Some wonderful classics!

     A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny.  So he goes to the first whorehouse he sees.   He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.
     The guy goes to the next one.  But since he only has five dollars, they kick him out, too.
     By this time, he's super-horny, so he goes to the next one and says, "Look, I only have five dollars.  I'm really horny, and I need a blow job!"
     The manager there takes pity on him, and says "Okay.   For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."
     "What's a penguin?" he asks.
     The manager grins.  "You'll find out!" he assures the eager man.
     He takes the five dollars, and leads the horny man to a bedroom.   The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."  Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a really hot blow job.  Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away.  The horny guy waddles after her with his pants around his ankles, shouting, "HEY!  WHAT'S A PENGUIN??"

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     A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar:
     "FREE BEER!  FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!"
     So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
     Bartender:  "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once, AND you can't make a face while doing it.  Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth.  You have to remove it with your bare hands.  Third, there's a woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm.   You gotta make things right for her."
     Man:  "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it.  You'd have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila...not to mention the rest of the test!"
     But as time goes on, and the man's had a few too many drinks, he finally asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
     He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp as tears begin to stream down his face.  He then staggers out back.   Soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping...then silence.
     The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
     "Now," he says, "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

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     A Frenchman, an Italian, and an American were discussing love-making.
     "Last night I made love to my wife three times!" boasted the Frenchman.  "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning!"
     "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."
     When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to YOUR wife last night?"
     "Once," the American replied.
     "Only ONCE?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.   "And what did she say to you this morning?"
     The American smiled.  "Don't stop," he answered.

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     A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door, he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard.
     "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
     "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition.  If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
     "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
     Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.  Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
     During the night he could bear it no longer, and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
     He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:  "Chinese Torture 1:   Large rock on chest."
     "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do, then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.  As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:  "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
     In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.  As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read:  "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."

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     A man and his wife are fucking. Fifteen minutes has passed, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them. The wife finally looks up and says, "What's the matter, darling, can't you think of anyone else, either?"

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Dwarf Humour

     The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
     "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" he says.
     "No, Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not."
     "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?" Dopey questions.
     "No, Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
     "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?" Dopey asks desperately.
     "No, Dopey," laughs the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
     "Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
     "No, Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world ."
     And softly in the background, the six remaining dwarves start chanting:
                   "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin."

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     This is the FBI summary of a conversation that took place this week between President Clinton and Cindy, a brand new intern in the White House:
     Cindy walked into the White House for her first day of her internship and was greeted by the President. After a short tour of the White House, the President asked, "How would you like to see the Presidential Clock?"
     Cindy looked troubled and said, "I don't know Mr. President. I've heard some pretty bad things about you. I don't think that would be a good idea."
     "Nonsense," said the President. "It's just a clock."
     Cindy agreed and the President lead her into the Oval Office where they were alone. He closed the door, dropped his pants, and pulled it out.
     Cindy gasped. "Oh, that's not the Presidential Clock, that's the Presidential Cock!"
     To which the President responded: "Cindy honey, you put a face and two hands on it, and it's a clock!"

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     Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech  or a son of a birch?"
     The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
     The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

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Elmo

     A very modest and deserving lady applied for a job at the factory where they made the "Tickle Me Elmo dolls." It was Friday and almost quitting time, and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday, and then explained she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.
     Monday they started up the line, and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem ... it was the new employee. She was very busy trying to do her part, but she still had a bunch of dolls
waiting for her.
     Closer examination showed she was sewing a little pouch containing two marbles in the anatomically correct place on each of the little boy dolls. When the boss could finally control his laughter he said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----TEST----Tickles."

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Martian Love

     The year is 2222, and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.
     "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
     "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
     Discussion ensues, and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
     Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
     "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
     "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
     "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
     "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
     "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."
     "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
     With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
     "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.
     The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.  As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
     "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.  How about you?"
     "It was horrible," he replies, "All I got was a headache.  All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

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     Bill and Hillary were settling down to sleep last night when Hillary suddenly rolled over and slid her arm down Bill's arm. "I've got a special surprise for you, Bubba," she purred in his ear. "Want to know what it is?"
     Bill instantly perked up. "I can't wait!" he exclaimed.
     Hillary smiled and began tickling his earlobe. "I hired a new intern for you today, and she's waiting for you in the next room right now!" she whispered.
     Bill was instantly wide awake, and rarin' to go! "Hil," he grinned, "I don't care what anyone says, you're the greatest!"
     Hillary smiled again and ran her fingers down his chest. "Don't you want to know her name?" she teased.
     Bill was too impatient to really care; by that time he was already halfway across the room with his hand on the doorknob. But it would be nice to know who he was about to screw this time, so he hesitated and glanced back. "Tell me quick, what's her name?" he urged.
     Hillary smiled one last time, and leaned back on her pillow. "Lorena Bobbitt."

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     One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad!  Mom!  I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."
     After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you.   Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
     William was heart-broken.  But after eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."
     Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news.  "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
     William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half- sister."
     His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

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The Gift

     A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note.... Romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
     During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items, and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
     Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

My Dearest,
     I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.
     These are a delicate shade but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
     I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
     When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
     I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

          All My Love

     P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

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THE "STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS" THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN:

Members of Congress...people of America....
     I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oilier Earl Campbell would envy.
     Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
     Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part.
     Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of someplace called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.
     Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn (a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently).  Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. The stock market is higher than a D- student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
     Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.
     Thank you, good night, and God bless America.

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What do you call a gay Indian?
A brave fucker.

What does a polish women do after sucking a cock?
Spits out the feathers.

What do gays call hemorrhoids?
Speed bumps.

What's the best thing to give an 80 year old woman for her Birthday?
Mikey--he'll eat anything.

What do jello and women have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.

In Greece, how do you separate the men from the boys?
With a crow bar.

What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

What's the definition of virginity?
A big issue over a little tissue.

Why do Polish men make such lousy lover's?
They always wait for the swelling to go down.

What is the last thing Tickle Me Elmo got before he left the factory?
A couple of test tickles!

What is the difference between a genealogist & a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up your family tree...a gynecologist looks up your family bush!!

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection??
A quarter pounder with cheese!!!

What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?
A cock that can stay up all night!!

If a Stork brings white babies & crows bring black babies, what brings no babies?
A SWALLOW!!

What is the difference between a porcupine & a corvette??
Porcupines have pricks on the outside!!

What do you call a lesbian with thick fingers??
WELL HUNG!!!

What do you call a tent full of lesbians??
A FINGER HUT!!

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     A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
     The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
     When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a 12 inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and noseplugs.
     Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
     The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand - the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber."

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Appropriate Dress

     A man, called in for an audit at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing.  Let them think you are a pauper."
     Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
     Confused, the man then went to his priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some advice.
     "Let me tell you a story," replied the priest. "A woman, about to get married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.   'Wear a long, flannel nightgown that goes up to your neck.'  But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice.  'Wear your sexiest negligee.' "
     The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
     "No matter what you wear," the priest shrugged, "you're going to get screwed."

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Typical Hospital

     A medical student is doing is rotation on the psychiatric ward.   He is getting a tour by the attending psychiatrist, seeing the grounds, etc. The two of them walk down a hall, with a number of locked doors on both sides.
     The attending doctor opens the first door on the left. The student looks in and sees a man, buck naked and shaved completely bald.  The man is laying on a mattress, which, besides the toilet, is the only item in the white room. The man is furiously masturbating.
     The student, shocked, asks "My God, what is his problem?"
     The attending doctor answers, "He has a very unique condition. He is locked in a delusion belief system: he thinks that if he does not ejaculate 17 times each day, his testicles will explode."
     They leave and continue walking down the hall. The attending doctor unlocks and opens another door. Inside the resident sees a man sitting on a canopied bed, decked out in a velvet robe.  The room is as finely appointed as a five-star hotel. In one hand the patient holds a glass of scotch, in the other a fine Cuban cigar. There is also a beautiful, buxom, blonde nurse in the room, performing oral sex on the patient.
     The student, perplexed, asks, "What is his problem?"
     The attending doctor replies "Oh, he has the same problem as that last guy, but he has a much better insurance plan."

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Things NOT to Say During Sex

But everybody looks funny naked!

You woke me up for that?

Did I mention the video camera?

Do you smell something burning?

(in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

Try breathing through your nose.

A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

But whipped cream makes me break out.

Can you please pass me the remote control?

Do you accept Visa?

On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

And to think--I was really trying to pick up your friend!

So much for mouth-to-mouth.

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

Do you get any premium movie channels?

Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

But I just brushed my teeth...

I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

I want a baby!

So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

I think you have it on backwards.

I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

No, really... I do this part better myself!

They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

What are you planning to make for breakfast?

I have a confession...

Does this count as a date?

You can cook too, right?

Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

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Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
A: He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

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     President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President.
     "It's this Abortion Bill, Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies.
     "Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.

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     Clinton is looking out of the window, and he notices that someone has urinated the message: "BILL SUCKS!" on a wall outside the White House. Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every member of the White House staff and find the culprit immediately.
     A week later, the FBI director calls. "Mr. President, I have good news and bad news," he says. "The good news is that the urine belongs to Bob Dole."
     "And the bad news?" Clinton demands.
     After a slight pause, the director replies, "Sir, the handwriting belongs to your wife!"

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Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.

Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes HE did?
A: A dead girlfriend.

Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader.

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q: Why is Hillary suing Bill for divorce?
A: Because he's doing to everybody what he should only be doing to her.

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     President French-Fry was out jogging when a hooker standing on the corner hailed him. "Hey Mr. President! Fifty bucks!"
     "No, no." Bill replied with a grin, "Five bucks!" and kept on jogging.
     This exchange soon became a part of the President's normal routine.  Each day as he'd approach the corner, the hooker would yell out, "Hey Mr. President...fifty bucks!" and Bill would holler back, "No, five bucks!"
     Well, one day, Hillary decided she wanted to go jogging with Bill. As they neared the corner, Bill suddenly realized what a terrible scene was about to happen. Sure enough, there was the hooker, and just like all the other times, she smiled and waved...
     And yelled out, "Hey, Mr. President......see what you get for five bucks!"

 

 


 

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