(We've all been in at least a few...)

     An English professor wrote the words:  "Woman without her man is a savage" on the blackboard, and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
     The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."
     The women wrote: "Woman!  Without her, man is a savage."

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GUY RULES:

1.  Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
2.  If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
3.  If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
4.  It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
5.  Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
6.  Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
7.  You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
8.  Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
9.  Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
11. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
12. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

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     It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.  "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
     "That's cool" says Bobby.
     Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.   Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
     Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby--so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.
     "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
     Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
     A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
     About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:  "DAMMIT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

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SAYING GOODBYE THE 90's WAY

     Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But there is now a great way to blow a woman off. It's safe, it's affordable, and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you.  It's at your fingertips right now: E-mail.
     That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it.  What could be more painless?
     Following is an email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:

Dear < her name >,
     I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
     So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition:

(men will check those that apply)

[ ] Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

[ ] Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.

[ ] You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

[ ] The only question you did ask was how much money I make.

[ ] You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

[ ] My breasts are bigger than yours.

[ ] Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

[ ] Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

[ ] The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.

[ ] Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

[ ] Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

[ ] I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

< Your name >

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A FEMALE RESPONSE: GETTING BLOWN-OFF BY E-MAIL

Dear < his name > --

     I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to even being in the same room as me.   Even in a field limited to warm-blooded semi-sentient beings, you failed to make the final cut. In order to make things easier and more clear-cut for you, please note that all your personal details have been shredded and the result is being used to mulch the vegetable patch at the local Retirement Village.
     So that you may find better success in any future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition.

[Check one or more]

[ ] Your comment that "you earn enough, you can pay for this one" displayed a stunning ignorance of both basic economics, manners, and common-sense.

[ ] Your inadvertent admission that your favorite past-time consists of drinking beer and drive-by brown-eyes indicates that you are grossly under-qualified for any position associated with human interaction.

[ ] You failed the 20-question rule; i.e. I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

[ ] The only question you did ask regarded my gag response.

[ ] You neglected to introduce me to an obvious group of your friends we met outside the restaurant and proceeded to talk about the last time you projectile vomited. This indicates lack of sensitivity of circumstance.

[ ] Your breasts are bigger than mine.

[ ] Your belly is bigger than your breasts.

[ ] When dressed in shorts, your bum-crack shows (Brit-Speak for Rear).

[ ] The condition of your skin is suspect. If you ever get to the stage where you do not single-handedly supply a manufacturer of mayonnaise and condiments, feel free to join the human race.

[ ] Your repeated comments such as "Boy, my Doberman's got bigger breasts than you!" and "I don't buy you drinks to hear you think" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

[ ] The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar, danced with the pre-operative transsexuals and proceeded to try and tongue-kiss several demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of discrimination.

[ ] Your revelation that you would most certainly allow any/all of your ex-girlfriends to shack up with you again as long as they bought you beer, paid the rent, and dispensed recreational pharmaceuticals freely shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

[ ] Your inability to sustain an erection, your falling asleep in the middle of sex, urinating out of the bedroom window and suggestions that we invite a "coupla dykes" over to perform coitus in front of you seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

[ ] A brain-damaged orangutan is out of your league; I suggest you start with mammals lower on the evolutionary ladder.

Yours in constructive criticism,

< Your name >

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Why do men like love at first sight?
     It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children.
     What does a man of 35 think of?  Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
     In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
     A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
     To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
     They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
     He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
     All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
     At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
     The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
     Exchange him.

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HUMAN DNA

For many years, molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.

The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments.  Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows:
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
*
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
*
* (C) God
*/
    
/* Revision history:
*
* 0000-00-01  00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02  10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03  02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version.  A bit messy--will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12   03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from elephant-dna.c.
* 0145-10-03   16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31    17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20  13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand( ) routine.
* 2501-04-09  14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12  02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.  Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31   14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12   17.09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population density, to try and slow the operpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04   16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of CD.
*/
    
/* Standard definitions
*/
    
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
    
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
*
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper inheritance features.
*/
    
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
    
#ifndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
    
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
*/
#include <sex.h>
    
/* Kludged code -- I'll redesign this lot and re-write it as a proper library sometime soon.
*/
Construct genitals
   {
#ifdef MALE
   Penis *jt;
#endif
   /* G_spot *g;    Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
   Vagina *p;
#endif
   }
    
/* Initialization bootstrap routine - called before DNA duplication
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
*/
  DNA *zygote_initialize(sperm *, Ovum *);
    
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
*
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism to display at birth.
*
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
*/
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
     .....and so on.....

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Who do bachelors like smart women?
     Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
     They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
     After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
     Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Who do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
     Breasts don't have eyes.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
     "What Men Know About Women"

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
     One.  Men will screw anything!

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
     A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
     He's breathing.

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
     Bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowning?
     Take your foot off his head.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
     So men can remember them.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
     They're both empty from the neck up.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
     We don't know--it's never happened.

Why did God create men?
     Because a vibrator can't do the yardwork.

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Does anyone have any information on how many calories are burned by various sexual activities?  This may be the best physical exercise to lose weight!

ACTIVITY

CALORIES BURNED PER ACTIVITY
CALORIES
BURNED

Removing Clothes With Partner's Consent 12
Without Partner's Consent 187

Unhooking Bra Using two calm hands 7
Using one trembling hand 36

Getting Into Bed Lifting partner 15
Dragging partner along floor 16
Using skateboard 3

Achieving Erections For a normal, healthy man 2.5
Losing erection 14
Searching for it 115

Putting On Condom With erection 1.5
Without erection 300

Inserting Diaphragm If the woman who does it is:  Experienced 6

Inexperienced              

73
If a man does it 680

Add five (5) calories for retrieving it from across the room.


Positions According To Nationality:
Italian - Man on top, woman in kitchen 26
Russian - Woman on bottom, man getting permission 55
American - Both on top 60

Possible Side Effects of Intercourse
Bouncing 7
Sliding around 9
Serious skidding 12
Whiplash 27

Orgasm Real 27
Faked 160

Orgasm Intensity Scale Shoes flew off 35
Expression didn't change 1/2
Orchestra swelled 6
Small birds sang 3
Large birds sang 7
Earth moved 30

Pulling Out After orgasm 1/2
A few moments before orgasm 500

Penis Envy For woman 3
For men 72

Guilt

Despite no formal training, orgasm comes easily, naturally

53
You're enjoying sex, despite the fact that other people are starving 2

Sex on your lunch hour

3

Putting it on expense account

20

Aggravation Partner keeps showing plants 5
Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay 14
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time 10
Partner is taking phone calls 7
Partner is making phone calls 40

Getting Caught By partner's spouse 60
By your spouse 100
Trying to explain 55
Trying to remain calm 100
Leaping out of bed 75
Getting dressed in one motion 500
Thanking partner quickly 2

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25 SNAPPY COMEBACKS TO THE AGE-OLD QUESTION:
          "WHY AREN'T YOU MARRIED YET?"

1.  You haven't asked yet.
2.  I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3.  What?  And spoil my great sex life?
4.  Nobody would believe me in white.
5.  Because I just love hearing this question.
6.  Just lucky, I guess.
7.  It gives my mother something to live for.
8.  My fiancé is awaiting parole.
9.  I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
10.  Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
11.  I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
12.  It didn't seem worth a blood test.
13.  I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14.  Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15.  My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
16.  I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17.  They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18.  I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19.  I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
20.  What?  And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
21.  We really want to, but my lover's husband/wife just won't go for it.
22.  I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23.  Why aren't you thin?
24.  I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
25.  (Bonus for single mothers)  Because having a husband and a child would be redundant!

 

 

 


 

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