(all those jokes, platitudes, and stories that
just don't fit into any other category)

Bands That Belong Together:

Kansas and Toto

Milli Vanilli and The Pretenders

Guess Who and Who

Styx and Stones

Fine Young Cannibals and Missing Persons

Beach Boys and UB40

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     Mark was walking home from school one day when he noticed the boy ahead of him had tripped and dropped all of the books he was carrying, along with two sweaters, a baseball bat, a glove and a small tape recorder. Mark knelt down and helped the boy pick up the scattered articles. Since they were going the same way, he helped to carry part of the burden.
     As they walked Mark discovered the boy's name was Bill, that he loved video games, baseball and history, and that he was having lots of trouble with his other subjects and that he had just broken up with his girlfriend.
     They arrived at Bill's home first, and Mark was invited in for a Pepsi and to watch some television.  The afternoon passed pleasantly with a few laughs and some shared small talk, then Mark went home.
     They continued to see each other around school, had lunch together once or twice, then both graduated from junior high school.  They ended up in the same high school, where they had brief contacts over the years. Finally the long-awaited senior year came, and three weeks before graduation, Bill asked Mark if they could talk.
     Bill reminded him of the day years ago when they had first met.   "Did you ever wonder why I was carrying so many things home that day?" asked Bill. "You see, I cleaned out my locker because I didn't want to leave a mess for anyone else. I had stored away some of my mother's sleeping pills and I was going home to commit suicide. But after we spent some time together talking and laughing, I realized that if I had killed myself, I would have missed that time and so many others that might follow. So you see, Mark, when you picked up those books that day, you did a lot more, you saved my life."

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Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled out a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?

Florida: [Pardon our English] Wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, a thief burst into the bank one day. Taking aim at the armed security guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A _ _ _ _-UP!!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then, the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he had been about to draw his gun. He could not have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank has put an engraved plaque on the wall "Freeze, Mother-Stickers, this is a _ _ _ _-up!"

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he would just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So, he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk immediately called 9-1-1 and the woman was able to give the police a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer...that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Washington: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more that he had bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near some spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

New Jersey: A Newark woman reporting her car as stolen mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The police officer taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Michigan: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home....With the chain still attached to the machine....With their bumper still attached to the chain....With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

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A Question For The Corporate Exec

     The pompous corporate executive concluded his talk. "Does anyone have any questions?"
     "Yes sir," asked one bright young employee.   "To what do you attribute your success?"
     "There are two rules for success in any organization," the executive answered.  "Rule Number 1 - Never tell people everything you know.   Are there any more questions?"

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Travel Agent Stories

The following are actual stories told by travel agents (and you wonder why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on geography)...

     I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted, "I know it is real, I see them check in every week!"

     Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

     A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

     I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
     Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
     Her response.... click.

     A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A.

     A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

     I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
     I said, "No."
     He said, "But they look so close on the map."

     Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he
wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

     A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

     A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?"
     I said, "No, why do you ask?"
     She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"
     After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

     I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied,   "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

     A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."

     A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh no, I don't," he replied.  "I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa.  When I told him this, he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

     A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York."
     The agent was at a loss for words.  Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
     "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
     After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."
     The customer retorted, "Oh, don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!"
     The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
     "That's it!" the customer exclaimed.  "I knew it was a big animal!"

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You Figure It Out.....

In Nashville, they tell of Fred "Junior" Williams, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.

In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money.  Frustrated,he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran--but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall. Unplugging it, he tried again, but a diner decked him and called police.

In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.

Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. He said he'd stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable.

In Lawrence, Kansas, officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes.

In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.

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"Information Please"

     When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood.  I remember well the polished old case fastened to the wall.    The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box.  I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother used to talk to it.
     Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person--her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know.   "Information Please" could supply anybody's number and the correct time.
     My first personal experience with this genie-in-the-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor.  Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer.
     The pain was terrible, but there didn't seem to be any reason in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy.  I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway.
     The telephone!
     Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing.  Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.  "Information Please," I said into the mouthpiece just above my head.
     A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.   "Information."
     "I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone.   The tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.
      "Isn't your mother home?" came the question.
      "Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.
      "Are you bleeding?"
      "No," I replied.  "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."
      "Can you open your icebox?" she asked.  I said I could.  "Then chip off a little piece of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice.
       After that, I called "Information Please" for everything.  I asked her for help with my geography and she told me where Philadelphia was.  She helped me with my math.  She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before would eat fruits and nuts.
     Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary died.  I called "Information Please" and told her the sad story.  She listened, then said the usual things grown-ups say to soothe a child.  But I was un-consoled.    I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?"
      She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Paul, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in."    Somehow I felt better.
      Another day I was on the telephone.  "Information Please."
     "Information," said the now familiar voice.
     "How do you spell fix?" I asked.
     All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.    When I was 9 years old, we moved across the country to Boston.   I missed my friend very much.  "Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home, and I somehow never thought of trying the tall, shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall.
     As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me.  Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then.  I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.
     A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle.  I had about half an hour or so between planes.  I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now.  Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said,  "Information, Please."
     Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well, "Information."
     I hadn't planned this but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell fix?"
     There was a long pause.  Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by now."
     I laughed.  "So it's really still you," I said.   "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time."
     "I wonder", she said, "if you know how much your calls meant to me.  I never had any children, and I used to look forward to your calls."
     I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.
     "Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally."
     Three months later I was back in Seattle.   A different voice answered "Information."  I asked for Sally.
     "Are you a friend?" she said.
     "Yes, a very old friend," I answered.
     "I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said.  "Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick.   She died five weeks ago."
     Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute.  Did you say your name was Paul?"
     "Well, Sally left a message for you.  She wrote it down in case you called.  Let me read it to you."
     The note said, "Tell him I still say there are other worlds to sing in.  He'll know what I mean."
     I thanked her and hung up.  I knew what Sally meant.

  - Anonymous -

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Have you ever noticed....  Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
            --George Carlin

You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
            --Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.  They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
            --Rita Rudner

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.  So I grew hair under my arms instead.
            --Sue Kolinsky

I'm not into working out.  My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
            --Carol Leifer

I have a great diet.  You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
            --Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day you're off it.
            --Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
            --Jay Leno

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
            --Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
            --Dave Edison

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
            --George Gobel

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the Salvation  Army instead.  They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.  Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
            --Billiam Coronel

Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same.
            --Oscar Wilde

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
            --A. Whitney Brown

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
            --Dave Barry

Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back.  Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while.
            -- Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing
                an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics.

Suppose you were an idiot...  And suppose you were a member of Congress ....   But I repeat myself.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
            --A. Whitney Brown

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
            --Jim Carrey

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.  That's how she learned how to swim.  I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
            --Paula Poundstone

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.  That may  be.  But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals.  We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
            --Jeff Stilson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?  I think  that's how dogs spend their lives.
            --Sue Murphy

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
            --Lily Tomlin

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
            --Rita Rudner

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.  Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
            --Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?  I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
            --Lynda Montgomery

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
            --Marilyn Pittman

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
            --Lily Tomlin

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
            --Robin Williams

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to  accept God's final word on where your lips end.
            --Jerry Seinfeld

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York  said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't  cold enough.  Let's go west.'
            --Richard Jeni

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Really Funny Actual Store Signs

-  On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
-  Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
-  In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
-  On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
-  On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
-  At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
-  On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission."
-  On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
-  In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
-  On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
-  On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
-  At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
-  On a fence:"Salesmen welcome.  Dog food is expensive."
-  At a Car Dealership:"The best way to get back on your feet -  miss a car payment."
-  Outside a Muffler Shop:"No appointment necessary.  We'll hear you coming."
-  Outside a Hotel:"Help!  We need inn-experienced people."
-  In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
-  On a desk in a Reception Room:  "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
-  In a Veterinarian's waiting room:   "Be back in 5 minutes.   Sit!  Stay!"
-  On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
-  At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.   However, if you don't, you will be."
-  In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
-  On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
-  In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
-  Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet.  We need to hear a pin drop."
-  On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
-  In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
-  In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory.  Growing wise is optional."

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     I was sitting in my office one afternoon when a very attractive, sexy-looking blonde student knocked on my door.
     "Yes?", I replied, "how may I help you?"
     The blonde said, "I need to talk to you about my grade in your class."
     "Come in and have a seat," I said.
     "Is there anything I can do to get an "A" in your class?" she asked.
     "What do you mean by 'anything'?" I replied.
     "Anything," she smiled.
     "Anything?" I repeated, somewhat startled.
     She said, in her best sultry voice, "I mean anything, anything at all."
     I got up from behind my desk, sat down beside her, leaned over real close, put my arm around her and whispered in her ear, "Would you..."
     "Yesssssssssss??????" she asked expectantly.
     "Would you study?"

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  The Top 16 Changes Now That the Baby has Arrived

  16> Hubby drops to #2 on the list of people drooling at the sight of your breasts.

  15> Store clerks don't look at you so funny when you buy your regular weekly supply of diapers.

  14> Finally, someone you can beat at "Got Your Nose," at least for a year or so.

  13> You develop a liking for minivans, sensible shoes, and a deep-seated contempt for Michael Jackson.

  12> You're not so tolerant of strangers asking to touch your round little belly anymore now that you're just FAT.

  11> Goodbye, Happy Hour -- Hello, Happy Meal!

  10> Can't leave the AK-47's under the couch anymore.

   9> No longer get arrested for whipping out your breast on the subway.

   8> The realization that caca comes in a rainbow of lovely colors.

   7> Well, there goes the pet dingo.

   6> Cases of Bud Light quickly replaced by cases of Butt Wipes.

   5> Bundle of joy, my ass.  Just another ingrate to buy cigarettes for.

   4> Junior looks adorable in his little "sandbox", but the cat is seriously torqued about it.

   3> Mama cuts back to a sixer a day now that she's only "drinkin' fer one."

   2> For efficiency, your paycheck now direct-deposited to Disney.

      and the Number 1 Change Now That the Baby has Arrived...

   1> The closest you come to orgasm is when you think of sleep.

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Life is sexually transmitted.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
(And three rights make a left)

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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From a Washington Post Report, in which readers were asked to tell Gen-X'ers how much harder they had it in the old days:
Second Runner-Up:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
  (Bill Flavin, Alexandria)
First Runner-Up:
In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff.  No, it was 45's and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45's always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.
   (Russell Beland, Springfield)
And the winner of the velour bicentennial poster:
In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
   (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
Honorable Mentions:
In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip.
   (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about.  We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.
   (Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, we didn't have days. There was only time for work, time for prayer, and time for sleep. The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change.
   (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet.
   (David Ronka, Charlottesville)
In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as GKK-GAAK...   Urrgh.   Thud.
   (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
   (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)
In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the Silver Spring station and it was a bloody stump at the end.  But the base fare was only a dollar.
   (Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
   (Diana Hugue, Bowie)
In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did.
   (Peg Sheeran, Vienna)
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.
   (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
In my day, we wore our pants up around our armpits. Monstrous wedgies, but we looked snappy.
   (Bruce Evans, Washington)
In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.
   (Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover)

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     A truck driver stopped at a road side diner for lunch.  He ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie.  As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside.   The bikers came in, and one grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a bite from it.  The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down the apple pie.
     The truck driver didn't say a word.  He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left. 
     When he was gone, one of the motorcyclists said, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" 
     "He's not much of a driver, either," the cashier replied, "He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

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Yesterday a man walked all alone to the Department of Redundancy Department by himself on foot about 24 hours ago.

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Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

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New Job Interview Techniques
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs.  Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction.   At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

-  If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
-  If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
-  If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.
-  If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
-  If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.
-  If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.
-  If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.
-  If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
-  If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
-  If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.
-  If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
-  If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

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Laws in the 50 States...

Athens, GA: If more than three unrelated women live together, the house is considered a brothel.

Willowdale, OR:  It's against the law for a husband to talk dirty during sex.

Alabama:  A man cannot seduce a chaste woman by means of "temptation, deception, arts, flattery, or a promise of marriage."

14 states:  Heterosexual oral sex is illegal.  In 21 states, gay oral sex is illegal.

Newcastle, WY:  Couples are prohibited from having sex in a butcher's walk-in freezer

Every State:  It's illegal to have sex with a dead body.

Hawaii, Iowa, Maine, Mississippi:  These states have the youngest age of sexual consent: 14.

Carlsbad, NM:  It's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during lunch break as long as the car or van has drawn curtains.

Sioux Fall, SD:  Every hotel room is required to have twin beds.  The beds must remain a minimum of 2 feet apart when a couple rents the room for a single night.   It's illegal to have sex on the floor between the beds.

Massachusetts:  It's illegal for a hotel manager to allow a woman to room with more than one man for 30 days if the room is smaller than 400 square feet.

Cleveland, OH:  Women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes because they might reflect up her dress.

Mississippi:  S&M is against the law.  Specifically:  "The depiction or description of flagellation or torture by or upon a person who is nude or clad in undergarments or in a bizarre or revealing costume for the purpose of sexual gratification

Minnesota:  Bestiality - "whoever carnally knows a dead body of an animal or bird is guilty" - is illegal.

Fairbanks, AK:  It's illegal for two moose to have sex on the city sidewalks

Ames, IA:  A husband is not allowed to take more than three swallows of beer while in bed after having sex.

Connorsville, WI:  It's illegal for a man to shoot a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

10 states:  Cohabitation is illegal.

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     Del Monte To Can 150 Workers
     Include your Children when Baking Cookies
     Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
     Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
     Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
     Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
     Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
     Farmer Bill Dies in House
     Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
     Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
     Stud Tires Out
     Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
     Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
     Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
     British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
     Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
     Eye Drops off Shelf
     Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
     Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
     Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
     Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
     Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
     Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
     Miners Refuse to Work after Death
     Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
     Stolen Painting Found by Tree
     Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
     Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
     Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
     Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
     Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
     War Dims Hope for Peace
     If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
     Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
     Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
     Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
     Deer Kill 17,000
     Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
     Man Struck by Lightning Faces Batter Charge
     New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
     Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
     Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
     Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
     Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
     British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
     Ban On soliciting Dead in Trotwood
     Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
     Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
     New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
     Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
     Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
     Air Head Fired
     Steals Clock, Faces Time
     Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
     Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
     Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
     Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
     Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

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Top Ten Drugs Using Cartoon Suspects

10. Gargamel (the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD.  Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?

9.  Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?!  She might even be anorexic, she IS always giving her burger to her friend.  One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? They almost made the list for courting her.

8. Snagglepuss
Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.

7. He-Man
This is an easy one. I mean c'mon.  Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!"  Makes me want to root for Skeletor.  Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Animal Abuse.

6.& 5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip.
Another side ? - Are they gay? I mean, take a look at BooBoo. Not that there's anything wrong with that.....

4. Droopy
The number one downer abuser in toon land.  Can't someone slip him an upper every year
or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe.

3. Dopey (Dwarf)
He openly admits it. The other dwarves deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra 'scripts' for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.

2.  Daffy Duck
If he isn't using crack, Marion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't work for him. Might for his buddy with Tourettes, Porky, though.

1. Shaggy
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats (scooby snacks) consumed per episode smokes pot. And look at the way he and his friends painted that van!

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* When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.
* If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices in your house--move away immediately.
* Never read a book of demon-summoning aloud, even as a joke.
* Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
* If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.  NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
* When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.
* As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
* Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
* If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*
* If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
* Do not take *anything* from the dead.
* If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
* Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
* If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
* If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
* Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
* If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
* Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
* Listen closely to the soundtrack, and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

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Dr. Seuss on Affair Lewinsky

Mr. Kenneth Starr:

I am Starr. Starr-I-are.
I'm a brilliant barri-star.
I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see,
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?
Did you grope her, in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
Were you spied by prying eyes?

President Clinton:

I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not join -- even for fun,
The 'Mile High Club' in Air Force One,
So stow your feathers and your tar,
I did not do her, Starr-you-are!

Mr Starr:

Did you smile?
Did you Flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie,
When called upon to testify?

President Clinton:

That is it, you've gone too far!
I do not like you Starr-you-are!
I will not answer any more!
In fact, I think I'll start a war!
The public's easy to distract,
When bombs are falling on Iraq!

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"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."  - Johnny Carson

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     A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his students.  It had one question:   "Is hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic?  (absorbs heat) Support your answer with a proof."
     Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law or
some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

     First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets into hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.
     As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion we can project that all people, and all souls, go to hell.  With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
     Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
     #1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
     #2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
     So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Therese Banyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.




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