(they say the darndest things sometimes, don't they?)

Questions About Love, Marriage, Etc., Were Posed To Kids Ages 5 - 10.
Their Answers Below Are Enlightening:

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??
    "Eighty-four!  Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other."  (Judy, 8)
     "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!"  (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
     "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."  (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
     "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."  (Jim, 10)
     "Never kiss in front of other people.  It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you.  But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."  (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE:  IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
     "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.   Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"  (Lynette, 9)
     "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff.  I'm just a kid.  I don't need that kind of trouble."  (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
     "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell.  That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."   (Jan, 9)
     "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."  (Harlan, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
     "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."  (Roger, 9)
     "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it.  It takes too long."  (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
     "If you want to be loved by someone who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."  (Jeanne, 8)
     "It isn't always just how you look.  Look at me.   I'm handsome like anything, and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."   (Gary, 7)
     "Beauty is skin deep.  But how rich you are can last a long time."  (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
     "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."  (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
     "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television.  (Anita, 6)
     "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it.   I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."  (Bobby, 8)
     "I'm not rushing into being in love.  I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."  (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
     "One of you should know how to write a check.  Because, even if you have tons of love, there are still going to be a lot of bills."   (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
     "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."   (Del, 6)
     "Don't do things like have smelly green sneakers.  You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."  (Alonzo, 9)
     "One way is to take the girl out to eat.  Make sure it's something she likes to eat.  French fries usually works for me."   (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF 2 ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
     "See if the man picks up the check.  That's how you can tell if he's in love."  (John, 9)
     "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold.  Other people care more about the  food."  (Brad, 8)
     "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.  They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire."  (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU."
     "The person is thinking:  Yea, I really do love him.   But I hope he showers at least once a day."  (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:
     "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."  (Doug, 7)
     "It might help to watch soap operas all day.  (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
     "It's never okay to kiss a boy.  They always slobber all over you.  That's why I stopped doing it.  (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE LAST
     "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."  (Tom, 7)
     "Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love."  (Roger, 8)
     "Be a good kisser.  It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."  (Randy, 8)

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     Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
     "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother replied.
     The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

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Little Johnny Strikes Again

     A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
     After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
     The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
     "No, ma'am," he replied.  "But I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

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TODDLER'S PROPERTY LAW

(1) If I like it, it's mine.
(2) If it's in my hand, it's mine.
(3) If I can take it from you, it's mine.
(4) If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
(5) If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
(6) If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.
(7) If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
(8) If I think it's mine, it's mine.
(9) If it could possibly be mine, it's mine.

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Newspaper Contest for Kids 4-15: "Saturday Night Live"

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate Saturday Night Live's "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

     I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15

     Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13

     It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8

     Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. --Age 10

     Home is where the house is. --Age 6

     I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. --Age 13

     I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. --Age 15

     For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6

     My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10

     I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear besides me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.  I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder.
     We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. --Age 15

     When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5

     I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11

     I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13

     I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --Ben, Age 14

     As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7

     Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.  That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15

     It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5

     Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies.  Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6

     The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15

     Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15

     If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15

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     An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid sitting nearby turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."
     The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy had done the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today."

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     Little 10 year old Johnny goes for a long weekend with his uncle, a wealthy Hampshire farm owner. One evening, as Uncle Fred and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Johnny, who shouts out, "Uncle Fred! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!"
     Uncle Fred, highly embarrassed, takes young Johnny aside, and explains that a certain amount of decorum is required. "You should have said, 'the bull is surprising the cow' - not some filth picked up in the playground," he says.
     A few days later, Johnny comes in again as his aunt and uncle are entertaining. "Uncle Fred! The bull is surprising the cows!"
     The adults share a knowing grin.  Uncle Fred says, "Thank you Johnny, but surely you meant to say "the cow, not cows."  A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time, you know."
     "Oh yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "he's fucking the horse!"

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     Little Johnny is late to class one day, and the teacher asks him where he has been. He replies, "I've been down by the creek sticking cherry bombs up frogs asses."
     "You mean rectum," corrects the teacher.
     "Yeah!" says Little Johnny,  "Wrecked 'em all right, it blew 'em into little pieces!!"

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     A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
     Mom said, "No, because the dog is in heat."
     "What's that mean?" asked the child.
     "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage," her mother replied.
     The little girl went to the garage and said, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you."
     Dad said, "Bring Susie over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear with it, then said, "Ok, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."
    The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said, "Where's Susie?"
     The little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."

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ANSWERS GIVEN ON A BIBLE KNOWLEDGE TEST:

-  Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.
-  Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
-  Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
-  The seventh commandment is "thou shalt not admit adultery."
-  Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
-  Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
-  The people who followed Jesus were called Decibels.
-  The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
-  One of the opossums was St. Matthew.
-  Salome danced in seven veils in front of King Herrod.
-  Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
-  David fought the Finkelsteins, which is a race of people who lived in Bible times.
-  The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic Genitals.
-  A Christian should have only one wife; this is called monotony.

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THE DRAWING GAME

Mrs. Smith, a third grade teacher, wanted the class to play a game where one pupil starts drawing on the board, then one by one, other pupils add to it.  She thought, and decided not to start with Johnny, because he was so naughty and always had some "unusual" picture in mind.  So she started with Jane, who drew on the chalkboard.

Jane: "This is a house."

/\
/     \
/         \
/             \
|              |
|              |
|              |
|              |

The teacher: "Good, Jane!" and asks Peter to draw next:
Peter: "This is the front door to the house."

/\
/     \
/         \
/             \
|               |
|      __     |
|      |   |    |
|      |_ |    |

The teacher: "Very good, Peter," and calls Mary:
Mary: "This is snow on the roof of the house."

/\
/UU\
/         \
/             \
|               |
|      __     |
|      |   |    |
|      |_ |    |

The teacher: "Very nice, Mary" and calls on Stevie:
Stevie: "And this is the sun over the house."

\|/
> O <
/|\
/\
/UU\
/         \
/             \
|               |
|      __     |
|      |   |    |
|      |_ |    |

The teacher: "Very nice, Stevie" and thinks, there is
not much damage that Johnny can do with this picture
so she asks Johnny to come to the board.

Johnny: "And this is my dad, trying to pick up the
soap when he dropped it in the shower."

____      _____
/          \/            \
|           \|/            |
|        > O <         |
|           /|\            |
|            /\             |
|          /UU\          |
|        /         \         |
|      /             \       |
|      |              |       |
|      |     __     |       |
___|      |    |    |    |       |___
|______|    |__|    |______| 

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Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great.  I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.   With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on

The Reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.  Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

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IRS LETTER

* Editor's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it a good tax story.  This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits. We believe the letter speaks for itself.

Dear Sirs:
     I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you.  I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil & expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!
     The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.  Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense.  While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.
     Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on the problem.
     Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT?
     Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight.  I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal.  Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
     Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.  She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses.  Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news!  You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying!
     It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/ reggae/ yuppie/ political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
     You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.
     Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down-payment on an airplane.
     Yours Truly, Bob

Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date:
"Rats, they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions."

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     A little boy wanted $100.00 badly, and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened.  Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.  When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.  The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.  President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
     The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
                                     Dear God,
                                     Thank you very much for sending the money.
                              However, I noticed that for some reason you had to
                              send it through Washington D.C and, as usual, those
                              bastards deducted $95.00.

 

 

 


 

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