(all those jokes, platitudes, and stories that
just don't fit into any other category)
NEW TITANIC SCREENPLAY
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: This forward contains anti-Titanic sentiments and may not be suitable for some of our thinner-skinned audience members.
Many of you have seen the film "Titanic," which is about a great big boat that sank like a thousand years ago that for some reason everyone is just now getting worked up about. Some of you - I am speaking to the women here - have seen this movie several times. And I would like to know why.
Have the principles of film-making not been adequately explained to you, so you think there's a chance the movie will end differently if you see it again? Do you think this is a "Choose Your Own Adventure" movie? Because it's not. No matter how many times you see it, the boat is going to sink, and the same people are going to die, including the guy who falls and whacks his noggin on the railing on the way down.
I think this movie is entirely too long. The actual sinking of the Titanic took only four hours; the movie is easily three times that long. (Note to reader: From the following choices, select the "this-movie-is-too-long" line you like best and go with it.):
-- Savings bonds have matured in less time than it takes to watch this movie.
-- Most Hollywood marriages do not last as long as this movie.
-- I had to shave twice during this movie.
-- Three Eastern European nations (Izikikstan, Checher, and Zknkkmnzxxk) were formed while I was watching this movie.
As a public service, then, I am offering my much-shortened screenplay which some ambitious film-maker can feel free to use as the script for a shorter version of "Titanic." All I want in return is a lot of money.
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCÉ: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know this priceless painting will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCÉ: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiancée's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiancée, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiancé.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the
cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiancé were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you have to take off your clothes.
KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened.
KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)
ICEBERG: (hits boat)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking!
KATE: That is terrible!
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?
WEASELLY FIANCÉ: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here!
(to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-somehow- less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCÉ: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway!
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCÉ: I hate you people.
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiancé and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, an I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoyingly overplayed Celine Dion song.)
The following were winners in a New York Magazine contest in which contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - can you drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FUCTO - Lost in the mail
IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys!
VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.
COGITO EGGO SUUM - I think, therefore I am a waffle.
RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead.
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scottish.
QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI - The king is dead - No kidding!
POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous.
PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown.
MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old.
FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat.
HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food.
VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort.
MAZEL TON - Tons of luck
APRES MOE LE DELUGE - Larry and Curly got wet.
PORTE-KOCHERE -Sacramental wine.
ICH LIEBE RICH - I'm really crazy about having dough.
FUI GENERIS -What's mine is mine.
VISA LA FRANCE -Don't leave your chateau without it.
CA VA SANS DIRT - And that's not gossip.
MERCI RIEN -Thanks for nothin!
AMICUS PURIAE -Platonic friend.
L'ETAT, C'EST MOO - I'm bossy around here.
COGITO, ERGO SPUD - I think, therefore I Yam.
John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station.
He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't--the girl with the rose.
His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin.
The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address.
She now lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II.
During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like.
When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York City.
"You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel."
So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen.
I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened:
A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive.
I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips, "Going my way, sailor?" she murmured.
Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell.
She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes.
The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own.
And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her.
This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful.
I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment.
"I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?"
The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile.
"I don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street.
"She said it was some kind of test!"
It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom. The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive. "Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you are."
(Note: This was a true story. Lieutenant John Blanchard married Miss Hollis Maynell, and they have remained together, deeply in love, ever since.)
An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers.
The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun.
As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air, and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he, too, never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada they have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
Bill Gates, Quasimodo and Snow White chance to meet on the Yellow Brick Road. Being the only ones around, introductions are in order. Bill goes first! "I'm Bill Gates ..... I'm the richest man in the whole wide world."
This, of course, raises a few eyebrows, but what the heck, it's in the Land of Oz.
Snow White speaks up next, saying "I'm Snow White. I'm the fairest maiden in all the land."
Bill nods approvingly. Quasimodo sort of drools.
Quasimodo, feeling a bit down over his claim to fame says, "Well, I'm Quasimodo, I'm the ugliest man on Earth. However," he adds, "maybe we should go see the Wizard of Oz and find out for sure. I'm not sure about this 'richest man' and 'fairest of all' bit.
Cordial people that they are, the trio skips down the Yellow Brick Road towards the shimmering vision of the City of Oz wayyyy off in the distance. .... Poppy fields, munckins, etc. etc.
Passing the usual fal-de-ral, they're ushered into the main chamber where the Wizard of Oz resides. (I don't need to explain this to anyone, do I?)
Gates goes first.
"OOOOOOOhhhhhh Ummmmmmm!" Fire and smoke and bellowing sound issues from behind the curtain. It stops. Bill Gates comes out with a cocky grin on his face and says, "Yup! I AM the richest man in the whole wide world!"
Snow White, lovely creature that she is and with cleavage that would make a young man's heart swoon with lust and desire, brushes past Bill Gates and enters the Wizard of Oz's chamber.
"OOOOOOOhhhhhh Ummmmmmm!" Fire and smoke and bellowing sound issues from behind the curtain. It stops. Snow White emerges, her mouth turned up as pretty as a picture. Beaming, she says, "I am. I AM! I'm the fairest maiden upon all the land."
Gate's and Snow White's eyes turn towards Quasimodo saying a silent 'next.'
"OOOOOOOhhhhhh Ummmmmmm!" Fire and smoke and bellowing sound issues from behind the curtain. "OOOOOOOhhhhhh Ummmmmmm!" followed by more fire and smoke and a couple of clashes of thunder which rocks the entire castle.
There's absolute silence with the merest hint of quiet echo within the hall.
Quasimodo comes from behind the curtain with a puzzled look on his face. His head shakes back and forth in disbelief .....
"Who's Janet Reno?" he asks.
"Have a nice day!"
"No thank you. I have other plans."
"You want to be buried or cremated?"
(A)bort (R)etry (I)nfluence with large hammer.
(c) Copywight Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
Always forgive your enemies. They hate that!
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!
Ambidextrose: able to put sugar in coffee with either hand.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
* Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
* Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
* Death to all fanatics!
* Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.
* Chastity is curable, if detected early.
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
And finally ...
* If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Daye
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
They who drink beer will think beer.
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
Results of a contest for "theories" sponsored by Omni magazine.
1. If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
2. Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so
they must yawn to even it out.
3. Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
4. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights
and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO . It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!
It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies, "Yes, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"