(dedicated to the southerner in us all!)
After having their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that that was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Kentuckian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to West Virginia to get a second opinion. The physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Kentucky. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...." at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
Texan in Australia
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night, the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
What's the difference between a Hoover vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson motorcycle?
With the Hoover vacuum cleaner, the dirt bag is on the inside!
The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (these are real)
Compiled by: Bill Atchley (email@example.com)
1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
2. Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
3. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
4. Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
5. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
6. How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life
7. I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
8. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
9. I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
10. I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
11. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
12. I Wanna Whip Your Cow
13. I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck
14. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
15. I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
16. I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
17. I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
18. I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
19. I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
20. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
21. If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
22. If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
23. If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
24. If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
25. Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
26. My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
27. My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
28. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
29. Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
30. Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
31. She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
32. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
33. She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
34. She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
35. Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
36. They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
37. Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
38. When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
39. You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
40. You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
41. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
42. You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
43. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
Excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."
SEED - verb, past tense of "to see".
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York, view?"
In the backwoods of Alabama, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there, Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
TEN WAYS TO TELL IF A REDNECK HAS BEEN WORKING ON A COMPUTER
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is 'Bubba'.
4. There's a gun rack on the tower.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a 'critter'.
Why do Country/Western singers have brown noses?
They've been looking for love in all the wrong places.