(Some wonderful classics!)
Little Johnny in School
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with, "This was England's finest hour."
Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you..."
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy."
"Very good," said the teacher, "you may go, too."
Irritated that he had missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those bitches would just keep their mouths shut."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it.
Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?"
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi decided to satisfy his own curiosity. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that, and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised, and asked her what her secret was.
The first old lady said that when she heard her husband pulling the car into the garage, she hurried and took a shower, jumped into bed, and threw her feet up over her head. When her husband came into the bedroom, he got turned on and had his way with her.
The second old lady decided to try this approach, so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she took a quick shower, jumped into bed, and threw her feet up over her head.
Her husband came into the bedroom, took one look, and said, "For God's sake, Mildred, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to look like an asshole!"
A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at, you old fart......didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
A newlywed couple were looking to decorate their new house. While bargain hunting, they found an unusual mirror, which the shop owner stated was "magical".
The couple bought the mirror, and placed it on the back of their bedroom door.
One day the wife decided to test the mirror out, and while looking into the mirror, said:
"Mirror, mirror on the door,
Make my boobs size 44."
And lo and behold, it came true! She ran down the stairs to show her husband, who was utterly amazed. He proceeded to run up to the bedroom, and while looking in the mirror, he said:
"Mirror, mirror on the door,
Make my manhood touch the floor."
And then his legs fell off.
THE PERFECT MAN
THE PERFECT MAN IS GENTLE,
NEVER CRUEL OR MEAN.
HE HAS A BEAUTIFUL SMILE
AND KEEPS HIS FACE SO CLEAN.
THE PERFECT MAN LIKES CHILDREN,
AND WILL RAISE THEM BY YOUR SIDE
HE WILL BE A GOOD FATHER,
AS WELL AS A GOOD HUSBAND TO HIS BRIDE.
THE PERFECT MAN LOVES COOKING
CLEANING AND VACUUMING TOO.
HE'LL DO ANYTHING IN HIS POWER
TO CONVEY HIS FEELINGS OF LOVE ON TO YOU.
THE PERFECT MAN IS SWEET
WRITING POETRY FROM YOUR NAME.
HE'S A BEST FRIEND TO YOUR MOTHER
AND KISSES AWAY YOUR PAIN.
HE NEVER HAS MADE YOU CRY
OR BATTERED YOU IN ANY WAY...............
TO HELL WITH THIS ENDLESS POEM...
THE PERFECT MAN IS GAY!
Two boys are playing football in Grant Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Chicago Bears Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Bears' fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in Chicago, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Minnesota Vikings' Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Vikings fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed everyone in the Midwest was either for the Bears or Vikings. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Packers fan," the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Brat Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Two male golfers are behind two women who are playing very slowly. One guy says, "I'm going to go over there and ask if we can play through."
The second guy says, "Great."
The first gets about halfway over to the women, when he turns around and comes back.
The second guy asks, "What happened?"
The first guy says, "That was my wife and my mistress."
The second understands that dilemma, so he offers, "OK, I'll go ask them."
He gets about halfway there, when he turns around and comes back!
The first guy asks, "What happened?"
The second guy gives him a sheepish grin, and mutters, "Small world, isn't it..."
Honey Moon Night
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned. "What if the place is still bugged?" she asks her new husband.
The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug.
"AHA!" he suddenly cries. Because under the rug is a disk with four screws. He gets his Swiss Army knife and unscrews the screws, then throws them and the disk out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager admits, "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"
King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. But he was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.
A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory, where the good wizard was showing his latest invention. It was a chastity belt...except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place "This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening...how is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin as he inserted a stick in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt. A small guillotine blade instantly came down and cut the stick neatly in half.
Several years passed until the King returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! You, among all the nobles have been true to me. What is in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But Sir Galahad was speechless..............
A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."
"Cool," said the guy, "count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear, and strolled off.
As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Big Bad Gays."
A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Big Bad Gays."
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, You've had two warnings."
The Butler Did It
A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased, since they would be out until quite late.
The couple went to the ball and dinner. After an hour and a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored, and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day.
The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours
to meet some very important people.
So the wife went home alone, and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.
She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear, "Take off my dress."
The butler obeyed her.
"Now take off my bra," she instructed him.
Once again, he obeyed her.
"Next remove my shoes and stockings," she whispered in his ear.
The butler removed her shoes and stockings, and laid them carefully on the couch.
"Now remove my garter belt and panties!" she urged.
She then looked deep into his eyes, and in a sharp voice shouted, "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired!"
Jumping with Joy!
This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while, then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"
She says, "I just got my check-up, and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"
"Well, your name never came up..." she replied.
An old man and old woman met after both became residents at a retirement home. They began to get pretty friendly, and really enjoyed each other's company.
After about 3 weeks of getting to know each other, the old man said to the woman, "I know we are both old and can't do much sexually anymore, but if I pulled out my penis, would you hold it?"
The woman did not see what that would hurt, so she said she would. Every day for the next month the couple would sit in the park by the lake and the old woman would hold the man's penis.
One day the man didn't show up at their regular meeting place. The woman became concerned and set out to search for him. Further down the shore she spotted him sitting on a bench, with another woman beside him. She walked up to the bench to find his penis in the other woman's hand.
This upset her very much and she yelled at the old man, "We have been together for 2 months now, I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don't?"
"Parkinsons!" replied the old man with a smile.
I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd,but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he, too, sported a spoon in his breast-pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc.
had spoons in their pockets.
When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil, at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour, per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time nearly
1.5 extra man hours per shift."
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.
I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu.
That's when, out of the corner of my eye,I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.
My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave, I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?"
"Oh, yeah," he began in a quieter tone."Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too."
"How's that?" I demanded, amazed.
"You see," he whispered, "by tying a string to the end of our, eh, SELVES, we can pull it
out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, thinking thru the process. "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."
IT'S TIME TO LEARN TO PLAY BRIDGE
A lady was applying for a position as a housekeeper. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, "Yes, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called 'Bridge,' and last night there were a lot of folks
"As I was about to serve refreshments, I heard a man say, 'Lay down and let's see what you've got.' Then another man said, 'I've got strength but no length.' Than another man said to a lady, 'Take your hand off my trick.'
"I pretty near dropped dead. Just then, the lady answered 'You forced me; you jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise.'
"Another woman was talking about protecting her honor. Well, I got my hat and coat! Then as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, 'I guess I'll go home now; this is the last rubber.'
"I fainted out cold!"
Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.
What does it mean when the flags at half mast at the post office?
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This fazed the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke. "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette." So saying, he led the Russian into the room. The only occupants were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob - take your pick."
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them's a cannibal!"
Miss Bee was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!
Surely Miss Bee had flipped...or something. But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bee," he said, pointing toward the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this."
"Oh yes," she replied. "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter!"
Oh, for a new pair of sandals!
This married couple is on holiday in Pakistan. They're touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they pass this small sandal shop. From inside they hear a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in, come into my humble shop. Salaam a leekem!" ("Hello" in English)
So the married couple walks in.
The Pakistani man says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife after hearing this is really interested in buying the sandals, but her husband feels he really doesn't need them, being the sex god he is.
The husband asks the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replies, "Just try them on."
Well, after much badgering from his wife, the husband finally concedes to try them on. Suddenly he gets this wild look in his eyes, something his wife has not seen in many years, raw sexual power.
In a blink of the eye, the husband rushes the Pakistani man, throws him on a table, and starts tearing at the guy's pants.
And all the time, the Pakistani man is screaming, "You've got them on the wrong feet!"