(all those jokes, platitudes, and stories that
just don't fit into any other category)
These are actual lines out of performance appraisal forms for the military.
-Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
-Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
-A room temperature IQ.
-Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
-A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
-A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
-A prime candidate for natural deselection.
-Bright as Alaska in December.
-One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
-Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
-Fell out of the family tree.
-Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
-Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
-He's so dense, light bends around him.
-If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
-If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
-If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
-If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
-It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
-One neuron short of a synapse.
-Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
-Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
-Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
-Somewhere there's a village with the idiot missing.
One night, a twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie.
Suddenly, an oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of
them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed a pack, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take the parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
Did You Know...
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
Nearly a third of all bottled drinking water purchased in the US is contaminated with bacteria.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over 1 million descendents.
You are more likely to be struck by lightning that to be eaten by a shark.
You are more likely to be infected by flesh-eating bacteria than you are to be struck by lightning.
If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may encounter the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to follow a stream of urine to its source, swim inside the body, and flare its barbed fins. It will remain firmly embedded in the flesh until surgically removed.
When a pilot light in a gas barbecue fails to ignite the gas jets properly, it is easy for you to inhale gas accidentally while trying to light it by hand. If this has happened, when the match does light, sometimes a trail of flame will blaze from the jet into your mouth, filling your lungs with fire. Oddly enough, you would suffocate before burning to death as the flame would consume the oxygen in every breath you would take.
The soft plastic headphones used on airplanes create a warm, moist environment in the ear canal that is ideal for breeding bacteria. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
On a plane, if the passenger in your seat on the incoming flight had serious gas, then you are sitting on a cushion full of disease-causing microbes.
Homely criminals get 50% longer jail sentences on average than good-looking criminals.
Four sunken nuclear submarines sit at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. One, a Russian sub resting in deep water off of Bermuda, holds 16 live nuclear warheads. Scientists and oceanographers are unsure what the impact of the escaping plutonium will have, but warn that corrosion could create the proper chemical environment for a massive nuclear chain reaction.
In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular telephone catapulted a power wheelchair at a scenic vista in Colorado, sending the passenger over a cliff.
If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
More people working in advertising died on the job in 1996 than died while working in petroleum refining.
The Loony Sex Laws you never knew you were breaking!
In Connersville, Wisconsin, it is illegal for a male to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.
It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you--or holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown--if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!
The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer!
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job...for men only...called a corset inspector.)
However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons. (That's the day they normally do "buff dives," i.e. skydiving in the nude.)
Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio--a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"
No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
-- Steven Wright
I just bought a microwave fireplace...You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes. -- Steven Wright
Signs Your Luge Run Isn't Going So Well
Sufficient speed? Check. Firm turns? Check. Pants? Uh oh.
Four guys in a bobsled keep flashing their lights at you.
Your wife runs alongside cheering for a good nine turns.
Your "luge" is actually a tray from the Olympic Village Commissary.
One bad bump finds you bulleting through Nagano's sewer system.
Your face seems to be creating more drag than the sled runners did.
A flash of orange, a loud thump, and then "Oh my God, they killed Kenny! The bastards!"
"Think I'll use 'Rosebud' today."
G-forces have peeled off both your suit and your Snowlets Underoos.
Michelle Kwan just passed you.
Faint odor of smoking buttcheeks getting stronger by the second.
Beans for lunch + Spandex Suit = Hot Air Balloon
Sure, the sundress is killer, but it's wreaking havoc on your aerodynamics, dude.
In retrospect, perhaps kissing the sled for good luck at 30 below wasn't such a great idea.
Your partner breathlessly whispers that that's not the emergency brake poking you in the back.
CNN REPORTS A NEW VIRUS HAS BEEN RECENTLY DISCOVERED. ONE PERSON CAN PASS IT ON TO MILLIONS AS IT IS VERY CONTAGIOUS.
THE CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL HAS REPORTED THIS WEEK THAT THE VIRUS SPREADS VERY RAPIDLY FROM ONE PERSON TO THE NEXT. THEY HAVE PUT A VERY INTERESTING NAME ON THIS VIRUS. IT IS CALLED.......
OH OH! TOO LATE!!
I SEE IT ON YOUR FACE ALREADY!
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
The grave side was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes--conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat-looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."
So the hobo goes around back, and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. The cook will bring your meal right in."
The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porch. It's a BMW."
An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker," the doctor told her. "Take these pills three times a day for seven days, and come back and see me in a week."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse. I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to property offered as collateral. The title dated back to 1803, and he had to spend three months running it down. After sending the information to the FHA, he got this reply:
"We received your letter today enclosing application for loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. Let us compliment you on the able manner in which you prepared and presented the application. However, you have not cleared the title before the year 1803, and therefore, before final approval can be accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back of that year."
Annoyed, the lawyer replied: "Your letter regarding titles in Case No. 189156 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have presented them. I was unaware that any educated man in the world failed to know that Louisiana was purchased from France in 1803.
"The title to the land was acquired by France by right of conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by right of discovery made in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then-reigning monarch, Isabella.
"The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much I might say, as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope for the voyage before she sold her jewels to help Columbus.
"Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana, and I hope to hell you are satisfied."
THE OJ TRIAL AS TOLD BY DR. SEUSS
I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.
And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey, now I'm free--give back my glove!!
RULES FOR BEING HUMAN
1. YOU WILL RECEIVE A BODY. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period.
2. YOU WILL LEARN LESSONS. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called "life." Each day in this school, you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons, or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3. THERE ARE NO MISTAKES--ONLY LESSONS. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works."
4. A LESSON IS REPEATED UNTIL IT IS LEARNED. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.
5. LEARNING LESSONS DOES NOT END. There is no part of "life" that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. "THERE" IS NO BETTER THAN "HERE." When your "there" has become a "here," you will simply obtain another "there" that will, again, look better than "here."
7. OTHERS ARE MERELY MIRRORS OF YOU. You cannot love or hate something about any other person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. WHAT YOU MAKE OF YOUR LIFE IS UP TO YOU. You have the means to obtain all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. YOUR ANSWERS LIE INSIDE YOU. The answers to life's questions are already yours. All you have to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. YOU WILL FORGET ALL THIS.
DARWIN AWARD WINNER FOR 1997 ANNOUNCED
You all know about the Darwin Awards--it's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
In 1996, the winner was an Air Force Sergeant who attached a jet engine (JATO) unit to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the road.
And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles - one of the few Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment.
Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his back yard.
One day, Larry had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across.
Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium.
He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground. Satisfied that it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun (figuring that he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend) and went back to the floating lawn chair. He prudently tied himself in, along with his pellet gun and provisions.
Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor, and in a few hours, come back down.
Things didn't quite work out that way.
When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 feet or so. Instead, he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon.
He didn't level off at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet. At that height, he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours.
Then he really got into trouble. He found himself drifting into the primary approach corridor of the Los Angeles International Airport.
A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport.
LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert, and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling, and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea, with the helicopter in hot pursuit.
Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue, but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared.
Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry, and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line, and was hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew.
As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why had done it.
Larry stopped, turned around, and nonchalantly replied, "A man can't just sit around."
Let's hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner!
THE 1998 DARWIN AWARD
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky (who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.
Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged
him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him.
(Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocketknife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, (did I mention he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectal cavity. To make matters worse (?), on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3-inches.
(The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety (now he thinks of the "S" word) by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence, landing on his friend and killing him.
Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100-feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked with scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 5-feet in the air.
Congratulations, gentlemen, you win...
Some observations about the way the world is:
- The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
- Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rates.
- The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- If "clothes maketh the man," then if follows that naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving to where you can't find them.
- The Law of Probability Dispersal decrees that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
- Indecision is the key to flexibility.
- There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- The facts, although interesting, are usually irrelevant.
- The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
- Things are more like they are today than they have ever been before.
- Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
- Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
- All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
- If you can smile when things go wrong, then you have someone in mind to blame.
- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
- This is as bad as it can get--but don't bet on it.
- The trouble with life is that you are halfway through it before you realize it's a "do it yourself" thing.
AND MORE SUCCINCT OBSERVATIONS...
- Drink varnish and you'll have a lovely finish.
- We can sympathize with a child who is afraid of the dark, but the tragedy of life is that most people are afraid of the light.
- If only the good die young, then what does that say about senior citizens?
- Employ teenagers--while they still know everything.
- The best antiques are old friends.
- Down with gravity!
- Nobody's perfect. And since I'm nobody......!
- People who eat natural foods die from natural causes.
- Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
- Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.
- Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, then it really doesn't matter.
- A friend in need may turn out to be a nuisance.
- When the cat's away, there are fewer hairs on the armchair.
- An expert is nothing more than an ordinary person away from home.
- If you can't be kind, be vague.
- Laugh alone, and the world thinks you're an idiot.
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car!
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.
- Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- Very funny, Scotty! Now beam down my clothes!
- Consciousness is that annoying time between naps.
- Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
A LETTER FROM THE SMITHSONIAN INSTITUTE
[The story behind this...There's apparently a guy who digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Here is a letter from the Smithsonian Institute regarding his most recent submission.]
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie."
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with
the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating
Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This
latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you
have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence
seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much
detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positing fillitration of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities
THE TOP 15 POTENTIAL PROBLEMS WITH CLONING HUMANS
15. Harder than ever to land a role in those new Wrigley's commercials featuring the Doublemint Octuplets.
14. Two words: Gilbert Gottfried(s)
13. Any scientific advancement that stems from the result of Scottish people doing strange things to sheep is bound to have dire consequences.
12. In mere weeks, Bill Gates (v1.0, v1.2, v2.0, v3.0, v3.1 & v5.0) has all the money on the entire planet.
11. Hillary's husband discovers true multiple orgasms.
10. If you think there are too many idiots shouting "Show me the money!" on every occasion now, just wait!
9. Rush Limbaugh takes his self-affection to a whole new level, and suddenly is IN FAVOR of same-sex marriages.
8. "Penn & Penn & Teller & Teller & Teller & Penn & Penn & Teller & Penn" much harder to fit on comedy club marquee.
7. And you think it's hard to find your size now!
6. 18-month waiting list for George Clooney and Cindy Crawford clones.
5. "Alternative" radio filled with even more Nirvana clones.
4. And the final score: The New York Gretzky's - 408, the Pittsburgh Lemieux's - 399.
3. Can no longer count on the Grim Reaper to get Jesse Helms out of office.
2. Those apocalyptic words: "Ladies & Gentlemen: The John Tesh Philharmonic Orchestra!"
and the Number 1 Potential Problem With Cloning Humans:
1. Seventeen Mark Fuhrman's, and suddenly OJ's defense doesn't seem quite as far-fetched.
SOME HELPFUL HINTS:
1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
2. If your computer says, "Printer out of paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.
4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
6. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #1," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.
8. When your PC says, "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.
9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French.
10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders...don't.
11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air.
A psychotic is the man who loves in it.
A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent.
The following true story is taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio, and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when somehow the motorcycle slipped in to gear. The man, still holding his handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door before the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, with the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street, to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported her husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, she obtained some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital, and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
His wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away, and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched, and the wife met them at the street.
The paramedics loaded her husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street, accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked her how the husband had burned himself. She told them, and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped her husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.
(Some days it just doesn't pay to crawl out of bed, does it??)