(We've all been in at least a few...)

     Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sitting next to each other on a trans-Atlantic flight.  Suddenly the plane plummets out of control.  In panic, the woman turns to the man, tears off her blouse, and cries, "Make me feel like a woman one more time!"
     Rising to the occasion, the man tears off his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

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The 9 Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams

The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

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The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

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Bar Room

     A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
     "That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
     "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

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WAYS TO REJECT PICK-UP LINES

1.  Man: "Haven't we met before?"
    Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

2.  Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
    Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

3.  Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
    Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

4.  Man: "Want to Dance?"
    Woman: "No, thank you."
    Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

5.  Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
    Woman: "It's in the phone book."
    Man: "But I don't know your name."
    Woman: "That's in the phone book too.

6.  Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
    Woman: "Female impersonator."

7.  Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
    Woman: "Unfertilized - go away!"

8.  A graying man in his 60's approached a twenty-something with "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

9.  "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

10.  Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
      Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

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Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

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Don't Be Late

     A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late.
     "Take my advice," said the neighbor, "do what I did.  Once my husband came home at four o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I yelled out, 'Is that you, Bill?' And that cured him."
     "Cured him?" asked the woman. "But how?"
     The neighbor smiled, and said, "His name is John."

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The Earring

     This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
     "Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."
     "Oh, yeah. Sure," says Bob sheepishly.
     "Really? How long have you been wearing one?"
     "Err, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

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1.  I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. [Dolly Parton]
2.  You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. [Erica Jong]
3.  I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. [Rita Rudner]
4.  My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. [Rita Rudner]
5.  I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. [Wendy Liebman]
6.  Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. [Erma Bombeck]
7.  If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. [Sue Grafton]
8.  I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. [Roseanne Barr]
9.  I think-therefore I'm single. [Lizz Winstead]
10.  "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." [Elayne Boosler]
11.  "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." [Maryon Pearson]
12.  "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." [Gilda Radner]
13.  "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." [Margaret Thatcher]
14.  "If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." [Margaret Atwood]
15.  "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." [Gloria Steinhem]
16.  "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." [Gloria Steinhem]
17.  "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." [Marie Corelli]
18.  "Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." [Baroness Edith Summerskill]
19.  "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" [Linda Ellerbee]
20.  "I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." [Zsa Zsa Gabor]

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DICTIONARY OF DATING

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

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What food makes a woman lose all sexual desire?
Wedding cake.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lb..

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.

One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$4.99 a minute.

What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is having sex.

What's the difference between pink and purple?
The tightness of your grip.

How are women and rocks alike?
You skip the flat ones.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get the remote.

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.

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     A young farmer is newly married and the couple can't get enough of it. Just before leaving the house for the fields at down, they tear off a piece, and when he returns home at evening they have another go, before and after supper, and maybe a couple more during the night. The problem is during the day: the fields are a long way from the house, and the young man loses so much time traveling home and back again at noon that he decides to consult a friend (the town's doctor) about what to do.
     "Easiest thing in the world, Homer," says the doctor. "You take your rifle out with you every day, don't you? Well, when you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin,' just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife for her to come out to you.  That way you won't lose any workin' time."
     Homer tries this and it seems to work pretty good for a while.   One day, though, the doctor stops by the house to pay a visit, and he notices Homer sitting alone inside, looking very morose.
     "What's wrong?" he asks. "Didn't my idea work? And where's your wife?"
     "Oh, it worked," says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said, and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then we'd find a secluded place and do it, after which Beckie'd go back home."
     "So what's the problem?" the doctor urged.
     "Well, I think I overdid it, Doc," Homer ruefully confessed.  "I ain't seen hide nor hair of Beckie since the huntin' season got started!"

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     A young couple wishing to disguise the fact that they were interested in having sex so their children would not find out, decided to use the term "doing the laundry".
     One night, the husband was in the mood and asked his wife if she was interested in doing the laundry. She was not feeling well and declined...so he went to bed.
     A little while later the wife came to bed and indicated that she was now feeling better, and asked him if he was still interested in doing the laundry.
     He said no thanks--since he'd had a small load, he'd done it by hand.

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     A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says.
     "I want one that's more sheer," says he.
     She holds up a second nightgown.  "This one is $350," she tells him.
     "I want it even more sheer than that," he insists.
     The clerk disappears into the back of the store for a moment, then returns with a flimsy little wisp of fog.  "This one is the most sheer that we have," she urges.  "It's $500."
     The man's eyes gleam.  "I'll take it!" he exclaims.
     The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."
     His wife goes upstairs, opens the box, and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not!"  So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.
     The man scowls.  "Damn, you'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the damn thing!" he retorts.

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     There is an old couple that has been married for a long, long time.  On the morning of their 50th anniversary, the wife is puttering around the house tidying up.
     She notices the wooden box on her husband's desk that he has always forbidden her to open. For 50 years she has obeyed her husband's wishes, but on this day her curiosity gets the best of her.
     So she opens the box, only to find 3 golf balls and $10,000. Well, she can't understand why some golf balls and a wad of cash has been such a secret, so that night she goes to her husband.  "Now don't get mad, honey, but I looked in your secret box today," she tells him.  "I know you told me not to, but what is the big deal about some golf balls and money?"
     At first he's mad that she disobeyed him. But then he says, "Ok, you have been a good wife for 50 years, so I will tell you.  The golf balls represent the times I've had an affair."
     Of course the wife is quite upset to hear this, but finally calms down, figuring that 3 affairs in 50 years isn't all that bad.  "So then," she asks, "and the $10,000?"
     "Oh," says the husband, "every time I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them off for cash!"

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     A man called into a local radio station and told the talk hosts that his wife had given him an ultimatum. He was not going to get any more sex until he quit smoking.
     They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"
     The caller replied, "Until my girlfriend dies."

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