(Some wonderful classics!)

     Noticing that her husband's relationship with the alluring young miss across the street was becoming more than a little friendly, the suspicious wife awoke one morning to find herself alone in bed. Angered, she dialed her attractive neighbor and bellowed into the phone, "Tell my husband to get his ass across the street."
     "Ma'am," a soft, sexy voice replied, "That's where he's been getting it for some time now."

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     John said to Kathy, "I'll bet you a dollar I can make love to you without touching your um...you know."
     "You're crazy," said Kathy. "That's impossible. Here's a dollar that says you can't."
     The two dollars were placed on the mantelpiece, and John then grabbed Kathy, pulled her skirt up and her panties down, and for ten minutes screwed her intensely.
     She broke away at last, panting and disheveled, and said, "You did nothing BUT touch my um....you know!"
     John shrugged, pushed the 2 dollars toward her and said, "So I lose.  Best dollar I ever lost!"

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Wedding Night

     The wedding date was set, and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
     The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
     The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
     The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
     The nuptials went as planned, and a few days later, each of the groom's buddies received the following note:

"Dear Friends:
     We didn't mind the bed slats being sawed.  The electric shock was only a minor setback.  But by God, I'm gonna KILL the guy who put Novocaine in the Vaseline!"

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     The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT.  While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..."
     That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.

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     Tarzan had grown up among the apes his whole life, and never had any experience with a woman. Whenever the urge got too strong, he'd use holes in the trunks of some of the native trees.
     One day Jane came along and noticed this guy giving the tree trunks a reaming out. As she watched on, she was filled with desire for the animal passion she saw being displayed in front of her.
     She walked up to Tarzan and offered herself to him, sprawling her body out on the ground. He walked up and began kicking her with all his might in the crotch. She sat up and screamed, "What are you doing?!?"
     To which Tarzan replied, "Gotta check for squirrels!!!"

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     An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
     "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child!  What do you think about that?"
     The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
     The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."
     "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
     Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
     The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
     "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
     "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

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     The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
     A smart-ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
     As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

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Movies Based on the Monica Lewinsky Story

That Thing You Do
Lady and the Scamp
Look Who's Sweating Now
Phallus in Wonderland
101 Depositions
All the President's Yen
Sex, Lies and Audiotape
Silence of the Ma'ams
The Lyin' King
Big Hair, Big City
As Wood As It Gets
'Terns of Impeachment
Pants/Off
My Spare Lady
Cleavage and Butt-Head Do America

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Modern Machinery

     A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby bottle nipples.
     The machine makes a loud hiss and pop noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide.  "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
     Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.
     The machine makes a noise: 'hiss, hiss, hiss, hiss, pop!'
     "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour,   "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
     "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
     "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!" the dismayed man protests.
     The tour guide grins.  "Yeah, but it's great for the baby bottle nipple business!"

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     On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
     "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
     He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
     At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:   "How much for a season pass?"

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     Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
     Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."
     So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
     "Ok, now take off my skirt..." and he takes off her skirt.
     "Now take off my bra..." which he does.
     "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties."
     And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school anymore!"

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Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate

1.   Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?"
2.   Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3.   Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4.   Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5.   Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"
6.   Say "Damn, this water is cold."
7.   Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8.   Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9.   Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10.  Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11.  Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters."
12.  Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13.  Say, "C'mon
, Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
14.  Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
15.  Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16.  Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks.
17.  Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18.  Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19.  Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing"Born Free."

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     A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.  She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. "Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
     "Actually, no," he replies.
     "Can you get him for me?  I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
     "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused.  "Is there anything I can do?"
     "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.  "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

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Geography Of Womanhood

From 13 TO 18:
A Woman is like Africa - Virgin and Unexplored.

From 19 to 35:
A Woman is like Asia - Hot and Exotic.

From 36 to 45:
A Woman is like America - Fully Explored and free with her resources.

From 46 to 55:
A Woman is like Europe - Exhausted but still has points of Interest.

From 56 onwards:
A Woman is like Australia - Every knows it's down there, but no one gives a damn.

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     A woman goes to the dentist. She sits in the chair, and he leans over to begin working on her. She promptly grabs him by the testicles.
     The shocked dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates!"
     The woman replies, "Yes, and we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we?"

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     It seems that the recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well-behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this. However the Recreational Director asked, "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?"
     It was agreed, and the Recreational Director said, "Sit down, nuts!" and they sat down. He then said, "Stand up, nuts!" and everyone stood up.  "Sit down, nuts!" and everyone sat down. "Look behind you, nuts!" and everyone turned around.
     Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in.
     About the 3rd inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion, people running helter skelter.  He asked what happened and a person said, "Someone called out 'Peanuts'!"

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Some very strange things are floating around the Internet....  We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons,"  looking at them side ways, where :) means a smile and :( is a frown.   Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how
about some "ass cons"?

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_!__) a lop-sided ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_O_) an ass that's been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

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     This man goes to a brothel outside of Las Vegas and announces to all the  working girls, "I'll pay $25,000 to any woman here who'll go into the desert with me and do it my way."
     One of the women agrees, and off they go in the man's car into the desert.
     After about an hour of driving she gets curious, and asks him, "Just what is your way?"
     "On credit," he replies.

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Q. What do J.C. Penney's and Bill Clinton have in common?
A. They both have women's clothes half off.

Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?
A: It takes a village!

Q. Why does Hillary wear the pants in the White House?
A. 'Cause Bill can't keep his on.

Q. What did Clinton say to Gore about the whole affair?
A. Pardon me.

Q. How did Bill Clinton reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica Lewinsky's testimony before the independent counsel?
A. "It wasn't words that I put in her mouth."

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     With all the recent scandals, it seems that Clinton's presidential library will be the first with a pornography section!  I suppose this means Al Gore is only six inches away from the presidency!

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      When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare, his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.
     The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination, and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.
     "How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.
     "Crutches?" the surprised doctor asked.
     "Well, yes," the woman said nervously, "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

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     This lady was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Main Street bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. She reached back and unzipped her zipper.
     It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back and worked the zipper some more, but she was still unable to lift her leg high enough to make the step up.
     Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and placed her on the top step.
     "How dare you?" she demanded.
     "Well, lady," he replied, "after you unzipped my fly for the second time, I thought we were good friends."

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     Having had one drink too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display a nasty side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her,  "Hey! How about it, babe? You and me?"
     As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
     She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

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     Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal.
     The first man finished, zipped up and started washing, and scrubbed his hands and arms clear up to his elbows.  He used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be clean."
     The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel, and commented, "I graduated from the University of California, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
     The third man zipped up and, as he was walking out the door, said, "I don't know about you guys, but where I went to college, they taught us not to pee on our hands."

 

 

 


 

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