(all those jokes, platitudes, and stories that
just don't fit into any other category)
HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY
- You wake up face-down on the pavement.
- You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.
- You call Suicide Prevention, and they put you on hold.
- You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
- You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.
- You turn on the news, and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
- Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
- You wake up and discover that your waterbed broke, then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
- Your car horn goes off accidentally, and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
- Your wife wakes up feeling amorous, and you have a headache.
- Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
- The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
- You wake up and your braces are locked together.
- You walk to work, and find that your dress is stick in the back of your pantyhose.
- You call your answering service, and they tell you it's none of your business.
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
- Your income tax check bounces.
- You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
- Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill," and your name is George.
FREQUENT FLYER TRUISMS
1, No flight ever leaves on time, unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.
6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9. The best-looking man/woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
BREVITY: I'm gone!
(Klingon voice) Answering machine. Speak.
You have reached 555-6238. Why?
This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
(For Shakespeare lovers only) So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, And I'll get back to thee.
Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand, mind you, but compacted sand, and there were, like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.
Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine!
Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve...PRESTO! (Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.)
Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number.
Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.
(A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film voice, he recorded):
"Hi, this is Kathy. I'm not myself right now. If you leave your name and number,
I'll get back to you when I'm feeling better."
Da, dis is Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.
[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange.....mother.....unicorn.....penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1...
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
I can't come to the phone now, so if...well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh! This is so confusing!
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!!
This is the Literacy Self-Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is acetylcholinesterase (or clitoris, or scaphoid, or arrhenotky...)
[Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage--my shoulders really could use it--and,,,what? You're only supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn.....
And two of my personal favorites (used on our own phones from time to time):
You have reached 555-1234. Today has been absolutely rotten, so I have taken a sedative and gone to bed! Leave your name and number at the scream. AAARRRGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
(Done in corny Igor/vampire voice, with British pronunciation of "laboratory"):
Hullo...you have reached 555-1234. Mistress isn't home right now...she's down in the laboratory conducting a very...delicate...EXPERIMENT! But...if you'll leave your name, number, and blood type...I'm sure she'll get back to you...as soon as possible! Thanks for calling! (End with eerie, rising maniacal laugh...)
BEFORE I CAME TO COLLEGE, I WISH I HAD KNOWN.....
- That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class, I'd sleep right through it.
- That just being away from High School could make me so different.
- That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways, and not always know how much you love them until they are far away.
- That college kids throw airplanes, too.
- That laundry gets expensive.
- That if you wear polyester, everyone will ask you why you're so dressed up.
- That Pop Tarts and coffee are two of the greatest things on Earth.
- That every clock on campus shows a different time.
- That if you were smart in high school--so what?
- That yes, I do have an accent.
- That I don't really have to take Calculus to graduate.
- That I would go to a party the night before a final.
- That no matter how many test booklets you have, it's not enough.
- That even though beer is disgusting, everyone drinks it.
- That chem labs require more time than all my classes put together.
- That you can know everything and still fail a test.
- That you can know nothing and still ace a test.
- That I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roommate.
- That home is a great place to visit, but not for more than a week.
- That no matter how many times you proofread a paper, there is still a girl on the fifth floor who can shred it.
- That most of my education would be obtained outside of my classes.
- That privacy is very hard to come by.
- That friendship is more than getting drunk together.
- That I would be one of those people my parents warned me about.
- That free food served at 5:00 is gone by 5:30.
- That staying up until 1:00 a.m. on weeknights and crashing on the weekends isn't very good for your body.
- That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.
- That Psychology is really Biology, that Biology is really Chemistry, that Chemistry is really Physics, and Physics is really Math.
- That 50% of my sleep would come during Biology, Chemistry, Physics, and Math.
- That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.
- That my parents would begin to understand so much less.
- That it's possible to be alone even when you are surrounded by friends.
- That human contact really matters.
- That friends are what makes this place worthwhile!!
Don't be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before we can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or a lifetime, is certain for those who are friends.
QUOTES FOR X-MEN FANS:
X-Quotes You'll Never Hear!
"Gambit, come over here, hon, and get the lid off this jar for me."
"Can you reach the top shelf for me?"
"I've got to go to the store for some hair coloring. I've got this gray patch
that just won't go away."
"What's the French word for love again?"
"Where's my razor?"
"There's a disturbance in the psionic plane. I think I'll keep my nose
out of it this time."
"Wow, I used my powers and didn't faint!"
"Damn it, where'd I leave my gun?"
"How does this (*#@&*!&! Windows 95 work?"
"I just have to say that Cyclops is the epitome of coolness."
"OW!! A splinter! Jubilee, quick, go get the first-aid kit! I'm bleedin'!"
"Where's my letter opener?"
"Xavier, I am sick and tired of your stupid dream!"
"Forget about Magneto. A new episode of Melrose Place is on tonight."
"Not only am I the President of Hair Club for Men, but I'm also a client."
"Oh, no! I deleted my hard drive again!"
"Help!! I'm stuck to the refrigerator!"
"Help! I'm stuck to Magneto!"
"Citizens of the world, I'm going to leave you alone and take up knitting."
"I need your DNA, Cyclops. Here's a cup and a magazine."
"I don't have a weapon of any kind on me."
"Yo, Apocalypse, beer?"
In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of the price. What is his profit?
In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
In 1970 (New Math): A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C of the costs of production contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a subset of M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?
In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.
In 1990: (Outcome Based Education): By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)
In 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
(And we wonder why our kids are having so much trouble in school these days!!!)
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED IF...
- Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you, and suggest that you should get some rest.
- You achieve a "runner's high" by sitting up.
- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
- The Sun is too loud.
- Trees begin chasing you.
- You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
- You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso (or Mountain Dew, if you're a UNIX programmer).
- You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
- You can hear mimes.
- You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
- Things become "Very Clear."
- You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
- You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
- The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
- You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.
- Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
- You and Reality file for divorce.
- You can skip without a rope.
- It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
- You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
- You can travel without moving.
- Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
- You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
- You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before...
- Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.
POLICE PURSUED HIM ON TRICYCLE
A man who robbed a bank escaped on a child's 20-inch bicycle. Methuen, MA police are looking for a man in a bright yellow slicker who approached a teller with a note that read, "I have a gun. Hand over the money. No alarms and no dye pack, or I'll kill you."
Despite the note, the teller did put dye packs with the money into two plastic supermarket bags the robber provided.
The man ran out with the bags, jumped onto a kid's bike, and pedaled away. Police found the bike, slicker, and dyed money in the bushes about twenty minutes later, but the robber is still at large.
Source: Lawrence Eagle-Tribune
WAIT A MINUTE, KID, LET'S HAVE ANOTHER LOOK AT THAT BIKE!
Police mistakenly arrested a sixth-grader who had the same name as the 26-year-old man they were looking for. Boston police burst into Anthony Rivera's room at the Cleveland Middle School, hustled the stunned child into the hall, handcuffed him, and led him to a cruiser on charges of driving without a license. The arrest was part of a monthly sweep of scofflaws, known as Pro-Active Warrant Service.
Police, who had a picture of the twelve-year-old, drove him to the station, fingerprinted him, took a mug shot, read him his rights, took his belt and the contents of his pickets, and handcuffed him to a chair.
After three hours, the police realized that they had made a mistake, and returned the boy to school. Apparently little Anthony was in the city's computer file because he had a previous arrest for theft, which resulted in probation. A clerk apparently mixed him up with big Anthony when she was issuing the warrant.
No harm done, according to police Captain Robert Dunford, who said, "As far as we are concerned, it was a valid warrant."
Source: Boston Globe
ALL RIGHT, MAYBE YOU ARE THE FATHER...BUT HOW DO WE KNOW SHE'S THE MOTHER?
The father of slain rapper Tupak Shakur, who was absent throughout his son's life, has shown up to claim half of his son's estate. Bill Garland, a former member of the Black Panthers, says he met the rapper's mother, Afeni Shakur, at a Panther meeting in 1970.
"We did what we did, and made him," Garland says.
Shakur says she's uncertain that Garland is the father. According to her lawyer, "It's amazing that someone should disappear for 25 years, and then reappear for wealth."
Source: Boston Globe
HOW TO WRITE GOOD
My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Elimination quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
WHAT IS A FRIEND?
What is a friend?
A friend is someone you can count on to always be there,
In times when you're happy
Or on the edge of despair.
A friend has ideas they're willing to share.
What is a friend?
Someone who laughs with you, not in your face,
Someone who shares something with you,
Doesn't make you feel out of place.
Someone who cheers for you in a challenging race.
What is a friend?
Someone you go to when you're confused,
Someone who makes you laugh,
Keeps you amused.
With a true friend, you'll never feel used.
What is a friend?
All friends are different,
None are the same,
Whether you call them, "Hey Shortie!"
Or by their own name.
What is a friend?
Some people have two, three, or more,
Or so they claim.
But when all is said and done,
A friend will always treat you like number one.
THE WRITER'S BANE
I am not going to apologize for writing...I wasn't trained for anything else, and back home some other kid had my paper route. Writing is a legal way of avoiding work without actually stealing, and one that doesn't take any talent or training.
But writing is antisocial. Disturb a writer when he's in the throes of creation and he is likely to turn and bite right to the bone...and not even know that he's doing it. As writer's wives and husbands often learn to their horror.
And there is no way that writers can be tamed and rendered civilized. Or even cured. In a household with more than one person, of which one is a writer, the only solution known to science is to provide the patient with an isolation room, where he can endure the acute stages in private, and where food can be poked in to him with a stick. Because, if you disturb the patient at such times, he may break into tears or become violent. Or he may not hear you at all...and if you shake him at this stage, he bites.
No one enjoys writing, But the other insidious aspect of writing is that there is no way to stop. Writers go on writing long after it becomes financially unnecessary...because it hurts less to write than it does not to write.
I didn't understand, when I took that first fatal step--a short story, it was, and I honestly thought I could quit anytime. Never mind--in another ten years you will understand. Just pay no attention to me when I whimper. Doesn't mean anything--just the monkey on my back.
Psychoanalysis won't help, and I can't risk it. I once knew a writer who tried that route. Cured him of writing, all right. But did not cure him of the need to write. The last I saw of him, he was crouching in a corner, trembling. That was his good phase. But the mere sight of a word processor would throw him into a fit.
quote by Colin Campbell
"The Cat Who Walks Through Walls"
written by Robert A. Heinlein
HOSPITAL COST-CUTTING MEASURES MEMO
TO: All Hospital Staff
SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures
Effective immediately this hospital will no longer provide separate security personnel. Each Charge Nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the Pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors as well as previous secretarial duties.
Food services will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or may make arrangements with Subway, Dominos, etc. before meal time. Coin operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patients may wish to make.
Housekeeping and Physical Therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts from their final bill. Time cards will be provided.
As you can seen on the "FROM:" line above, Administration is assuming Groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed-whacker, etc.
Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two X-rays per patient per day. This is due to the turn-around time required by the nearby drug store's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. The drug store will also honor competitors coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the Emergency Department.
In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures, the electric company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc. so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.
In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the Pharmacy for nosocomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for purchase through the hospital Pharmacy, and will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed on the HMO's formulary.
These are only a few of the ways the hospital is containing costs. A bonus (in relation to the size of the monetary amount that was saved) will be given to any employee who comes up with more ideas on how to save money.
Thanks to Mark Kereston for passing this on to us. Mark used to work for this hospital but suggested that he be fired, thus saving the hospital the cost of his salary. Mark was presented his bonus at his going-away party.
Reservations Of An Airline Agent
(After Surviving 130,000 Calls From The Traveling Public)
By Jonathan Lee of The Washington Post
I work in a central reservation office of an airline company. After more than 130,000 conversations - all ending with "Have a nice day and thanks for calling" - I think it's fair to say that I'm a survivor.
I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know the difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military recruits who didn't trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the woman who called to get advice on how to handle her teenage daughter, from the man who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so he wouldn't have to pay for a seat, from the woman who wanted to know why she had to change clothes on our flight between Chicago and Washington (she was told she'd have to make a change between the two cities) and from the man who asked if I'd like to discuss the existential humanism that emanates from the soul of Habeeb.
In five years, I've received more than a boot camp education regarding the astonishing lack of awareness of our American citizenry. This lack of awareness encompasses every region of the country, economic status, ethnic background, and level of education. My battles have included everything from a man not knowing how to spell the name of the town he was from, to another not recognizing the name of "Iowa" as being a state, to another who thought he had to apply for a foreign passport to fly to West Virginia. They are the enemy and they are everywhere.
In the history of the world, there has never been as much communication and new things to learn as today. Yet, after asking a woman from New York what city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked "Oh ... is it a big place?"
I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati, a man in Minneapolis who didn't know there was more than one city in the South ("wherever the South is"), a woman in Nashville who asked, "Instead of paying for my ticket, can I just donate the money to the National Cancer Society?", and a man in Dallas who tried to pay for his ticket by sticking quarters in the pay phone he was calling from.
I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortly after signing on, a man asked if we flew to Exit 35 on the New Jersey Turnpike. Then a woman asked if we flew to area code 304. And I knew I had been shipped off to the front when I was asked, "When an airplane comes in, does that means it's arriving or departing?"
I remembered the strict training we had received - four weeks of regimented classes on airline codes, computer technology, and telephone behavior - and it allowed no means of retaliation. We were told, "It's real hell out there and you have no defense. You're going to hear things so silly, you can't even make them up. You'll just try to explain things to your friends that you don't even believe yourself, and just when you think you've heard it all, someone will ask if they can get a free round-trip ticket to Europe by reciting 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'."
It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit from a woman who wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, NY. After assuring her that there was no such city, she became irate and said it was a big city with a big airport. I asked her if Hippopotamus was near Albany or Syracuse. It wasn't. Then I asked if it was near Buffalo. "Buffalo!", she said, "I knew it was a big animal!"
Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by a man who tried to catch our flight in Maconga. I told him I'd never heard of Maconga and we certainly didn't fly to it. But he insisted we did and to prove it he showed me his ticket: Macon, GA.
I've done nothing during my conversational confrontations to indicate that I couldn't understand English. But after quoting the round-trip fare the passenger just asked for, he'll always ask, "... Is that one-way?" I never understood why they always question if what I just gave them is what they just asked for.
But I've survived to direct the lost, correct the wrong, comfort the weary, teach U.S. geography and give tutoring in the spelling and pronunciation of American cities. I have been told things like, "I can't go stand-by for your flight because I'm in a wheelchair." I've been asked such questions as, "I have a connecting flight to Knoxville. Does that mean the plane sticks to something?" And once a man wanted to go to Illinois. When I asked what city he wanted to go to in Illinois, he said, "Cleveland, Ohio."
After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a wise old veteran of the communication conflict and can anticipate with accuracy what the next move by "them" will be. Seventy-five percent won't have anything to write on. Half will not have thought about when they're returning. A third won't know where they're going. Ten percent won't care where they're going. A few won't care if they get back. And James will be the first name of half the men who call.
But even if James doesn't care if he gets to the city he never heard of. Even if he thinks he has to change clothes on our plane that may stick to something. Even if he can't spell, pronounce, or remember what city he's returning to, he'll get there because I've worked very hard to make sure that he can. Then with a click of the phone, he'll become a part of my past and I'll be hoping the next caller at least knows what day it is.
Oh, and James, "Thanks for calling and have a nice day."
THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE CONGRESSIONAL RETREAT
"Sorry, Mr. Traficant, pants ARE required in the dining room."
"So, Congressman...are you and your wife into 'swinging'?"
"Someone find the Kennedy boys...the strippers are here!"
"Sorry, Mr. Dornan, you are no longer a congressman. I'm calling security."
"Hey everyone, come quick! They're giving Kasich a wedgie!"
"Congressman, you sure have a purdy mouth."
"Get closer to the edge of the cliff, Mr. Speaker, and I'll take your picture."
"Hey, what are the Montana reps doing with that fertilizer?"
"No, Congressman Schumer, I don't think that's a bear. Go back to bed."
THIS MAKES THOSE SUPERMODELS SEEM EVEN MORE FREAKISH
According to a new National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey, more than one-third of American adults are fat, the highest percentage since researchers started tracking our expanding waistlines in the 1960's. Not surprisingly, poor eating habits and lack of exercise are to blame. After learning of the shocking growth in fatness, most Americans ate a handful of Little Debbie's and took a long nap.
ENTER AS THE "THIN" YOU. LEAVE AS THE "FAT" YOU.
The official Elvis restaurant is preparing to open in Memphis, Tennessee, and will be serving many Presley favorites like banana-peanut butter sandwiches. No word on whether you can order a nicely chilled cold medicine cocktail to wash it down with.
REMEMBER WHEN SOUPY SALES ASKED KIDS TO SEND HIM MONEY?
A survey by Computer Security Institute reveals that 75% of companies, government agencies, financial institutions, and universities suffered millions of dollars in losses due to computer security breaches last year. In order to prevent illegal access to your computer, be sure to e-mail me--as soon as possible--the location of your computer, and hours when your house is empty, and I'll keep an eye on things. Trust me. Hey, who's your buddy? ;-)~
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon, and six more drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
In a recent contest, the Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neurons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.
Einsteinium it ain't.
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
- I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
- I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
- I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
- As I approached an intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck a pedestrian.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.
- I told that police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
- The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
- I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
- I wanted to ram this guy walking down the street because he was so ugly, I felt pity and wanted to relieve his misery.
- The pedestrian ran into my car before I ran him over.
- I shot the pedestrian before I hit him; therefore, he was already dead when I struck him.
Do you know who, in 1923, was:
1. President of the largest steel company (Charles Schwab)
2. President of the largest gas company (Edward Hopson)
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange (Richard Whitney)
4. Greatest wheat speculator (Arthur Coogan)
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street (Cosabee Rivermore)
*** These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least, they found the secret to making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men?
1. Charles Schwab died a pauper.
2. Edward Hopson is insane.
3. Richard Whitney was released from prison to die at home.
4. Arthur Coogan died abroad, penniless.
5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6. Cosabee Rivermore committed suicide.
The same year, in 1923, George Sarazan won both the PGA and U.S. Open Golf tournaments. Today he is still playing golf, and is solvent.
*** CONCLUSION: Stop worrying about business and start playing golf!