(We've all been in at least a few...)

Battle Of The Sexes:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item that he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering
the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

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These are a few quotes to think about from some of the world's most witty and wicked women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Diaries
It's the good girls that keep the diaries because the bad girls don't have the time.

Diets
I have been on a diet for two weeks, and all I have lost is two weeks.

Education
A good education is usually harmful to a dancer; a good calf is better than a good head.

Family
It takes a mother twenty years to make her son a man, and it takes another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.

2. The kind of man who thinks that helping with the dishes is beneath him will also think that changing a diaper is beneath him, and then he certainly will not succeed as a good father.

Fashion
You'd be surprised at how much it costs to look this cheap.  (Dolly Parton)

Fate
Life is something that happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

Husbands
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits, then complain that he is not the man she married?

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Q.      How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A.      Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

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What I Want In A Man, Original List

1.      Handsome
2.      Charming
3.      Financially Successful
4.      A Caring Listener
5.      Witty
6.      In Good Shape
7.      Dresses with Style
8.      Appreciates the Finer Things
9.      Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10.    An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What I Want In A Man, Revised List

1.      Not too ugly
2.      Doesn't belch and/or scratch in public
3.      Works steady
4.      Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5.      Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6.      Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7.      Usually wears matching socks
8.      Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9.      Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10.    Shaves on weekends

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Bathrooms:

     A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
     The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

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"What a man wants in a woman..."

What a man wants most in a woman is himself.

How true...how true!

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Relationships....

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.  He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.  A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:  'Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.'

And Roger is thinking:  'Gosh. Six months.'

And Elaine is thinking:  'But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?'

And Roger is thinking:  '...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...  Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here!'

And Elaine is thinking:  'He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.'

And Roger is thinking:  'And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600!'

And Elaine is thinking:  'He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.'

And Roger is thinking:  'They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the bastards.'

And Elaine is thinking:  'Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me.  A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.'

And Roger is thinking:  'Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...'

''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.

''What?'' says Roger, startled.

''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have...I feel so..."  (She breaks down, sobbing.)

''What?'' demands Roger.

''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight.  I really know that.  It's silly.  There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' asks Roger, growing more and more confused.

''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine asks.

''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

''It's just that...  It's that I...  I need some time,'' Elaine confesses.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

''Yes,'' he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she asks.

''What way?'' asks Roger, a little worried again.

''That way about time,'' says Elaine.

''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.

''Thank you,'' says Roger, feeling relieved again.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechs he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.  In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said, and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''

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101 Funny Ways To Turn Down A Date!

1 I have to floss my cat.

2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.

3 I want to spend more time with my blender.

4 The President said he might drop in.

5 The man on television told me to say tuned.

6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.

7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.

8 It's my parakeet's bowling night.

9 It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.

10 I'm building a pig from a kit.

11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.

12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.

13 There's a disturbance in the Force.

14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.

15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.

16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.

17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.

19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.

20 My crayons all melted together.

21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

22 I'm in training to be a household pest.

23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.

24 My patent is pending.

25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.

26 I'm sandblasting my oven.

27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.

28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.

29 I'm being deported.

30 The grunion are running.

31 I'll be looking for a parking space.

32 My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.

33 The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.

34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.

35 I have to fluff my shower cap.

36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.

37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.

38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.

39 My plot to take over the world is thickening.

40 I have to fulfill my potential.

41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.

42 It's too close to the turn of the century.

43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

44 My subconscious says no.

45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.

46 I left my body in my other clothes.

47 The last time I went, I never came back.

48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.

49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.

50 None of my socks match.

51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.

52 I'm having all my plants neutered.

53 People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.

54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."

56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.

57 My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

58 I'm touring China with a wok band.

59 My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.

60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."

61 My mother would never let me hear the end of it.

62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.

63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.

64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.

65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.

66 I have too much guilt.

67 There are important world issues that need worrying about.

68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.

69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.

70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

71 I feel a song coming on.

72 I'm trying to be less popular.

73 My bathroom tiles need grouting.

74 I have to bleach my hare.

75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.

76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.

77 You know how we psychos are.

78 My favorite commercial is on TV.

79 I have to study for a blood test.

80 I'm going to be old someday.

81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.

82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.

83 I have to rotate my crops.

84 My uncle escaped again.

85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.

86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.

87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.

88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.

89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.

90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.

91 Having fun gives me prickly heat.

92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.

93 I have to jog my memory.

94 My palm reader advised against it.

95 My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.

96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.

97 I prefer to remain an enigma.

98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] .

99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.

100 I'm trying to cut down.

101 ... Well, maybe.

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     A husband had always been disdainful of people who, in his estimation, talked too much.  Recently he proudly told his wife he'd heard that men use 2200 words a day, while women use 4400.
     The wife pondered that a moment, then concluded, "That's because women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands."
     He looked up and asked, "Come again?"

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     Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

     At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
     The other replied, "Yes I am, because I married the wrong man."

     Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

     Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

     A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
     And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

     Young Son:  "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
     Dad:  "That happens in most countries, son."

     Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

     A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

     Three rings: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering.

     When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.  But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

     Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

     After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
     And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

     It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

     A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:   "You can have mine."

     When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

     A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

     A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
     "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
     The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire."

 

 

 


 

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