(dedicated to the southerner in us all!)
This Texan goes to Hawaii for vacation. The first place the tour guide takes them is a beach. The Texan says, "Well, ya know, this is really a pretty beach, but it ain't no big deal. Hell, we got beaches just as pretty on South Padre Island."
The next place they go is Honolulu. The Texan says, "Well, yeah, this is all right. But we got more buildings, and taller buildings than this, in both Houston and Dallas. This ain't no big deal."
This goes on all day--everywhere they go, there's something in Texas that's just as good. The tour guide is getting tired of this, so he takes the group up to the top of a live volcano. As they're standing around this, the tour guide looks at the Texan and asks, "Well, you got anything like this in Texas?"
The Texan thinks about it for a minute, and finally replies, "Well, no. But I'll tell you what--we've got a fire department in Waco that will put that son of a bitch out in about fifteen minutes..."
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."
One day, a 4th grader comes home from school and asks his father, "Dad, everyone in class can count to 100, but I can only count to 10. How come?"
His father says, "Well, son, that's because you're from West Virginia."
The next day, the 4th grader comes home from school and says, "Dad, today everyone in class recited the entire alphabet. I only know up to the letter 'L'. How come?"
Again, his father replies, "Well, that's because you're from West Virginia."
Then one day, the 4th grader comes home and is all excited, wearing a smile from ear to ear. He says, "Dad! Dad! Today, we were in gym class, and all the boys had little penises, but mine was huge! Is that 'cause I'm from West Virginia??"
His father replies, "No, son, that's because you're 28 years old!"
Q. How are a redneck divorce and a tornado alike?
A. Either way, you lose a trailer.
REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court with a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.
Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl who can run faster than the Governor.
Ways the Olympics Would Differ if Held in Arkansas
Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.
Little Rock's most famous strip club, "Peek-a-Boo Street", forced to change its name.
In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by Hillary Clinton.
The Big Event? The 100m Sisterchase.
No snow + No ice = Skiing through 10 inches of grits and skating on fresh bacon fat.
Instead of shooting at boring targets, biathletes take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.
Olympic officials attempt to pass off LeAnn Rimes' frantic yodeling as a medley of all the different national anthems, "includin' all them new Russian ones!"
Metal detectors replaced with ringworm detectors.
Teary-eyed awe of seeing Olympic Flame burn is replaced by teary-eyed *hyucks* of seeing Vern light his own gas.
Urine drug test magically transformed into "Distance Pissing Competition."
Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.
Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by awards of gold, silver and bronze teeth.
Curling now merely one part of the "Big Hair" competition.
Opening Ceremony reduced to Roger Clinton with a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.
Hometown favorites falter in ice skating competitions due to all them extra toes.
Two words: Billy Bobsledding
SOME GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SOUTHERN EXPRESSIONS...
- Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty and the pig only enjoys it!
- Never argue with an idiot--people watching may not be able to tell the difference!
- Observe everything; keep learning!
- It's easier to obtain forgiveness than it is permission!
- Rarely resist the opportunity to keep your mouth shut!
- Don't ask the question if you can't live with the answer!
- If you want a new idea, read an old book!
- If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there!
- Never have a philosophy which supports a lack of courage!
- Never look back unless you intend to go that way!
Our grandparents and their forebears developed a rich and colorful regional dialect. It's sad that many of these wonderful sayings have been lost--they're succinct, graphic, and usually right on target!
- You look as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs!
- That's as fine as frog's hair.
- That coffee's so weak, you could stand in a barrelful and still see your toes!
- He lies so much, he has to have his wife call the dog.
- He don't know c'm'ere from sic 'em.
- He really crapped in the oatmeal that time. (made a big mistake)
Or - He really screwed the pooch that time.
- I felt like a bastard at a family picnic!
- That's about as hard as picking fly shit out of black pepper.
- He stood out like a sugar cube in the pepper bowl! (said of a white person in a predominantly black neighborhood)
Or - He stood out like shit in a snowstorm (the reverse situation)
- He has all the qualities of a dog--except loyalty.
AND SOME MORE WONDERFUL ARCHAIC SOUTHERN EXPRESSIONS...
- Lord, if you'll come down through the roof, I'll pay for the shingles! (I need help in a big hurry!)
- When they say "haul ass," he has to make two trips.
- He's as sneaky as a weasel in the chicken house.
- I'm as busy as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking.
Or - I'm as busy as a one-armed paper hanger!
- He's ornerier than cat manure.
- He's so crooked that they'll have to screw him in the ground when they bury him.
- He's so ugly that when he lays on the beach, the tide won't come in.
- She's got a voice like a buzz saw on cast iron.
- She's 40 miles of bad road.
- He said he wouldn't take her to a dog fight, even though she had a chance to win.
- He's as tight as last winter's long johns.
- Walking away, her rear looked like two tomcats fighting in a gunny sack.
- He's so drunk, he couldn't hit his ass with both hands.
AND STILL MORE...
- He plows a straight furrow. (He's an honest man.)
- She looks like she's been rode hard and put up wet. (Like a broken-down, over-used horse.)
- That house is so small, they have to go outside to change their minds.
- He looks like he's been hit in the face with a wet squirrel.
- You look like I just offered you a grilled weasel on a toasted bun!
- That's a load of fetid dingo's kidneys!
- That's about as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
Or - That's about as useless as tits on a boar.
- She's as nervous as a whore in church.
Or - She's as nervous as a virgin in a whorehouse.
- He can cuss the gate off its hinges.
- He's sowing wild oats and praying for a crop failure.
- That's lower than a mole's bellybutton on diggin' day.
- That mare's so inbred, she's her own grandmother!
Two Kentucky women were sitting on a porch, swinging back and forth in a comfy porch chair. The younger gal had just married a rich city-slicker, and was telling her friend all about their wonderful honeymoon.
"Jes' look at this gorgeous fur coat Homer bought me!" she crooned, stroking the thick mink stole around her shoulders. "Ain't it somethin'?"
The older woman smiled and nodded, and murmured, "That's nice!"
"And you shoulda seen our fancy hotel--we stayed up all night watchin' showgirls and drinkin' champagne!" the new bride exclaimed.
Her friend placidly nodded again, and drawled, "That's nice!"
"An' lookee here at this huge diamond ring Homer bought me!" the girl cried, waving her hand in the air. "I declare, I can hardly lift my hand, it's so big an' shiny!"
The older woman leaned back in the swing and smiled a third time. "That's nice," she replied.
The young bride was starting to get exasperated, and she scowled at her friend. "I declare, Lizzie, you don't seem at all excited! Whatever did Elmo get for YOU that was so wonderful?"
Lizzie rocked the chair back and forth a few times, then cheerfully confided, "Elmo paid a lot of money and sent me to charm school! And they taught me that whenever I really wanted to say 'Fuck you!' I should say 'That's nice....' "
A Texan, a Californian, and a Seattlite were drinking their favorite beverages in a bar. The Texan threw the half-full bottle up in the air, then drew and fired his pistol, shattering the bottle. The other two were shocked that he'd waste perfectly good tequila. The Texan, however, simply drew himself up and announced, "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila."
The Californian, not to be outdone, drained his glass of wine, threw the wine bottle into the air, drew and fired his pistol, and he also shattered his bottle. Looking over at the other two with an air of superiority, he announced, "Where I come from, we have plenty of fine wine and the best of everything!"
The Seattlite drained his bottle of Red Hook Ale, threw it up in the air, drew his pistol, and shot the Californian dead. He then caught the bottle on the way down and showed it to the Texan, saying, "Where I come from, we recycle these--and we have plenty of Californians."
YOU MIGHT BE CONSIDERED A REDNECK IF...
- Your front porch collapses and you kill more than 6 dogs
- You've ever used lard in bed
- You think potted meat and saltines are an hors d'ouvre
- There is a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your house
- You consider a six-pack of beer and watching a bug-zapper quality entertainment
- Less than half of the cars you own run
- Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass
- The main color of your car is "primer"
- You honestly think women are turned on by animal voices and seductive tongue gestures
- Your family tree doesn't fork
- Your wife's hairdo has ever been caught in a ceiling fan
- Your mother has ever been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event
- You've ever barbecued spam on the grill
- The neighbors started a petition concerning your Christmas lights
- Your brother-in-law is your uncle
- You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey & the Bandit was snubbed for best picture
- The rear tires on your care are twice as wide as the front ones
- You consider True Story or Field & Stream deep reading
- You prominently display a gift you purchased at Graceland
- The diploma hanging in your den includes the words "Trucking Institute"
- Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board
- You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding
- You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader
- The most common phrase heard at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
- You think beef sticks and moon pies are two of the major food groups
- You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug
- You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior
- You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy
- You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time
- You have a rag for a gas cap
- You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken
- You've ever used a weed eater indoors
- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand
- You wait to break wind in bed so you can fan the covers on your spouse
- You have a fly-strip hanging above the kitchen table
- Your matchbook doubles as a toothpick
DICTIONARY OF MEDICAL TERMS (REDNECK VERSION)
Anti-Body against everyone Artery study of paintings Bacteria back door to a cafeteria Barium what to do when treatment fails Bowel letters like A E I O or U Cesarean Section a district in Rome Cardiology advanced study of poker playing Cat Scan searching for one's lost kitty Cauterize made eye contact with her Colic sheep dog Coma punctuation mark Congenital friendly D/C where Washington is Dilate to live long Enema not a friend Fester quicker Genes blue denim slacks Genital non-Jewish Hangnail coat hook Hemorrhoid a male from outer space Herpes what women do in the Ladies' Room Hormones what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid Impotent distinguished, well-known Inpatient tired of waiting Labor Pain hurt at work Medical Staff a doctor's cane Minor Operation coal digging Morbid a higher bid Nitrate cheaper than the day rate Node was aware of Organic organ repairman Outpatient a person who has fainted Paralyze two far-fetched stories Pharmacists person who makes a living dealing in agriculture Post-Operative a letter carrier Protein in favor of young people Recovery Room place to upholster furniture Rectum what happened to the Corvette Rheumatic amorous Saline where you go on your boyfriend's boat Secretion hiding something Tablet a small table Terminal Illness getting sick at the airport Tibia country in North Africa Tumor an extra pair Urine opposite of You're Out Varicose nearby Vein conceited
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...
1. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
2. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
3. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and MinuteMaid taste test.
4. You've ever lost a loved one to a kudzu.
5. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
6. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
7. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
8. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
9. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
10. Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
11. You've ever been arrested for loitering.
12. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
13. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
14. You own a homemade fur coat.
15. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
16. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
17. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
18. There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car/truck's back seat.