(Some wonderful classics!)
APPLICATION FOR WHITE HOUSE INTERNSHIP
Greetings, prospective White House interns!
This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet!
Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:
* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:
"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering
phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president...
Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."
-M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates, and touchy national issues.
Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at firstname.lastname@example.org
Sex: F__ Age:______
Measurements(required for medical purposes):________________
How many beers it takes to get you...
...To lie to a federal prosecutor:______
You've always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic
Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) an obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world
You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) Mid East policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"
My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House
Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.
Uncle Sam (and Uncle Bill) wants you.
*Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity abuser.
A few years ago, Charlie Brown and the 'Peanuts' gang made a new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special entitled, 'WHY, CHARLIE BROWN, WHY?'
Recently, MetLife has put out a series of instructional pamphlets which feature the Peanuts gang dealing with such issues as the loss of a loved one, writing a will, and dealing with a permanent disability.
Now that Charlie Brown is tackling important issues, how about a few contemporary Peanuts specials for the kids of the '90s?
1. We could learn about STD's in,
'IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN.'
2. Chuck and the Little Red-Headed Girl find out about unwanted pregnancy in,
'IT'S BLUE, CHARLIE BROWN!' or 'THE RABBIT DIED, CHARLIE BROWN!'
3. Is Linus gay? Find out in,
'IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN.'
4. Explore the real problems of child abuse in America in,
'YOU MADE ME DO THAT, CHARLIE BROWN!'
5. See how the Peanuts gang grapples with date rape in,
'NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!'
6. Discover a father's forbidden love in,
'IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN.'
7. Franklin speaks!! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in,
'IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, MOFUKIN' CHARLIE BROWN!'
8. What goes on in the mind of a twisted serial killer? Unlock the inner workings of Pig Pen's mystery psyche and meet his murderous alter ego, 'Mr. Clean' in,
'GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN.'
9. Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing automobiles in,
'GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN.'
The Man and the Parrot on the Airplane
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot in the seat next to him. After the plane takes off, the man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky, you bitch."
The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky, you slut."
Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky, but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee, you wench, I expect you to get it for me right now, or I'm going to slap that ugly face of yours!"
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard..."
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you...
"On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you hit bulls-eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees, you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue...
"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green, that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news.
"I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I'm afraid your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help."
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends, the Browns, now please, please help us!"
"Well, all right," the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..."
TO BE (HEALTHY) OR NOT TO BE...
A woman decided to accompany her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor called the wife aside to speak to her about his concern for her husband's condition. The doctor concluded by saying to her, "If you don't do the following things, your husband will surely die."
1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work
in a good mood.
2. When he comes home at lunchtime, make him a warm, nutritious meal
and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3. For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with
4. Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
As they drove home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said. "You're going to die," she replied.
This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be one hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle, and says, "This stuff is potent; drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes!"
The weekend goes by, and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the doorstep. The pharmacist asks, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"
The guy replies, "Quick! I need Blue Ice!" (muscle pain relief)
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, protests, "Are you crazy? You can't put that on your penis! The skin is way too sensitive!"
The guy says, "No, no, it's not for that, it's for my arm."
Puzzled, the pharmacist asks, "What?? What happened?"
The poor guy looks sheepish and admits, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
The pharmacist is, naturally, horrified. "Oh my God!" he gasps. "And then what?"
The guy rolls his eyes in disgust. "The girls never showed up!"
THE BARBER SHOP
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says,"About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up and says, "To your house!"
DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER
A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high voice, "Could you please take me to Times Square?"
The cabby, in his thick Brooklyn accent, initiates a conversation. "Hey, sista, that's kinda a long drive. You mind if we, like, chat?"
The nun replies, "Why no, my son, whatever is on your mind?"
The cabby says, "Well, it's about this celibacy thing. Are you telling me you never think about doin' it?"
The nun hesitates, then admits, "Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh, you understand."
"Well, would ya ever consider, you know, doin' it?" the cabby asks.
The nun thinks for a moment, then murmurs, "Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique circumstance, I might consider it..."
The cabby is starting to get interested. "Well, what would dose conditions happen to be?" he urges.
The nun softly replies, "Well, he'd have to be Catholic, unmarried, and...well, certainly, he could have no children."
The cabby begins to smile. "Well, sista, today is your lucky day. I am all three. Why don't youse come on up here...I won't even make you really break your vows. All you gotta do is go down on me."
The nun looks around...they're awfully far away from where anyone would recognize her...so at the next light, she gets into the front with the driver. By the time they reach the city limits, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab, and the cabby is grinning from ear to ear.
As she settles in, the nun hears the cabby begin to laugh. The nun inquires, "Why, my son, what is so humorous?"
The cabby sneers, "Sista, I gotcha. I'm Protestant, I'm married, and I got four kids."
And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low-voiced response, "Yeah, well my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume party."
"Diary Of A Mad Viagra Housewife"
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his er... "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." (I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.)
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended). Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I going to do?
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in "Hamlet," and he thought it was "The Smurfs Do Denmark."
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me Sister Wendy revs his motor.
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to: stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket. Argh!
TOP TEN SLOGANS CURRENTLY BEING CONSIDERED BY VIAGRA:
10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "One-a-day, like iron"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman"
4. "Tastes great, more filling"
3. "Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Here's the beef!"
....and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. Just do her!
Some honorable mentions:
"We work harder, so you don't have to"
"Ten inches long... and growing."
"Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight."
"Viagra, home of the whopper."
"Viagra, Now is a great time to be silver."
"This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards "improving" the performance of men in today's society....
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach, contemplating how badly she got screwed over in the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up on shore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!
The genie notices her anger, and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But he cautions her that because he doesn't believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish is for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish, and she finds herself sitting in a pile of one billion fresh one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish, which is for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it's granted, but the genie again reminds her that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points down the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie is about to give up on her, she informs him that she wants to make the last wish. But before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.
"No problem!" the woman exclaims, grinning in ecstasy. "For my last wish...I want a full-term, absolutely miserable pregnancy...and I want to give birth to twins!"
An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman.
Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites so that the old fellow not over exert himself. After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.
Sure enough the knock comes, and there is her groom, ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes, there's another knock on the door, and there the old guy is again, ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, she consents to further coupling, which is again successful, after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep for the second time, when there is another knock at the door. And there he is again, fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more!
Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they are laying in afterglow, the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."
The old guy looks puzzled, and turns to her and says: "Was I already here?"
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18-year olds. Both of them. Twice!"
The priest says, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never, Father!" the old man replies. "I'm Jewish!"
The priest is a little startled, and asks, "So then, why are you telling me?"
The old man grins. "I'm telling everybody!"
At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three very naked and very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
While the couple was scratching their heads, trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couples' confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes," said the gentleman. "We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?"
"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch."
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in its hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, he comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
There was a male and female statue in the city park. For decades, the two had faced each other, and had fallen in love. They longed for each other day and night.
One day, a fairy appeared to them, and said, "For many years, I have watched your love grow, and have known of your unceasing desire for each other. As a reward for your loyalty and fidelity, I shall grant you fifteen minutes of life."
With a wave of her hand, the two sprang from their pedestals, and ran off into the bushes. After ten minutes, and much commotion in the underbrush, they came back with their cheeks glowing and wearing big smiles.
The fairy looked at her watch, and said, "You still have five minutes."
The woman turned to the man and said, "Great! This time, you hold the pigeon, and I'll shit on it!"
THE LADDER OF SUCCESS
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a hideously ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a woman who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was another lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty--gorgeous face, great body, the lot. "Fuck me here and now, or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.
When he reached the last cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
The climbing man was shocked. "Who are you?" he asked.
"Hello," said the fat ugly man. "I'm Cess."
Aries Women: Wildly sensual, passionate and adventurous. You'll have sex anywhere! You know what you want--intense and frequent sex. You have a need for complete control, but you're also in love with love. As a mate, you are ardent, loyal, sentimental, and earthly. Biggest thrill: The tickle of a man's facial fuzz.
Aries Men: Sleeping with him is like playing croquet with live bombs--you never know what's going to happen! Never expect him to wait for you to be ready--he will rip your clothes off if he's ready to go. Don't tease him or you'd better be ready to deliver. Fond of slave-master games, and he likes it rough. Aries men are also explorers, so be ready to go where no woman has gone before. Favorite position: A woman on her knees leaning forward.
Taurus Women: You expect your man to be kind and patient, and make love to you by the book. Like to be pleased by sex, but don't look for unusual approaches. But you are a demanding lover, and you leave your partner breathless. You have a need for oral gratification, both giving and receiving. Best sex mates: Cancer, Sagittarius, Scorpio, and Leo. Most likely kink: Sucking on your toes, one by one. You also like biting.
Taurus Men: He is the ideal lover--sensitive and understanding of his partner's feelings. He prefers it slow and easy; he won't be your guide to the exotic unknown, but what he does, he does beautifully. This is the guy to go to for long and luxurious oral sex. Stamina? This man could wear down a glacier! Erogenous zone: Gently and slowly kiss and bite the back of his neck.
Gemini Women: Often the aggressor, you are never embarrassed by your own behavior because you never adhere to any standards except your own. Your main requirement: A lover who knows how to take his time. You are a one-woman harem, but a partner should be aware that in a relationship, the Gemini woman is looking for a combination of the spiritual and the physical, the romantic and the practical. You want to talk to the guy after you tumble with him! Best sex mates: Leo, Scorpio, Aquarius, Libra, and Aries. Favorite gadget: The vibrator.
Gemini Men: He likes it with the lights on, in front of the mirror. He can work any partner into the mood because he knows exactly how to evoke the right responses. Oral sex isn't his favorite pastime, but he will take his time with other preliminaries. Tends to be fast and furious, but he is more adequate in areas of lovemaking that are often neglected by other men. He can tell a woman exactly what she wants to hear. Erogenous zone: Move your lips and tongue lightly up his arm.
Cancer Women: Will never make the first move, but you can be a marvelous lover, for you are capable of intense sensuality. You will reciprocate passion with a fervor that will stir his heart and stimulate him to his best performance. On your own time, you have a fondness for masturbation. Your favorite position: Lying prone while your man enters you from behind. Best sex mates: Taurus, Leo, Virgo, Scorpio, and Pisces. You may become a slave to sexual pleasure!
Cancer Men: His most surprising technique: Intercourse with no hands. He has a need for constant encouragement and, if gotten, he will be a delightful swain. Both patient and aggressive, he will often begin somewhere other than the bed, likes being in command, and is a master at manual clitoral manipulation! You'll like the trip, as it's as much travelling to a place as it is arriving.
Leo Women: Sleek, lascivious, enticing, and lazy! Whatever Leo wants, Leo gets! Intensely responsive, and there are bed-partners who have scars to prove it. Your need to show off leads you to prefer the top, where he can look up and admire the beauty of your body. Best sex mates: Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Aries. Your sexual wardrobe: Full of wispy cut-out bras and panties!
Leo Men: Simply brushes aside rules and conversation. One important rule to remember about him: NEVER tease! His endurance is remarkable, and he has a great appetite for making love. He likes women in the submissive position, and oral sex is okay when he is on the receiving end. He likes a woman to show how much she is enjoying it. Erogenous zone: His back is particularly vulnerable.
Virgo Women: You have no illusions about sex, and wish everyone would stop magnifying its importance. Prefer men who will wait for the relationship to develop to the point where sex is inevitable. You love mutual masturbation and enjoy a little punishment, and your grace and modesty are a great turn-on. You become an artist at pleasing your lover. Favorite kink: Can't truly enjoy it unless a third party is present. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer, and Aquarius.
Virgo Men: Too shy to make an overture, but when the moment arrives, you'd better be prepared for him to bring his pajamas, shaving equipment, and toothbrush. He likes to talk about how you like it and, having talked about it, he will key in on the right erotic response. Don't expect imagination, but he is a hard worker and is open to suggestion. His secret life: Can be obsessed with pornography. Erogenous zone: His buttocks. Ultimate sex mate (only two signs with perfect chemistry): Pisces.
Libra Women: Drama is the key word--you set the stage for sex. Intensely feminine and an instinctive exhibitionist. You feel your body was made to be seen and admired. Feel that seduction is an art, not an assault. When approached the right way, you find it easy to say yes to almost anything. Unusual control of vaginal muscles. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Sagittarius, and Aquarius, Favorite position: Anywhere buttocks are exposed.
Libra Men: Looks for the whole experience, not just a tumble between the sheets. Has a definite kinky side, is a voyeur, and fond of the menage a trois. He has the patience needed to satisfy. He likes women who dress well and have long hair. If a woman's clothes look as though they are easily removed, he finds her hard to ignore. Erogenous zone: Back and buttocks, especially the feel of erect nipples against either of them!
Scorpio Women: Inquisitive, searching, and experimental. Knows that eroticism consists of more than the physical act of lovemaking. While looking like a perfect lady in public, you dress and behave like a whore in the bedroom. Control of the orgasm is very important, and you will try anything to help your man maintain his potency. You never take no for an answer and, when interested in someone, you will pursue him with determination and guile. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces. Props you love: Scented body oils, flavored lubricating gels, and vibrators.
Scorpio Men: A lustful, sexy animal. Enjoys biting and sucking, and is a master of oral sex. Inflicting pain turns him on, so he may pinch nipples or the insides of thighs. Likes it in the water, but his kink is that he prefers wood tables and hard floors to satin and silk. Erogenous zone: His genitalia.
Sagittarius Women: You like the outdoors--freaking out if you are in a tent, camper, or on the beach. You enjoy sex, but you don't like to prolong the preliminaries, and want to start the main show as soon as possible. Like to tease your partner to the point of losing control. You don't mind if your man climaxes too quickly--you are a generous and accepting lover. Best sex mates: Leo, Libra, and Aquarius. Your sexual wardrobe will consist of accessories--gloves and shoes!
Sagittarius Men: Sex is rarely an intense experience with him--he often climaxes too quickly, but he'll be the first to try a new position. He is the master of erotic massage--both oral and manual. His tongue can be a wicked instrument, and when combined with his lips, creates an explosive effect! Erogenous zones: Hips and thighs. And he likes to look at a woman's calves and thighs, and likes to have sex with a woman in stockings.
Capricorn Women: Don't need much foreplay--you go from zero to WOW in nothing flat! Not interested in exotic variation, only in staying power. Since you like to dominate, you like to be astride your man, set a rhythm, and please yourself. Once into the rhythm, lovemaking becomes a wild contest with orgasm as the prize, and you can depend on getting there more than once. Also a scratcher and a screamer. Best sex mates: Taurus, Scorpio, and Pisces.
Capricorn Men: Sex evokes the best he can offer. He is a planner and a schemer. Prefers a woman who knows what he enjoys, and he expects her to be willing and ready whenever he wants her. Has the stamina of a marathon runner. Here is the man who will hold off until you're ready to scream! Erogenous zone: A massage that starts at the lower back and gently strokes upward along the sides of his spine.
Aquarius Women: A slow starter, you idealize love and encompass it with tenderness. Once aroused, though, anything goes! Extremely imaginative and like trying new things. There is nothing in any sex manual that you won't try. Believe that anything which increases the pleasure for your partner is worthwhile. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius, and Aquarius. Favorite sex position: Standing up, and in water.
Aquarius Men: Never treats a woman like a sex object, and prefers a variety of foreplay before getting down to it. May have to be revved up, but once his engine is started, he is free and inventive, with amazing persistence. He will always see you through to climax. A woman who knows what she wants will be very happy. He usually ensures an orgasm twice--once orally and once genitally. Erogenous zones: Gently touching the calves and ankles will get him going. Be careful, though--a kinky Aquarian can be a sadist who doesn't like to be denied!
Pisces Women: Always make the right moves, say the right things, and create the right ambiance. You are sexually liberated, and enjoy a wide range of eroticism. If his fantasies coincide with yours, the action can really get torrid! You seldom say no to anything your lover suggests! Favorite place: In a waterbed or hot tub. Best sex mates: Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn, Pisces. Ultimate sex mate (only two signs with perfect chemistry): Virgo.
Pisces Men: Takes the lead in lovemaking, and impatient if he doesn't get a swift response. Indifferent to sexual restrictions, both moral and legal, prefers a partner with a tremendous sexual craving. Likes sex in a chair. He likes to be submissive. Becomes an addict to anything that will give pleasure and release. Erogenous zone: Massaging and caressing his feet.
A man joins the crew of a ship. After a few days, he gets restless and asks, "What does one do about sex around here?"
The others direct him to a barrel with a hole in it. At first he doesn't like the idea much, but when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the day after that. Then he asks, "Can I do this every day?"
"Yes," the First Mate told him. "Every day, except Wednesdays."
"Why not on Wednesdays?" he questioned.
The Mate grinned. "Wednesdays is YOUR turn inside the barrel!"
SPECIAL HIGH-INTENSITY TRAINING
Subject: Office Memo
To: All Employees
Subject: Special High-Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High-Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your Manager, and you will be immediately placed back at the top of the list.
Our Managers are specially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. that you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in the Departmental Employee Evaluation Program of Special High-Intensity Training (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to the Employee Attitude Training level of Special High-Intensity Training (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).
Since our Managers all took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a position as a Trainer. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List for Special High-Intensity Training (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to the Director of Intensity Training in our Special High-Intensity Training (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.) department.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head of Training, Special High-Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.) department.
Boss in General, Special High-Intensity Training (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.).