(Some wonderful classics!)

How do you do it?

Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturist do it with a small prick
Ambulance driver comes quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bach did it using the organ
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Batman does it using his Robin
Bookeepers do it for the record
Bosses delegate the task to others
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentist do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Divers do it deeper
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Elevator men do it up and down
Engineers do it to specifications
Engineers do it to a first order approximation
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbagemen come twice a week
Gardeners do it on the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Golfers do it in 18 holes
Jeep owners do it an all four
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Managers make others do it
Marketing reps do it on commission
Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips (and dealers)
Zoologists do it with animals

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     An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.
     Eagerly the doctor removed the blindfold and looked down on the cake. He immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!
     The guests asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and wiping his eyes, the doctor said:  "I'm just thinking of going back to school, and by the time I'm 50
I'll be a gynecologist!"

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     One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam.  He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision.  He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure.
     The Lord said he would call this being "woman."
     So St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man, yet was different in ways that would be appealing, and could provide physical pleasure to man.
     When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called "woman," he summoned The Lord. 
     "Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job," said The Lord.
     "Thank You, O Great One," replied St. Peter.   "I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings, and senses to this being, this...woman.  I require your assistance on this matter, O Lord."
     "You shall make her brain slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man's," said The Lord.
     "The nerve endings," said St. Peter.  "How many will I put in her hands?"
     "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
     "Two hundred, O Mighty One," replied St. Peter.
     "Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.
     "And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?" inquired St. Peter.
     "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. 
     "Seventy five, O Mighty One," replied St. Peter.
     "Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet so they benefit from having less nerve endings there.  Do the same for woman," said the Lord.
     "How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals?" inquired St. Peter.
     "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
     "Four hundred and twenty, O Mighty One," replied St. Peter.
     "Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we?  Do the same for woman," said The Lord.
     "Yes, O Lord," said St. Peter.
     "No, wait," said The Lord.  "Screw it, give her ten thousand!  I want her to scream out my name!"

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     An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink.   As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"
     "Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
     "But you look like Abe Lincoln!" protested the barkeeper.
     "That's right," the man sighed.  "My last four scores were seven years ago."

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Prayers

     A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
     "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
     "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" she sighed.
     "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.  Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
     "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
     The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
     There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

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The Top 15 Porno Movies of All Time

15> CasaSpanka

14> High Nooner

13> Silence of the Lambskin

12> It Happened One Night, Then Twice The Next Morning, and Four More Times Before Lunch

11> Six Ways, Seven Times

10> Guess Who's Coming After Dinner?

9> Ohfello

8> Bang the Bum Slowly

7> On Golden Blonde

6> Itty Bitty Gang Bang

5> Bend-Her

4> Good Will Humping

3> Rear Widow

2> Urethral Weapon

1> As Wood As It Gets

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     Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:

THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD

To which she replied:

I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND!

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Lipstick Problems

     A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick.  When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
     Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it.   He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2 pm. They gathered at 2 pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
     The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night.  He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was, and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
     The custodian then demonstrated.  He took a long brush on a handle out of a box.  He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
     That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror!!!

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     A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget.  Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!"
     Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy, dear, Can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"

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In Columbia, Maryland, there's a sign in the parking lot at the Planned Parenthood office: "Be careful pulling out!"

 

 

 


 

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