(Some wonderful classics!)
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
If Cartoons Were X-Rated Then:
- We would know if Blondie was a real Blonde.
- Dilbert's tie wouldn't be the only thing curling up.
- Instead of being propped on his piano, Lucy would be propped on Schroeder's organ.
- We would see Hagar the Horrible's other horny helmet.
- Fred Flintstone would Yabba-Dabba-Do Wilma, Betty and occasionally Dino.
- Archie's buddy would proudly show off his "Little Jughead."
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mother, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she laughed to herself and thought, "I don't fucking think so!"
CHINESE DICTIONARY - *MUST BE PRACTICED OUT LOUD*
Dung On Mai Shu ------ I stepped in excrement
Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu ---- Let's sleep together
Ai Bang Mai Ne ------- I bumped into the coffee table
Ar U Wun Tu ---------- A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat ---------- You need a face lift
Chow Mai Dong -------- Romantic proposition
Dum Gai -------------- A stupid person
Wel Hung Gai --------- Is that a banana in your pocket?
Gun Pao Der ---------- An ancient Chinese invention
Flung Dung -------- Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding ------- We have reason to believe you are hiding a fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun -------- A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia -------------- Approach me
Lao Ze Sho ----------- Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi --------------- Not very good
Lin Ching ------------ An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding -------- A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn --------------- A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai ------------- A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be -------- A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne --------- A small horse
Ten Ding Ba ---------- Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung --------- A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan -------- Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah --------- Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim ----------- Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting ------ There is no reason to raise your voice!
A passenger jet loses all of its engines and the passengers know they are going to crash.
There are three women sitting next to each other in one of the rows. The Italian woman opens her purse and begins pinning money all over her clothing. The other women ask why and she says that when the rescuers begin searching the crash site they will see the money and rescue her first.
The Jewish woman begins putting on all of her jewelry, saying that the rescuers will see the gems and rescue her first.
The black woman begins taking off all of her clothing. The two other women ask why she is undressing. She says, "Everybody knows the first thing they always look for is the black box."
Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, in response to President Clinton's testimony:
"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach anymore. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.
"This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head-on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again.
No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair.
I will not be stained by it. Thank you.
MISS LEWINSKY'S RESUME AS EVIDENCE
Now that Monica is ready to move on with her life, she has now put together a new resume (CV) so she can go out hunting for a job. Unfortunately, she never expected that her resume would be held against her as evidence.
The federal attorneys disclosed to the courts an unprecedented fact-finding case mounted against the nation's President. Much of the evidence was trivial compared to the notorious dress which Monica Lewinsky wore that contemptuous evening. However, this wasn't the only controversial evidence brought forth in this case. Another was Miss Lewinsky's resume.
Among her stately OBJECTIVES, EDUCATION, and HOBBIES, Monica's EXPERIENCE was quite impressive! It read, "Worked Presidential Balls."
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a little?' and she pretends she's asleep!"
Ludwig's Greatest Hits
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:
Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing!"
When Jane reached the check-out, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 12, TAMPAX (Tampons), SUPERSIZE."
If that was bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS".
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
One day the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit, you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members.
Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
YO' MAMA'S SO FAT.....
1. Yo mama's so fat, I ran out of gas trying to get on her good side.
2. Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
3. Yo mama's so fat, her measurements are 36", 24", 36" and the other arm is just as big.
4. Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.
5. Yo mama's so fat, when she dances, she makes the band skip.
6. Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Polo shirt is real.
7. Yo mama's so fat, when she opens the refrigerator, it says "I give up!"
8. Yo mama's so fat, when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gave her a dinosaur.
9. Yo mama's so fat, when she works at the movie theater, she works as the screen.
10. Yo mama's so fat, when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at the radio station.
11. Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama."
12. Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
13. Yo mama's so fat, instead of Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's.
14. Yo mama's so fat, instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load.
15. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
16. Yo mama's so fat, all of her clothes have to be custom made by a contractor.
17. Yo mama's so fat, when I said I wanted "Pigs in a blanket" she got back in bed.
18. Yo mama's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease,the doctor gave her 5 years to live.
19. Yo mama's so fat, her picture takes two frames.
20. Yo mama's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall in a red shirt.
21. Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade.
22. Yo mama's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
23. Yo mama's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck.
24. Yo mama's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
25. Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
26. Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.
27. Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans.
28. Yo mama's so fat, I gotta take three steps back just to see all of her.
29. Yo mama's so fat, she shops for clothes in the local tent shop.
30. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the circus she sees the big top and asks, "Where can I try that on?"
31. Yo mama's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.
Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
It had been many years since the embarrassing day when a young woman, baby in arm, entered the butcher shop and confronted its owner with the news that the baby was his... And what was he going to do about it? He had offered to give her free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. The man had been counting off the years on his calendar until one day, the teenager, who had been coming in to collect the meat each week, boasted to the butcher, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile. "I've been waiting for this day for a long time. Tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get. Watch the expression on her face."
The boy took the meat home and told his mother what the butcher had said. Mother nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years. And watch the expression on HIS face!"
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me...in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."
A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"
"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."
As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."
One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?"
Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met-- but every time we make love, you give me splinters."
This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. As Pinocchio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smoothe" out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.
Gepetto did not hear from Pinocchio for a while, and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls."
To which Pinocchio replied, "GIRLS? WHO NEEDS GIRLS???"
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
National Condom Week
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP.
2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER.
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY.
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT.
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER.
6. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG.
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY.
9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE.
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER.
11. SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK.
12. IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT.
13. WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS.
14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, ZIP UP YOUR TROUSER
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER.
16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER.
17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL.
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION.
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL.
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER.
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
22. IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE IT OFF, HAVE IT ON.
An Eighty Year Old Man
An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?" the doctor continued.
"No," replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, I do!" the old man exclaimed, with a smug grin.
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half...the LOOKING or the THINKING???"
This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the words Lewinsky and Kaczynski in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners:
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress,
and wipe that stuff off of your chinsky!"
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice of how to be blown.
The Top 14 Movies About Necrophilia
14> Driving Miss Pushing Up Daisies
13> Some Like It Cold
12> Peggy Sue Got Buried
11> People to Do in Denver Who are Dead
10> Sex, Flies and Videotape
9> Lifeless in Seattle
8> The Right Stiff
7> Dr. Jekyll and Miss Formaldehyde
6> How Stella Got Her Grave Back
5> Four Beddings at a Funeral
4> The Corpse Whisperer
2> Waiting to Exhume
1> Blue Vulva
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