(Need we say more??)

     A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida, lasting all night and most of the next morning. As the sky cleared and the seas calmed,
the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore, in shark-infested waters.
     Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able-bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.
     The doctor says, "Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer, but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty bad shape, and I am needed here to care for them."
     The priest replies, "I would volunteer to go also, but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights."
     The lawyer says "No problem." He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark-infested water. There is a great turbulence in the water, and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach, allowing the lawyer to swim between them.
     "My God!" says the priest. "It is a miracle!"
     The doctor, looking at the lawyer swimming to shore, says, "No, Father.  It is not a miracle. It's professional courtesy!"

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     An elderly patient needed a heart transplant, and discussed his options with his doctor.
     The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use.  One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident.  The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked, and who died in his private plane.  The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years."
     "I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.
     After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.
     "It was easy," the patient replied.  "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

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     A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.  Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments, and asking the doctor for free medical advice.  After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
     "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
     The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.  The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, he prepared the bills.  When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
     A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
     To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
     Stick his bill up his ass.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
     Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
     There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
     A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
     If one side has one, the other has to get one.  Once launched, they cannot be recalled.  When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
     One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
     They had pictures of lawyers on them...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed:
     A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
     Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
     Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
     Chelsea.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
     It might be your bicycle.

It was so cold last winter...  (How cold WAS it??)
     ...that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his OWN pockets!

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     A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
     "$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer.
     "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
     "Yes," the lawyer replied.  "And what was your third question?"

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     A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time, and robbing banks in Texas.   Finally a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
     After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest.  Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
     But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
     Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon, and translated the Ranger's message.  The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
     "What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
     The lawyer answered, "He said, 'Get lost, gringo!  You wouldn't dare shoot me!' "

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     For years, a young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn.  The last time, he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.  There sat his lover, with an infant on her lap!
     "Helen, why didn't you write me when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
     "Well, she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

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You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer.  You have a gun with two bullets.  What should you do?
     Shoot the lawyer.  Twice.

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SIMPLIFIED FORM 1040
DEPARTMENT OF THE TREASURY--
INFERNAL REVENUE DEPARTMENT

U.S. Individual Income Tax                 [year] Return

YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER           /           /          

PART 1.  INCOME

1.  HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU MAKE LAST YEAR?   -------->     $                   .     
2.  SEND IT IN.   ------------------------------------------------------------------>     $                   .     

3.  If you have any questions or comments, please write them in the space provided below.

-------->  _______  <--------

SIGN HERE  X__________________________________________________

Infernal Revenue Form.   Bastardization is not Authorized.  Please, #2 crayons only.

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THE TOP TEN THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A JUDGE...

10.  Any chance of you getting me off...?
  9.  Gosh, your chambers sure do look different with the lights on.
  8.  So does this mean I don't get my dope back?
  7.  How about a good spanking in lieu of community service?
  6.  But Your Honor, I simply couldn't help it.  I always speed when I've been drinking.
  5.  Ito Ito bonito bonana fana bo bito...fe fi fo fito...
  4.  But my point is, she's over 18 NOW, isn't she?
  3.  That's him, Your Honor!  That's the policeman who took my stash!
  2.  I got your Penal Code right here!
  1.  No, no, no, Judge Renquist.  Today you're supposed to be wearing the robe WITHOUT the hood!

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MICKEY'S DIVORCE

     The judge was talking to Mickey from the Bench.   "Mister Mouse, I have listened to all the evidence, but I cannot agree with you that Ms. Minnie Mouse is CRAZY.  I cannot grant you a divorce on those grounds."
     "CRAZY?" protested Mickey.  "I didn't say she was CRAZY! I said she was fucking Goofy!"

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What's the difference between a dead raccoon in the road, and a dead lawyer?
     There are skid marks in front of the raccoon.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
     Their personalities.

Do you know the difference between lawyers and roosters?
     A rooster is always CLUCKING DEFIANCE (not fucking the clients).

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     Two attorneys were sitting on a park bench.  A really beautiful woman walked by.
     The first lawyer's eyes followed her, and he said to his companion, "Boy, I'd like to screw that!!"
     The second lawyer looked at the young woman for a minute, then asked the other guy, "Outta what?"

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The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.
- John Maynard Keynes

I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.
-  Edith Sitwell

I just filled out my income tax forms.  Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
- Milton Berle

The word 'syntax' scares my son.  How can he pay the tax when he can't even afford to put gas in his car?
- Milton Berle

The one thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax.
- Thomas Robert Dewar

The art of taxation consists of so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing.
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert

At the beginning of the empire, the tax rates were low and the revenues were high.   At the end of the empire, the tax rates were high and the revenues were low.
Mr. Khaldun  1332 - 1400

I don't want to complain, but every time they build a tax structure, the first thing they nail is me!!!!
- Anonymous

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INTERACTIVE TAXES

Hello!  Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program.  Do you feel like doing your taxes today?

I see.  Well, don't you think you should do them anyway?  After all, it is April 6.  You have less than 10 days to file.  And who knows?  Maybe you'll get a refund.

That's the spirit!  Let's begin with your name, address, and marital status.

Sorry to hear about the divorce.  But don't let it get you down--that alimony deduction will come in mighty handy in these tough financial times!

Please don't cry.  The economy's bound to bounce back.  In the meantime, let's talk about dependents.  Do you have any children?

Wow!  I hope they're not all in college.  Do you have any other dependents?

Sorry.  You can't deduct your dog, even if she is your only friend.

I agree.  The IRS is unreasonable.  But let's move on to income.  What were your wages last year?

You are having a bad go of it, aren't you?  But at least you're getting the Unemployment Benefits maximum.

I'm afraid Unemployment Benefits are taxable.  The government giveth and the government taketh away.  Hey, don't blame me.  I'm just the messenger.   Anyway, did you have any interest or dividend income or capital gains?

Your spouse got everything, huh?  Well, look on the bright side.  If you didn't earn it, they can't make you pay taxes on it.

Please don't exit.  It was just a joke.  I don't suppose you were able to sock anything away into an IRA?  I didn't mean to insult you; I'm just doing my job.   They make me ask about IRA's and Keogh Plans, too.

Okay, okay.  I get the point.  You're broke.  So let's go over your deductions and see about getting you a healthy refund.  And speaking about health, I need a complete list of your non-reimbursed medical expenses.

That's great--a fractured sacroiliac.  And your income was so low that most of it will be deductible!  Let's move on to your State income taxes and real estate taxes.

Boy, those state taxes can really take a bite, eh?  But that huge mortgage tax deduction should really increase your refund.  What?  You had to sell the house to pay for the divorce?  What a shame.  But I thought you said you didn't have any capital gains.

You sold it at a loss?  Really?  So tell me--do you think housing is going to drop any further?  One of my other users is looking to buy.

You're absolutely right.  That was a selfish and thoughtless thing to say.  I'm a new program, and I guess they haven't gotten all the bugs out.

Let's go back to your deductions.  What did you pay in mortgage interest?

I'm afraid deducting credit card interest is a major no-no nowadays.  But you may want to consider our Interactive Bankruptcy Software.

Hey, now!  Don't get your nose out of joint.  It was just a suggestion.   Anyway, it's time to list your charitable contributions.  I know you can't afford them, but list a couple hundred in cash anyway.  Everybody does it, and it's impossible to check.

Good.  Now I'm almost afraid to ask, but did you suffer any unreimbursed casualty or theft losses last year?

That's pretty much what I expected.  Just give me the numbers and I'll take it from there.

Is there anything else you want to tell me?

I'm sorry, I don't really have time to listen about your divorce anymore.   What I meant was, did you have any other income or expenses?  Fine.  Now why don't you rest for a second, so I can do some quick calculations.

I have good news.  You're entitled to a $157 refund. Would you like to apply it to your 1997 tax?

I beg your pardon.  They don't pay me enough to listen to that kind of language!

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"If you don't help yourself, the only helping hand you'll get is when they lower the box."
- Paul Newman in "HUD"

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     A farmer was working in his field when a spaceship suddenly descended nearby, and a tall silvery alien stepped out and looked around his farm.  Then the alien approached him and raised a hand in greeting.  "Would you be willing to sell me all your cows?" he asked the stunned farmer.
     The farmer certainly didn't want to sell all his cows, so he said no.  The alien smiled, and offered, "I'll give you a million dollars."
     Well, the farmer couldn't turn that down!  So he said, "Sure, I'll sell my cows for a million dollars!"
     The alien went back into his ship, and came back a moment later with a fresh stack of money...and a tiny 2" tall cow.  He gave the money to the farmer, and set his tiny 2" cow down in the cow pasture.  The tiny cow darted all around the field, and within a few seconds, it had gobbled up all the farmer's bigger cows.
     The farmer stared in disbelief as the alien picked up his little 2" cow, tucked it inside his flightsuit, and went back into his spaceship.
     A moment later, the alien came back out.  "Would you like to sell your sheep?" he asked the farmer.
     The farmer wasn't too eager to sell all his sheep, but the alien said, "I'll give you another million dollars for them."
     Well, the farmer couldn't pass that up.  So he said, "Sure, I'll sell my sheep for a million dollars!"
     The alien went back into his ship, and returned a moment later with another stack of fresh, crisp money...and a tiny 2" tall sheep.  He gave the farmer the money, then walked over to the sheep pens and set his tiny 2" sheep inside.  The little sheep ran around the pen, and within a few moments he'd gobbled up all the bigger sheep.
     The alien picked up his tiny 2" tall sheep, tucked it inside his flightsuit, and headed back to his spaceship.
     As he stepped up onto the ramp, the farmer suddenly smiled.   "Hey, mister," he exclaimed, "how you like to earn back your two million dollars?"
     The alien turned around.  "How can I do that?" he asked.
     The farmer rubbed his hands together with glee.  "You got any little 2" LAWYERS in there.....?"

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     One morning President Clinton was jogging, but he'd asked his Secret Service men to lag behind a bit so that he could get a little peace and quiet.   When he reached the Washington Monument, he stopped and looked up at it.
     On a whim, he started talking to the monument.   "President Washington," he said, "you were a truly wonderful man.   The Father of our great nation, and a courageous leader.  I wish that you could talk, and tell me how I can lead the country better today."
     Suddenly a deep voice boomed out, "Protect the military!"
     Well, Bill was a little startled by that!  But the advice was too good to ignore, wherever it had come from.  "Protect the military," he repeated to himself.  "All right, I can do that."
     He kept on jogging, and after a while he reached the Jefferson Memorial.  Again--just in case this was really his lucky day--he started talking to the grand monument.  "President Jefferson," he said, "you were a marvel.  You helped establish our country's democratic laws.  Without you, we would surely have sunk into anarchy and been destroyed.  I wish that you were still alive, so that I could ask your advice."
     Suddenly a deep voice boomed out, "Protect the Constitution!"
     Bill's eyes popped open.  There was no denying it, he was definitely in touch with something special today!  "Protect the military, protect the Constitution," he echoed.  "Yeah, I can do that."
     A little further on was Abraham Lincoln's huge, dignified statue.   As Bill stopped and looked up at it, he felt very small and humble.   "President Lincoln," he said, "you must truly have been the greatest president ever.  You kept our country from being split apart in a disastrous civil war, you ended slavery and paved a new road for black and white men alike to live in peace, you were an inspiration to the entire world!  What advice can you give me, so that I can do my country the greatest good of all?"
     And a deep, solemn voice boomed out, "Go to the theatre........"

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TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP

10.  Back off, Barney, I've got a piece!
  9.  Wanta race to the station, Sparky?
  8.  I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
  7.  On the way to the station, let's get a twelve-pack.
  6.  You'll never get those cuffs on me...you pussy!
  5.  Come on, write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes.
  4.  Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
  3.  How long is this going to take?  Your wife is expecting me.
  2.  Hey, officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
  1.  I'm surprised you stopped me--Dunk'n Donuts has a 3 for 1 special going on right now!

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     Three lawyers were waiting for the subway, standing in line to buy three tickets. They saw three accountants with whom they shared a client. They noticed the accountants purchased only one ticket, so one of the lawyers asked, "How will all three of you ride the subway with only one ticket?"
     "Watch and learn," replied one of the accountants.
     After they boarded, all three of the accountants packed into the bathroom.
     The conductor came through, knocked on the door and said, "TICKET PLEASE."
     The bathroom door cracked open only a bit, one hand reached out with a ticket. The conductor took the ticket and moved on.
     The accountants emerged from the bathroom laughing and exchanging high 5's.
     On the return trip, the lawyers said, "We're smarter than those accountants.  If they can do then it we can do it."
     The lawyers purchased one ticket. The accountants, behind them in line, bought no tickets. "How will you ride the subway with NO tickets this time?" one of the lawyers asked.
     "Watch and learn," replied one of the accountants.
     As the conductor made his way toward their car, the lawyers all piled into the bathroom. Then before the conductor got there, one of the accountants knocked on the bathroom door and in a disguised voice said, "Ticket please!"

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A COLLECTION OF 'TRANSQUIPS'

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air.  But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.  Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Report, has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - "Humor in the Court (1977) and "More Humor in the Court," published recently.  From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of the transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:

Q.  What is your brother-in-law's name?
A.  Borofkin.
Q.  What's his first name?
A.  I can't remember.
Q.  He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A.  No.  I tell you I'm too excited.  (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.)  Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A.  I refuse to answer that question.
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A.  I refuse to answer that question.
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A.  No.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A.  By death.
Q.  And by whose death was it terminated?

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A.  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  What is your name?
A.  Ernestine McDowell.
Q.  And what is your marital status?
A.  Fair.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  Are you married?
A.  No, I'm divorced.
Q.  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A.  A lot of things I didn't know about.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  And who is this person you are speaking of?
A.  My ex-widow said it.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A.  Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A.  I will be three months November 8th.
Q.  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A.  Yes.
Q.  What were you and your husband doing at that time?

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A.  I should be.
Q.  How many times have you committed suicide?
A.  Four times.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A.  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A.  Yes, sir.
Q.  Before or after he died?

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A.  Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  What happened then?
A.  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q.  Did he kill you?
A.  No.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A.  No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.

                                                      * * * * *

The Court:  Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  When he went, had you gone, and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
A.  Mr. Brooks:  Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.  Okay?  What school do you go to?
A.  Oral.
Q.  How old are you?
A.  Oral.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A.  She is my daughter.
Q.  Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  ...and what did he do then?
A.  He came home, and the next morning he was dead.
Q.  So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A.  He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A.  I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q.  It was covered?
A.  Yes, bandaged.
Q.  Then, later on, what did you see?
A.  I had a skin graft.  My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  Could you see him from where you were standing?
A.  I could see his head.
Q.  And where was his head?
A.  Just above his shoulders.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A.  Oh, she will tell the truth.  She said she'd kill that sonofabitch--and she did!

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  Do you drink when you're on duty?
A.  I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A.  The victim lived.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  Are you sexually active?
A.  No, I just lie there.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A.  Yes, I have been since early childhood.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it?  You, too, were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir.  I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A.  It indicates intercourse.
Q.  Male sperm?
A.  That's the only kind I know.

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  (Showing man picture.)  That's you?
A.  Yes, sir.
Q.  And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

                                                      * * * * *

Q.  Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

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     A defending attorney was cross-examining a coroner.  The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?"
     The coroner said, "No."
     The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heartbeat?"
     "No," the coroner replied.
     "Did you check for breathing?" the attorney pursued.
     "No," the coroner answered.
     "So when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" the attorney challenged.
     The coroner, now tired of the browbeating, retorted, "Well, let me put it this way.  The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere!"

 

 

 


 

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