(all those jokes, platitudes, and stories that
just don't fit into any other category)
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop, nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled bandit shot him.
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judge ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that
table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense, "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
MURPHY'S LAWS FOR SURVIVAL
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people; they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"The Law of Motivation"
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
You always find something in the last place you look.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.
"Law of Drunkenness"
You can't fall off the floor.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Variables won't; constants aren't.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere
where the following people are stranded:
* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
* 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere....
The Italian men killed each other for the Italian woman.....
The 2 French men and the French woman are
living happily together in a "menage a trois"....
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of
when they alternate with the German woman
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other
and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them
The 2 English men are waiting for someone
to introduce them to the English woman
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean,
one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide
while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own
and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing,
and the taxes are low.
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside
and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture,
'cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut-whiskey,
but at least they know the English aren't getting any...
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.
The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo.
When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?!"
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
-- Steven Wright
So they found Adolf Hitler. That's the good news. The bad news is that they're going to try him in Los Angeles.
THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE
1. Wear a top hat.
2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."
6. Starting wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some Jujy Fruits for your asthma.
7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
8. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, " Watch out!"
9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girl's bathroom is flooding (especially effective if you're a guy).
11. Yell out what is going to happen.
12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea, and wink while smiling.
13. Wear a cape and when it's your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.
14. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.
15. Say that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friend already is.
16. Yell out loud, "Stop molesting me!"
Try to read this straight through quickly without mispronouncing any words -
It's long but it goes fast! Have Fun...
The Beauty of English
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!
Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) You have an inventive mind, and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) You are a pioneer type, and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) You have a wild imagination, and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
Taurus (April 23 - May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned Communist.
Gemini (May 23 - June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 23 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare, and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers, and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional, and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type, and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra's die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business, and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio's are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck, since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.
I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
-- Steven Wright
Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
- If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time. The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Please begin using this job code list immediately, and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter.
Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation:
5000 Surfing the Net
5001 Reading/Writing Social Email
5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004)
5003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail
5004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail
5005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on E-Mail
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker while Coworker Is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Is Not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates Me
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Time Sheet
5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Myself
5510 Feeling Bored
5600 Bitching about Lousy Job (see code #5610)
5601 Bitching about Low Pay (see code #5610)
5602 Bitching about Long Hours (see code #5610)
5603 Bitching about Coworker (see codes #5322, #5323)
5604 Bitching about Boss (see code #5610)
5605 Bitching about Personal Problems
5610 Searching for a New Job
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching
5701 Not Actually Present at Job
5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distant Personal Calls
6207 Planning a Social Event
6210 Feeling Sorry for Myself
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job
6223 Pretending I Like My Coworkers
6224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality They Are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6601 Running my Own Business on Company Time (see code #6603)
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring at Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.)
7400 Talking with Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking with Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking with Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking with Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking with House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking with Mistress/Boy Toy on Phone (also see code #7400)
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid Me in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night." Age 6
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41
I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 46
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52
I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 73
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch--holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should be Belted
5. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
6. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
9. Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over
10. British Left Waffles on Falkland Island
11. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
14. Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
16. Plant Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
17. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
18. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
19. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
21. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
23. War Dims Hope for Peace
24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last for a While
25. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
26. Deer Kill 17, 000
27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
28. Red Tape Hold Up New Bridges
29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
30. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
31. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
32. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
33. Kids Make Nutritious Snack
34. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Needy Family
35. Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
36. Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
37. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
39. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
A fifth grade teacher in Orange County, California, for a fun assignment, gave the students the beginning of a list of famous sayings, and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what the students submitted:
The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.
A rolling stone plays the guitar.
A bird in the hand is a real mess.
It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.
You have nothing to fear but homework.
If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.
Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.
A penny saved is nothing in the real world.
The squeaking wheel gets annoying.
We have nothing to fear but our principal.
I think, therefore I get a headache.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"
Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.
The ABSOLUTE worst things to say to a police officer:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
Bad Cop! No donut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee Officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.