(all those jokes, platitudes, and stories that
just don't fit into any other category)

The World's Easiest Quiz

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October evolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) What country do Chinese gooseberries come from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Answers

1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2) Ecuador.
3) From sheep and horses.
4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5) Squirrel fur.
6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of
Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8) Distinctively crimson.
9) New Zealand.
10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

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Baseball In Heaven

     Two friends John and Dave were two huge baseball fans. Their entire lives, John and Dave talked baseball. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
     One night, John passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Dave awoke to the sound of John's voice from beyond.
     "John, is that you?" Dave asked.
     "Yes, it's me," John replied.
     "This is unbelievable!" Dave exclaimed.  "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
     "Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you," John answered.  "Which do you want to hear first?"
     "Tell me the good news first!" Dave urged.
     "Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven," John told him.
     "Oh, that is wonderful!" Dave cried.  "So what is the bad news?"
     John shrugged his shoulders and offered his friend a rueful smile.  "You're pitching tomorrow night."

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Food for Thought
  
- Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
  
- It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
  
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  
- Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
  
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
  
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
  
- Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
  
- Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
  
- When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
  
- If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
  
- The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
  
- Never take life seriously.  Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
  
- There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
  
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  
- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  
- It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
  
- Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
  
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
 
- Life is sexually transmitted.
  
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

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Here's one for all you literary types!   Enjoy!!

This assignment was actually turned in by two college English students:
Rebecca <last name deleted and Gary <last name deleted>
English 44A  -  SMU  -  Creative Writing  -  Prof Miller

                 In-class Assignment for Wednesday:

     Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.   The process is simple.  Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.  One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story.  The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.  The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.  Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.  The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

----------------------------------------------------------------

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.  The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl.  His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much, her asthma started acting up again.  So camomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.   "A.S. Harris to Geostation17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established.  No  sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle  beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.  The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him.   Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.  "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.  The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth--when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.   "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles.   The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.  Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.  With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.  The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded.   The President, in his top-3D secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans.  The President slammed his fist on the conference table.  "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!   Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd.  I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.  My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah?  Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

You total Shit.

Stupid Bitch.

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Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University.  It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale.  The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist.  I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):

"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale".

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

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Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

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Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."

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The Mix-Up

     A new business was opening, and a long-time friend of the owner decided to send flowers for the occasion. He arrived at the "grand opening", accepted a glass of champagne and a warm handshake from his host, then browsed about the room examining the many floral arrangements and potted plants. Finally, he happened upon his own offering, only to find an attached card bearing this sentiment: "Rest in Peace."
     Embarrassed and irate at the florist's error, he phoned to lodge a complaint.
     After venting his anger in a lengthy tirade, he waited for the florist's explanation. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry...imagine this: Somewhere a funeral is taking place today, and they have a lovely floral spray with an attached note saying: 'Congratulations on your new location!' "

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You Were Always by My Side

     Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he finally came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
     As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
     "What dear?" she asked gently.
     He glared up at her.  "I think you bring me bad luck!" he retorted.

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After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

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The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

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For our members in the military we present:   Some Of Murphy's Military Laws

-  The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
-  The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
-  The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
-  If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
-  The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
-  The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
-  Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant.'
-  All battles are fought uphill and in the rain.
-  Tracers works both ways.
-  If the enemy is in range, so are you.
-  War is like love. To triumph, you must make contact. -   Attributed to Napoleon
-  It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.
-  Your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.

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Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!

     AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership."  He received a $26 million severance package.  Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

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With a Little Help from Our Friends!

     Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up...

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Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!

     In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

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Have I Got a Deal for You!

     More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars.  According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available."
     Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...

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AGE HAPPENS

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any. (Milton Berle)

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (Milton Berle)

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. (Robert Benchley)

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.

I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower.  (Gypsy Rose Lee)

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

Doctor to patient:  I have good news and bad news--the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament:  Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

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MORE HILARIOUS ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES:

Actual Answering Machine Messages
(recorded and verified by the world famous International
Institute of Answering Machine Answers)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are  my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid
institution,  you didn't send me enough money. If you are my friends, you
owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The  bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of
toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible
speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.
The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so
you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto)
He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you  leave message, I call you soon.
If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself
with one of these cute little magnets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their
carpets are already clean. They give to charity through their office, and
do not need their picture taken.  If you're still with me, leave your name
and number, and they will get back to you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"This is not an answering machine...this is a telepathic thought-
recording device. After the tone, think about your name,
your reason for calling and a number where
I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now, and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably
aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy
now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist
suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled
to leave your name, number, and a message."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those
reasons is why we're not here.  So leave a message."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi. Now you say something."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello, you've reached Kim and Jerry. We can't pick up the phone right now,
because we're doing something we really enjoy. Kim likes doing it
up and down, and I like doing it left  to right...real slowly.  So leave a
message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

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This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland:

Canadians:  Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:  Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians:  Negative.  You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:  This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:  No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET.  WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians:  This is a lighthouse.  Your call.

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Get thee to a punnery

1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank...proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.  One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.  The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.  The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.  After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict."
     His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap.  He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"
     The waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

6. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
    The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

7. Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
    One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!"
    "Are you sure?"
    "Yeah, I'm positive!"

8. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? 
    He wanted to transcend dental medication.

9. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off.
    "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

10. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.   The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.  One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.
     Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.  The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
     "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

11. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.    He came across two men.  One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.  The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
     Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

12. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.  He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.  Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

13. A guy goes to a psychiatrist.  "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams.  First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam.  It's driving me crazy.  What's  wrong with me?"
     The doctor replies: "It's very simple.  You're two tents."

14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal."  The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.   Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
    Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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"Welfare Dept Letter Excerpts"

The following are excerpts from actual letters received by the welfare department of an unnamed state.

"I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children.  I had seven but one died which was baptized on half a sheet of paper."

"I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?"

"Mrs. Jackson has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy."

"I cannot get sick pay, I have six children. Can you tell me why?"

"I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead."

"This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?"

"Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows."

"I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illegitimate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born."

"In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory."

"I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which is a mistake, as you can see."

"My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since."

"Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life."

"You have changed my boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?"

"I have no children as yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night."

"In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope."

"I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor."

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HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

1) Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does.  This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names.   "That's a good point, Sparky."  "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing.   For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes.  Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle.  When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer.  Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk.  Label it "IN."

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom.   When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

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     A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.  "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
     The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

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     A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
     Just as he was about to tee off,  an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man, as he was golfing alone.
     Not being able to say no,  he allowed the old man to join him.  To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball   far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
     Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
     With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, and hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk.  It thudded back on   the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.  Several more times he tried to make the shot, but he simply couldn't get the ball over the top of the tree.
     Finally the old man offered one more comment:  "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

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A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen--And This Kitchen Is Delirious!

No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out

Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Perfectly Normal Lives!

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines!

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We all know that soccer is boooorrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnggggg!!!!!!!!!  But the announcers are just as bad in this sport as they are in the others.

WORLD CUP ONE-LINERS

"Pires has got something about him, he can go both ways depending on who's facing him" - David Pleat

"Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball" - Ian St John

"The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game" - Kevin Keegan

"Moreano thought that the full back was gonna come up behind and give him one really hard" - Big Ron

"Adams is stretching himself, looking for Seaman" - Brian Moore

"I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish" - Ian St John

"Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored" - Terry Venables

"The Croatians don't play well without the ball" - Barry Venison

"It had to go in, but it didn't" - Peter Drury

"That's lifted the crowd up into the air" - Barry Davies

"He never fails to hit the target. But that was a miss." - Bobby Robson

"Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders" - Kevin Keegan

*** More Kevin Keegan (retired footballer/active TV audience annoyer) specials:

"Only one team can win this game....and that team is England," followed by Brian Moore "But wait a minute, here's Dan Petrescu................."

"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose"

"That would have been a goal if the goalkeeper hadn't saved it"

"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's completely different"

"A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly came off"


*** Some Big Rons:

"Zidane is not very happy, because he's suffering from the wind"

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces"

"They've picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot to carry on their shoulders"

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw"

"He sliced the ball when he had it on a plate"

"I'm afraid they've left their legs at home"

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Subject: FW: New sniglets! (technical vocabulary)

1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 

2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.  The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 

5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

7) Dopelar Effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon.  Also known as an E-T-ry.

9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed.  Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species. 

10) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.

11) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies and social service agencies dwell without funding.

12) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world. 

13) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

14) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

15)  Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

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Subject:  Only in America

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance....

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, a large fry and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures...

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HUMOROUS BLOOPERS

For Sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too!

Dog for Sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Auto Repair Service: Try us once -- you'll never go anywhere else again.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must like the food business, be dependable, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

 

 


 

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