(never out of season)

101 Things To Do With Easter Eggs

01)  Two Words:  Food Fight!
02)  Recreate the Mona Lisa with colored pencils.
03)  Glue a rubber band to them and pretend they're koosh balls.
04)  Use them as emergency earmuffs.  Fashionable.
05)  Ammunition stock piles for Halloween.
06)  Make Easter Egg McMuffins for unsuspecting relatives.
07)  Make paperweights and doorstops.
08)  Make decorations for your aquarium.
09)  Go for Cool Hand Luke's 50-egg record.
10)  Toast them over campfires.
11)   Keep in glove compartment to lob at tailgaters.
12)  Make great shoe-trees.
13)  Plant new chickens.
14)  Use for trail markers on hikes.
15)  Send to Col. Sanders for recycling.
16)  Bolt them to your shoe soles:  roller skates!
17)  Packaging for new cologne:  Eau d' Easter Bunny Wabbit.
18)  Practice your putting game around the kitchen.
19)  Leave as land-mines on your neighbor's lawn.
20)  Load into a sweatsock and give yourself the neck massage of a lifetime!
21)  Make into egg sculptures and send to Martha Stewart.
22)  Let them roam free on the range like a pack of wild horses!
23)  Pass them out to proud new fathers in delivery rooms.
24)  String together for Christmas tree ornaments.
25)  Put into cryogenic freeze (in case Walt Disney wakes up hungry),
26)  Make into piggy banks for the kids.
27)  Teach your dog how to fetch.
28)  Insist they are from Mars - leave for worldwide book tour.
29)  Send them to ROSIE in exchange for kooshballs!
30)  Tell the doctor you just laid it and ask if this is normal.
31)  Make Easter Egg salad sandwiches!
32)  Save them until Halloween and give them away to Trick-or-Treater's.
33)  Two Words:  Shell Collage.
34)  Put them in a bucket, over your front door, as a security system.
35)  Leave them in strategic places in your house--to clean when they smell in July!
36)  Dye them bright red and use them for clown noses.
37)  Put under leg to keep table balanced.
38)  Can you say, "egg pizza"?
39)  Throw them at your audience if they don't laugh at your jokes.
40)  Make them disappear.
41)  Balance them on your nose.
42)  Hide your jewelry in them.
43)  Twist them to look like dogs (oops, that's for balloons.)
44)  Hide them in your pockets.
45)  See how many you can fit in your mouth (up to 30).
46)  Use them for relay races...and forget to boil them.
47)  Put them on chairs instead of whoopee cushions (raw for more fun).
48)  Make them appear in your dove pan.
49)  Hide them up your sleeve.
50)  Use one to replace the ball in your trackball.
51)  Put them in the blender.  Of course it's gross.  But you could DO it if you wanted to.
52)  Use toothpicks to fasten them together into Easter snow people!
53)  Shove them into your cheeks to impersonate a chipmunk.
54)  Put one on your car antenna.
55)  Fore!  Use them as golf balls!
56)  Softball anyone?
57)  Let your kids play a game pushing them with their nose!
58)  Use them in lieu of Styrofoam peanuts in your next package.
59)  Sprinkle a little salt on top, crack open a beer, and enjoy!
60)  Bury them in someone's paint can and let them idle...until they explode, providing your loved one with a lovely surprise of art-deco paintings for the walls.
61)  Replace natural bird eggs in a nest and watch the mother bird try to figure out what's changed.
62)  Use them as unique hair toppers.
63)  Make schlocky horror movie, "Attack of the Killer Easter Eggs!"
64)  Put them all in one basket.
65)  Drop them at unsuspecting passers-by.
66)  Feed them to your dog, then leave him with the ex for a few days.
67)  Trade for baseball cards (cool!).
68)  Donate them to Major League Baseball for use in Spring Training Games or batting practice.
69)  Use them as bait at your favorite fishing hole.
70)  Gambling chips for Friday night poker game.
71)  Pad your bra.
72)  Pad your brother's bra.
73)  Hood ornament.
74)  Put them in your car to ward off carjackers and thieves.
75)  Don't grandmothers like Easter eggs?
76)  Dog treats.
77)  Keep them beside the bed in case your mate starts to snore.  Then follow these simple directions:  Open nostril, insert egg.
78)  Join a circus and use them for your juggling act.
79)  Line your walkway with them in place of stones.
80)  Put one on the top of your head and check out your posture.
81)  Paint them like the planets and make an egg universe.
82)  Drop one on an unfavorable homework assignment.  (It will be a more acceptable excuse than that one about the dog eating it.)
83)  Paint them pretty and sell them at an Easter egg stand.  Works best for people under the age of 12.
84)  Hide one in the garden hose as a special surprise to the gardener.
85)  Use Easter eggs to pick up a pretty girl.  "Oh, what a nice pair of eggs you have!"
86)  Give an Easter egg to a stranger.  It will make their day.
87)  Egg igloos.
88)  Freeze them for next year.
89)  Crush them and make wine.
90)  String them together to make a friendship necklace.  For a cheap lunch, share the Easter eggs with your friends.
91)  Shape them into flower forms for a table centerpiece.
92)  To reduce stress, throw them into a large box, while grunting and chanting.
93)  See who can build the highest Easter egg mountain.
94)  Use them as weights for exercise.
95)  Use them as a relationship substitute.
96)  Test gravity, ala Newton.
97)  Dress them up and take them for a walk.
98)  Adopt one as a pet.
99)  Use as cat toy and bat it around the room (naturally).
100)  Paint numbers on them and use as dice.
101)  Hang them from your car's rearview mirror.


Hearts and Roses and Kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year!

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass!
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week.

Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit!

So here's my story....
What else can I say?
Love bites my ass....
Fuck Valentine's Day!

VALENTINE GIFTS - by James Lileks

At the pet store I noted an array of dog products commemorating Valentine's Day.  I'm reasonably certain my dog expects nothing on February 14.  His concept of romance was surgically removed several years ago.  But even if he was a lusty pup, I still wouldn't buy him any of this nonsense.  One of the items, for example, was a pair of angel wings that would transform my dog into a furry Cupid.  I declined.  I don't like to think of angels as panting hairy beasts who thrust their faces into the groins of strangers.  Maybe that's the case, but I prefer to wait until Heaven to find out.

There were a variety of heart-shaped dog treats, which differ from human Valentine's Day treats in one important respect: they actually contain hearts.  Ground-up cow hearts, true, but hearts nonetheless.  Metaphoric circulatory organs cut no ice with dogs.   When you say "I give you my heart" to a dog, they hope you mean it literally.  There were also fake chocolates, a truly wretched idea:  real chocolate is fatal for dogs, and teaching them to eat bonbons is like giving small children pink plastic toy crack pipes in which they can pretend to smoke Pez tablets.

No gifts for the dog, then.  I am not so sure about what to give my wife.   Lingerie, perhaps?  In our eight years of marriage, I've given my wife about two ounces worth of lingerie, which translates into about 40 pieces.  One of them was so small, it was like something developed by Q division in a James Bond film; you could store it in a cavity in a molar, and deploy it in an emergency.  You needed an electron microscope to read the washing instructions.  This item vanished in the drier, or so we thought; later we found it in the lint trap.  Another garment from the Victoria's Secret catalog had so many straps and catches, it was only fit for safecracker's girlfriends.  No one else would have the patience.

Candy?  There's no more contradictory gift than chocolate and lingerie.  'Here, eat this and feel fat.  Then put this on and prove it.'  Chocolate AND lingerie is like matter and anti-matter; if women wrote more Star Trek episodes, engineers would power the warp drive by mixing precise quantities of nougat and lace.

If I do buy my wife candy, though, I'll get a box so big it requires piano movers to get it in the house.  Experience tells me that many women enjoy chocolate, but they derive greater satisfaction from not enjoying chocolate.  They'll take out an Exacto knife, shave off three microns of chocolate, and throw the rest away.  In the same way that Washington calls reductions in the growth of spending a "cut," throwing away candy you might eat constitutes weight reduction.

Such caloric paranoia doesn't extend to men, because men believe they are godly bronzed love-titans who can explain their gelatinous bellies by blaming "big bones."   (Note to men:  the abdomen is notable for its lack of bones.)  Men never have to worry about getting the WonderGut Corset for Valentine's Day, and feeling hurt because our mate doesn't think our gut is big enough.

Not to say that I won't show my dearly beloved ones how I feel.  I'll give my wife flowers, candy, and some undergarment that's less than five pixels wide.  And I'll get the dog a special treat, just like last year.  Although this time I won't buy him the thong.  It made him walk funny.

James Lileks is a nationally syndicated columnist for Newhouse News Service, as well as a columnist for the St. Paul Pioneer Press.  He's in the Washington Post now and then.  His latest collection is "Fresh Lies," published by Pocket Books.  E-Mail him at Lileks@aol.com.

Can you identify the following Christmas carols by their more common titles?

1) "Attention!  The Cherubic Messengers Perform"

2) "Jubilation Toward God's Creation"

3) "Maiden Carol"

4) "Proceed To Declare All Atop A Lofty Venue"

5) "Underage Aficionado Of Skin Covered Cylinders"

6) "Floor The Lozenges"

7) "Chalk Noel"

8) "Thoracic Squirrel Favorites Heating Upon An Uncovered

9) "Seasonal Awe Tract"

10) "Soundless Darkness"

11) "Valentino, The Cerise Proboscis Caribou"

12) "Arrival Occurred During A New Day Transparent"

13) "Creator Retire You Happy, Polite Males"


1) Attention! The Cherubic Messengers Perform
          "Hark, The Herald Angels Sing"

2) Jubilation Toward God's Creation
          "Joy To The World"

3) Maiden Carol
          "The First Noel"

4) Proceed To Declare All Atop A Lofty Venue
          "Go Tell It On The Mountain"

5) Underage Aficionado Of Skin Covered Cylinders
          "Little Drummer Boy"

6) Floor the Lozenges
          "Deck The Halls"

7) Chalk Noel
          "White Christmas"

8) Thoracic Squirrel Favorites Heating Upon An Uncovered Conflagration
          "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire"

9) Seasonal Awe Tract
          "Winter Wonderland"

10) Soundless Darkness
          "Silent Night"

11) Valentino, The Cerise Proboscis Caribou
          "Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer"

12) Arrival Occurred During A New Day Transparent
          "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"

13) Creator Retire You Happy, Polite Males
          "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen"


10.  Stinky the Yellow Snowman
9.    Eight Tiny Reindeer Carcasses
8.    I Saw Santa Wearing Mommy's Underwear
7.    Fruitcake Fart Fandango
6.    March of the Scary, Evil Wooden Soldiers
5.    Nose-picker's Noel
4.    Christmas on Death Row
3.    Mistletoe and Cold Sores
2.    Psycho Santa

And the number one Top Ten Worst Christmas Song...

1.  There's Something Wet and Smelly in My Stocking


'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.

'Cuz the cat had pounced on him
And tore him apart -
Ate his mousey intestines
And chewed up his heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleigh bells,
Which made him take pause -
He stopped daintily licking
The blood from his claws.

"Must be Santa," thought Kitty
(That quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
The chimney like that.

Indeed it was ol' Santa,
So jolly and fat
With a load of presents
And all for the cat!

"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
And shed some more fur.

There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why:

First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to 'bond' with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make your butt look fat." Also, Christmas comes at the end of the month but I have never heard the REAL Santa complain about cramps or feeling all bloaty.

What woman would be even caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair (unless they're total schnauzers).

If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. She'd be down at the North Pole Super-X every other day buying a gallon of 'Clairol Brunette # whatever'. Plus, women don't smoke pipes. Also, the sleigh and the reindeer are not equipped with an automatic transmission, a cell phone or vanity mirrors. Not to mention, I don't think Mrs. Claus is a lesbian. I also find it hard to believe that a female Santa could whip a reindeer's ass to get it moving. It's a widely-known fact that coochie-coochie talk doesn't work with reindeer.

A female Santa would only bring junk like 'Easy Bake' ovens, Baby 'Puke 'n Crap', and worst of all - CLOTHES - to all the little boys in the world because those items aren't as threatening as the really cool toys like 'Johnny Thermo-nuclear Warhead' or 'Rock-em Sock-em Robots' or 'Creepy Crawlers'. And when you leave a plate of cookies out on the kitchen table on Christmas Eve, Santa judiciously takes a bite from each one to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole damn box of Snackwells would be devoured and there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's containers all over the kitchen floor. As far as that red velvet suit is concerned, Mrs Claus withheld sex until Santa agreed to wear it.

And if all that doesn't prove without a doubt that Santa is a guy, consider this verse from the poem:

T'was The Night Before Christmas:

"He spoke not a word but went straight to his work..."

If Santa was female, that line would have read:

"She wouldn't shut up, so Christmas was postponed indefinitely..."

Measuring the Cold

+60     Californians put on sweaters.

+50     Miami residents turn on the heat.

+45     Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.

+40     You can see your breath.
           Californians shiver uncontrollably.
           Minnesotans go swimming.

+35     Italians cars don`t start.

+32     Water freezes.

+30     You plan your vacation in Australia.

+25     Ohio water freezes.
           Californians weep pitiably
           Minnesotans eat ice cream.
           Canadians go swimming.

+20     Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.
            New York City water freezes.
            Miami residents plan vacation further south.

+15     French cars don`t start.
            Cat insists on sleeping with you.

+10     You need jumper cables to get the car going.

+ 5      American cars don`t start.

  0       Alaskans put on T-shirts.

-10     German cars don`t start.
           Eyes freeze shut when you blink.

-15     You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
           Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects.
           Miami residents cease to exist.

-20     Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you.
           Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
           Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
           Japanese cars don`t start.

-25     Too cold to think.
           You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-30     You plan a two week hot bath.
           Swedish cars don`t start.

-40     Californians disappear.
           Minnesotans button top button.
           Canadians put on sweater.
           Your car helps you plan your trip south.

-50     Congressional hot air freezes.
           Alaskans close the bathroom window.

-80     Hell freezes over.
           Polar bears move south.
           Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.

-90     Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

-100   Canadian buildings turn off air conditioning.

Top Ten Rejected Christmas Toys

10. Pickle Me Elmo
Have hours of fun getting sauced with Sesame Street's Lovable red hooch monger. Johnny Walker Black included.

9. "Aberdeen Army" Barbie
A modern military lady with a slight limp and a story to tell.
"Sodomy Sergeant" Ken sold separately.

8. Nintendo 666
It's not a video game system ... it's a gateway straight to Hell!   Invite your friends over for a game of Super Mario and have hours of fun sacrificing them to your new dark master. Redemption NOT included.

7. Microsoft's "TWA 800" Flight Simulator
Enjoy seconds of fun as you pilot a commercial airliner into eternity!  Comes on one 3.5 floppy and takes up only the memory of the friends and family. This is diffidently a "smoking" flight!

6. GI Joe "Mission to Bosnia" Play set
Join Joe and his mercenary pals as they fly thousands of miles, set up camp, and then do absolutely nothing! The set comes with bright blue, easy-to-target-with-a-sniper-rifle helmets and fully "unloaded" M-16s.

5. Pedophile Theater Presents "Boy Story" on home video.
Toy's don't always come to life .... but sometimes "Uncle Ernie" comes over to baby-sit.

4. Michael Jordan "Space Scam" Action Figure
It's a small piece of plastic that doesn't do squat but you'll feel just like your dealing with the real MJ because it cost's 25 million dollars and you only get to keep it till next Christmas.

3. "Gates-opoly" from Parker Brothers
Just like the old "Monopoly" but only one person can play and you start the game with all the property on the board and all the money in the bank. You then spend the next few fun filled hours trying to buy or destroy all of the other Parker Brothers board games.

2. XXX-Files Action Figures
Now you can do what Mulder and Scully should have been doing many season's ago.... rutting like wild boars in heat!  No UFO's.  No bigfoot.  No scar-faced, telepathic serial killers.... just hours of meaningless sex in a cheap hotel on the FBI's Amex card. The truth may be "out there" but the quality lovin' is "right here."

And the number one Rejected Christmas Toy

1. Disney Automobile Air Bags
Fast moving, potentially lethal car safety equipment adorned with all your favorite Disney characters!  Watch your child's last moment's on Earth be filled with joy as he is greeted head on by a smiling, 200 mph visage of Mickey, Minnie, Donald or Goofy! ("BatWatch" and "Seinfeld" characters available for small adults).


1.  Bury them in the back yard for future archaeologists to discover.

2.  Give them to your son for a science project.

3.  Hang on to it to find out if there REALLY is more than one Fruitcake that's making it's rounds every year!!

4.  Use it to hold up a broken table or chair leg.

5.  Mash them down and use for mortar when building a log cabin.

6.  Use as exercise stepping block for step aerobics.

7.  Makes a wonderful dessert for Road Kill Cafe fare.

8.  Use them to pave the freeways with. Just place them on the road and run a steamroller over them.

9.  Use them as fillers to repair the river levees with! They last indefinitely and are so dense, water can never penetrate them.

10.  Use two fruitcakes and a connecting metal pole, and presto!  Homemade dumbells!  (The only question remaining is whether the dumbell is the homemade gadget, or the person using it!)

11.  Last and probably least - try eating it! One way to get rid of it!

Help--I know there are more holidaze jokes out there
(and let's leave my mother's moldy old fruitcake recipe
out of this...)  Please send me some more so I can post 'em!!





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