(Need we say more??)

     A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP," and then he would swerve back on to the road.
     One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn, and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
     "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
     "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck," the truck driver offered.
     The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck driver continued down the road.
     Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back on to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud 'THUD.'
     Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
     "That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

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The Top 16 Results of Having a Celebrity as President of the United States
 
16> Under President Fleiss's Executive Order No. 107, registered voters can screw any member of Congress for just $150.
 
15> Under President Pee Wee, "pocket veto" takes on an entirely new meaning.  
 
14> President Ringo and Yasar Arafat switch places at the Middle East Peace Summit, and no one notices. 
 
13> President Carrey's State of the Union address given by a  talking ass.   (Oops!  That's no difference!) 
 
12> President Woody Harrelson's agricultural support policies produce a side benefit of increased sales of Pink Floyd albums and Mallomars. 
 
11> For some reason, Ken Starr doesn't seem to mind that President Locklear is sleeping with half the town.
 
10> Mariah Carey's Stealth Voice Initiative puts more defense contractors out of work.  
 
9> President Jordan honors all the children in Nike's Asian shoe factories as "Honorary United States Welfare Recipients." 
 
8> President Copperfield solves three foreign relations nightmares at once by making the West Bank, Northern Ireland and the former Yugoslavia disappear into thin air.  
 
7> In addition to his regular duties, President Marv Albert also doubles as the First Lady. 
 
6> Even the sound of bubble gum popping causes the Secret Service to cover President Pam Anderson Lee with their bodies. 
 
5> Queen Elizabeth wakes up to find President Robert Downey, Jr. crashed out on the Royal Couch. 
 
4> President Travolta merges Scientology's Legal Department with the IRS to create the most evil malevolent force the universe has ever known. 
 
3> Although President Puff Daddy's acceptance speech is taken entirely from parts of previous acceptance speeches, people inexplicably seem to like it. 
 
2> Only minor changes under President Gomez Addams, but a *whole* lot of fun whenever the French Ambassador's wife speaks. 
 
and the Number 1 Result of Having a Celebrity as President...
 
1> Come to think of it, you don't remember an "Anti-" in President Sheen's drug program.

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Did you know that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom?  That's because it represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.

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"Proper Name"

     At a government affair, the wives of four world leaders are chatting about how people refer to a penis in their countries.
     The wife of Tony Blair says that in England, people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
     The wife of Boris Yeltsin says that in Russia, you call it a Patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
     The wife of Chirac says that in France, you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the first act.
     With great resignation, the wife of Clinton says that in the USA, you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

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Dr. Seuss on Affair Lewinsky

Mr. Kenneth Starr:

I am Starr. Starr-I-are.
I'm a brilliant barri-star.
I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see,
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?
Did you grope her, in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
Were you spied by prying eyes?

President Clinton:

I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not join -- even for fun,
The 'Mile High Club' in Air Force One,
So stow your feathers and your tar,
I did not do her, Starr-you-are!

Mr Starr:

Did you smile?
Did you Flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie,
When called upon to testify?

President Clinton:

That is it, you've gone too far!
I do not like you Starr-you-are!
I will not answer any more!
In fact, I think I'll start a war!
The public's easy to distract,
When bombs are falling on Iraq!

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Sing to the tune "Summer Lovin' " from the musical "Grease"

Bill:         Summer intern, had me a blast
Monica:       White house intern, happened so fast
Bill:         Met a girl, crazy for me
Monica:       Met the prez, down on my knees
Bill:    Summer days, sucking away, oh, i, but those summer nights

Investigation Committee:
Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh
Tell us more, tell us more
Linda Trip:   Try to remember your best

Investigation Committee:
Tell us more, tell us more
Kenneth Star: Did he come on your dress?

Bill:         Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp
Monica:       The prez is sexy - he makes my panties damp
Bill:         She gave me head, right in the White House
Monica:       I said OK, just don't come in my mouth:
Bill:       Summer sun, Hillary's much less fun,
But, uh, oh those summer nights!

Investigation Committee:
Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh
Tell us more, tell us more
Linda Trip:   He sounds like a swell guy

Investigation Committee:
Tell us more, tell us more
Kenneth Star: Did he tell you to lie?

Bill:         Press found out, it turned into a mess
Monica:       He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress
Bill:         She promised to lie, she made a vow
Monica:       Wonder who is servicing him now

Bill & Monica: Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams
But.........oh, Those White House Nights !!

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     Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.  Bill looks at Al, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
     Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
     Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
     Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them, and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

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     Three lawyers were waiting for the subway, standing in line to buy three tickets. They saw three accountants with whom they shared a client. They noticed the accountants purchased only one ticket, so one of the lawyers asked, "How will all three of you ride the subway with only one ticket?"
     "Watch and learn," replied one of the accountants.
     After they boarded, all three of the accountants packed into the bathroom.  The conductor came through, knocked on the door and said, "TICKET PLEASE." The bathroom door cracked open only a bit, one hand reached out with a ticket. The conductor took the ticket and moved on.
     The accountants emerged from the bathroom laughing and exchanging high five's.  On the return trip the Lawyers said, "We're smarter than those accountants. If they can do then it we can do it."
     The lawyers purchased one ticket. The accountants, behind them in line, bought no tickets. "How will you ride the subway with NO tickets this time?" one of the lawyers asked.
     "Watch and learn," replied one of the accountants.
     As the conductor made his way toward their car, the lawyers all piled into the bathroom. Then before the conductor got there, one of the accountants knocked on the bathroom door and in a disguised voice said, "Ticket please."

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CONGRESS PASSES "AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES" ACT

WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the "Americans With No Abilities" Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans.

The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of US citizens who lack any real skills or uses.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, filling in mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of non-abled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."

Under the "Americans With No Abilities" Act, more than 25 million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for non-abled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability.  Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.

The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire non-abled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented new hires.

Finally, the "Americans With No Abilities" Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the non-abled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"

"As a non-abled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Elaine Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Cleveland tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me."

With the passage of the "Americans With No Abilities" Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented, nonessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

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Spielberg and Clinton To Collaborate
  
During his stay in the Hamptons, President Clinton was invited to stay at the Georgica Pond Estate of Steven Spielberg. It has been learned from inside sources close to the president, that after all of the parties were over, Bill and Steve retired to the library and discussed some possible remakes of films to reflect modern times.

Our sources have indicated that the following titles will be remade during the remainder of Clinton's presidency, with his full support and backing:

* Close Encounters for the 3rd Time
  - Starring Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, and Monica Lewinsky

* Ken Starr - His Last Crusade

* Raiders of the Lost Panties

* A Dress the "Color Purple" (with a stain)

* E.T.  - Extra Testosterone

* JAWS  V  - On to Whitewater

* JAWS  VI - This Time No Teeth

* Paula Jones and The Trailer Trash of Doom

and a few non Spielberg films will be re-made as well:

* Dial "M" for Monica

* Free Willy Part III - The White House Years

* Interns of Endearment

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     Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.  Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.  The owner became quite concerned.  He marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
     The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.

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     A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
     The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
     However he suggested an alternative.  He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
     That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain +to remark: "That's Strange!"

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TRUE POLICE STORIES?

     A woman got pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball."
     He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls."
     There followed a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he had said.  He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

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     A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar, and photographed his car.  He later received in the mail a ticket for $40.00, and a photo of his car.  Instead of the payment, he sent the police department a photograph of two $20.00 bills.  Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture, of a pair of handcuffs.

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True Story from Orange County

     A man goes to a party and has too much to drink.  His friends plead with him to let them take him home.  He says no, since he only lives a mile away.
     About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving, and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.  Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back, and they run down the street to the robbery.
     The guy waits, and waits, and finally decides to drive home.   When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
     A few hours later the police knock on his door.  They ask if Mr. X lives there, and the wife says yes.  They ask to see him, and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day.
     The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car, and she asks why.  They insist on seeing the car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door...
     Where they find the police car, lights still flashing!

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Speeding Ticket

     A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear-view mirror.  He thinks, "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on.
     The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70,  80, 90 miles an hour.  Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures, "What the heck," and gives up.  He pulls over to the curb.
     The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.  He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse, and I'll let you go."
     The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer.  When I saw your cruiser in my rear-view mirror, I thought it was him coming after me to give her back to me!"
     The officer let him go.

 

 


 

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