(for the wee bit o' leprechaun in all of us!)
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. As he wandered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. When they came to the source of the noise, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with.
Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's thank him for the
education!" Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.
Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt, and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow.
After several moments passed, he said, "I donna know where y'been, lad...but it's nice ta'see y'won first prize!"
An Irishman named O'Leary, who loved to sing as he worked, bought a mule to farm his garden. The mule worked well, but was almost totally deaf. So, when his owner yelled, "Whoa!" the animal often continued plowing.
Asked how the mule was working out, O'Leary shook his head. "There was a time," he said, "when all the neighbors could hear was me singing my lilting melodies. Lately, I'm afraid, they've heard nothing but ... my riled Irish whoa's!"
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?"
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi decided to satisfy his own curiosity. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
A man who lived in the South had tried for years to persuade his elderly father to visit him. Unfortunately, the father was from the old country, but now was living in the northeastern part of the United States. He had a great fear of flying, and staunchly refused to have any part of it. The son finally convinced him that he should take the train and travel south to see him and visit with his family.
Anxiously the son waited at the train station for the arrival of his father's train at the appointed time. As his father departed the train to hugs and friendly greetings, his son said to him "Well, Poppa, how was your train ride?"
His father shook his head and said "Oh, America, she's a beautiful country. I'ma ridin' along justa enjoyin' da countryside and I tinka I lika to have me a smoke........so I taka outa me pipe anda just asa I'ma gonna light up, along comes da conductor and he's a sayin' to you Poppa 'No smokin in da passenger car!'
"So I taka me to da smokin car and smoka me pipe ....... me tinka me lika to hava a drink......so, I taka out me flask and justa as I'ma gonna taka a sip, along comes that conductor and he tells you Poppa 'No drinkin in da smokin car!'
"So I taka me pipe anda flask and goes to da drinkin car. I'ma sittina dere and a perty girl coma and sitta by you Poppa, her name Virginia. She sitta close to you Poppa and I patta her on de knee and she lika dat....... she sitta closer and I patta her on the tigh......she really lika dat a lot! We justa huggin and akissin and along came date conductor again and he saysa 'No hanky panky in da drinkin car!'
"So, you Poppa aska Virginia if she wanna go backa to me lil sleepin car and she say 'Sure!' We go to me lil sleepin car and we's justa huggin and akissin.................and along came data damned conductor and he's a shoutin "NO FOLK VIRGINIA!!!!!!!!!"
Calling Room Service
The transcript to a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia. It was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Hotel Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: "Rye...Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to oder sunteen??"
Hotel Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Hotel Guest: "What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?..pry, boy, pooch?"
Hotel Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
Hotel Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An San tos?"
Hotel Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "San tos. July San tos?"
Hotel Guest: "I don't think so."
Room Service: "No? Judo one toes??"
Hotel Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one
Room Service: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping
Hotel Guest: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
Room Service: "We bother?"
Hotel Guest: "No, just put the bother on the side."
Room Service: "Wad?"
Hotel Guest: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
Room Service: "Copy?"
Hotel Guest: "Sorry?"
Room Service: "Copy...tea...mill?"
Hotel Guest: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
Room Service: "One Minnie. As ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy...rye??"
Hotel Guest: "Whatever you say."
Room Service: "Tendjewberrymud."
Hotel Guest: "You're welcome."
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat. One says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor, and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige. He wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap
The Mother Superior is the first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Dublin, Ireland. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him, to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly, he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and *talk* to me."
He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.
They got to talking, and she invited him back to her apartment, which was a ways down the beach. They started messing around. It got so hot and heavy that he was exhausted afterwards, and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up, and exclaimed, "Oh, no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment, and up the stairs. But he was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.
The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"