Go-No-Go" question.
The first nun says, "I wanta be Sophia Loren", and 'poof!' she's gone.
The second says, "I wanta to be Madonna", and 'poof!' she's gone.
The third says, "I wanta be Sara Pipalinni."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalinni!" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No Sister, this says " 'THE Sahara Pipeline was laid by 500 men in 7 days'! "
[Editors note: Does she get 'poofed' for the thought too?]
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.
St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving, and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
A priest, Father Fernando, and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.
There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor, but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest, Father Fernando said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father Fernando, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.
Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father Fernando, I'm still very cold."
He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her, and got into the sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father Fernando, I'm sooooo cold."
This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."
The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the Father Fernando yelled out, "Get up and get your own damn blanket!"
There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest, and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week!"
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street, and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful, and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she'd had too much to drink, and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
At that, the bartender nodded. "Well, if you're that far, you may as well finish."
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."
The teacher praised the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand. The little boy said, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."
"Very good," said the teacher.
The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. Oh no, she thought, I'm not gonna like this. "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" she reluctantly asked.
Little Johnny thought for a minute, and said, "Your feet."
The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.
He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air, and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' "
At Sunday school, the teacher asked little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"
"Sure," little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard."
Divine Press Release
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily."
Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice Department to expand his investigation, to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men." Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.
In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister," the priest sneered, "it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father," the drunk replied. "I was just reading here that the Pope does."
REDMOND, WA--(BUSINESS WIRE) --17 January, 1998 -- Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God Himself.
The new product would be named, predictably enough, "Microsoft God," and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998. "Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said 'Reverend' Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with."
The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:
Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.
Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server.
Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.
Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user's Microsoft God server.
Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.
Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satanism, that would attempt to render Microsoft God installations inoperable.
Olympic Events in Hell
- Removing "Plastic Clamp Sensor from Just-Purchased Clothing with Common Household Utensil" Competition
- Discus Inferno
- 666-yard Ass-Luge Down A Razor Blade Into Cold Alcohol
- Naked Hot Oil Sumo Wrestling
- Marge Schott-Put
- Giant Slalom and Gomorrah
- Synchronized Sinning
- Men's 500,000,000,000,000,000 Meter Barefoot Speed Skating
- Pummel Horse
- Mobius Strip "Loogie" Luge
- Karla Faye Tucker Pickaxe Toss
- Disfigure Skating
- Lawyer vs. Insurance Salesman Speed Talking Competition
- Clean 'n' Sober Snowboarding
Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate, and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK," says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away, and I sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK," says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the Nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well, now, what's going on here?" says St.Peter.
"Well, your Excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it!"