(dedicated to frustrated techies everywhere...)

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1.    For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2.    Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3.    Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4.    Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.

5.    Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

6.    Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7.    The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8.    New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9.    The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10.    Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11.    GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.  Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the justice department.

12.    Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13.    You press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

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What The Year 2,000 Could Be Like:

     Your alarm clock rings on the first business day of the Year 2000, and you expect this day to be like any other. Always the worrywart, you're staying off of airplanes and you pulled your cash out of the bank, plus the IT department at your company solved the millennium problem months ago.
     But if the public agencies in your area haven't addressed the Year 2000 glitch, you could be in for a surprise.
     The following is, of course, an absolute worst-case scenario, but parts of it could be coming to town near you and are based on actual fears expressed by agencies across the U.S.:

     7 a.m. You wake up and hop in the shower. You notice a funny smell. Obviously your local water agency's treatment facility didn't fix the millennium bug.
     8 a.m. You head for the subway, only to find that Y2K snafu's have halted trains for the day.
     8:30 a.m. You return home to get your car and drive to work.   Red lights are flashing at all of the intersections because the systems weren't Year 2000-compliant.
     9 a.m. Somebody runs one of the flashing red lights in front of you, crashing into another car. You get out to call 9-1-1, but the emergency system doesn't work.
     10 a.m. You finally get to work and have a meeting with partners in the new company you're starting. Unfortunately, the state has lost its records on incorporated companies and cannot process your request.
     Noon. You go to lunch. It's your treat because your companion didn't receive his social security check. You hold your breath while the restaurant runs your credit card - expiration date 9/00.
     2 p.m. You head for the county hospital, where you've scheduled a minor surgery. Things are in disarray because medical devices have failed throughout the day.
     4 p.m. The hospital, which has lost all of its appointments, finally admits you. An embedded chip in the elevator fails, and the assistants must drag you and your gurney up the stairs.
     6 p.m. You drive to the state college to check the grade for a class you took last semester, the last of your pre-MBA requirements. Unfortunately it's been lost, and there is no record of you ever having taken the class.
     7 p.m. You go home to call a friend and complain about your day, but the telephone line is dead because the company hasn't tackled the Year 2000 glitch.

     But then again, maybe you won't experience any of it. If your electric company isn't Year 2000-compliant, you might sleep through your alarm.

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Software Engineering Glossary of Product Terminology

NEW: Different colors from previous version.

ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.

ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.

NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.

BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.

DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.

UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.

UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.

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"The Top 50+ Geek T-Shirt Slogans"

  1.      Cannot find REALITY.SYS.  Universe halted.
  2.      COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
  3.      Buy a Pentium II 686/233 so you can reboot faster.
  4.      2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of 2.
  5.      Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
  6.      Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
  7.      My software never has bugs.  It just develops random features.
  8.      C:\DOS  C:\DOS\RUN   RUN\DOS\RUN
  9.      C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
  10.     <----------------The information went data way-----------
  11.     Best file compression around:  "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
  12.     The Definition of an Upgrade:  Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
  13.     BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
  14.     The name is Baud.......  James Baud.
  15.     BUFFERS  FILES 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
  16.     Access denied-nah nah na nah nah!
  17.     c:\> Bad Command or file name!  Go stand in the corner.
  18.     Bad command.  Bad, bad command!  Sit!   Stay!  Staaay...
  19.     Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"?
  20.     As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
  21.     Southern DOS: Y'all reckon?  (Yep/Nope)
  22.     Backups?  We don' NEED no steenking backups.
  23.     E Pluribus Modem
  24.     ... File not found.  Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  25.     Ethernet (n):  something used to catch the etherbunny
  26.     A mainframe:  The biggest PC peripheral available.
  27.     An error?  Impossible!  My modem is error correcting.
  28.     CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted:  Re-boot Washington, D.C.? (Y/N)
  29.     Does fuzzy logic tickle?
  30.     A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
  31.     11th commandemnt - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Pentium.
  32.     24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?
  33.     Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
  34.     Windows:  Just another pane in the glass.
  35.     SENILE.COM found ... Out of Memory...
  36.     Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
  37.     Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
  38.     RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
  39.     Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy?  Shell to DOS...
  40.     All computers wait at the same speed.
  41.     Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
  42.     Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue...
  43.     Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
  44.     Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
  45.     ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
  46.     E-mail returned to sender-insufficient voltage.
  47.     Help!  I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
  48.     All wiyht.  Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
  49.     Error:  Keyboard not attached.  Press F1 to continue.
  50.     "640K ought to be enough for anybody."   - Bill Gates, 1981
  51.     DOS Tip #17:  Add DEVICE=FNGRCRS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
  52.     Hidden DOS Secret:  add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
  53.     Press any key... no, no, no! NOT THAT ONE!

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TOP TEN REASONS AOL RAISED ITS RATES

Sure, AOL is a money machine.  But even the online giant needs an extra boost to the bottom line once in a while.  Here's why:

10. Pay off the settlement to Tim McVeigh
9.  Severance for CompuServe employees
8.  Need to raise money to buy Netscape
7.  Steve Case is jealous of Larry Ellison's fighter jet
6.  Have to pay the fee to the guys who creamed Bill Gates in Belgium
5. AOL programmers are all requesting "interns"
4.  Need money to pay James Earl Jones to record a new version of "You've got mail"
3.  Hiring bouncers for the chat rooms
2.  El Nino
1.  Because they can

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Beatles Songs - Revisited

"Yesterday"
-------------

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.


  ====================================

"Eleanor Rigby"
------------------
  Eleanor Rigby
  Sits at the keyboard
  And waits for a line on the screen
  Lives in a dream
  Waits for a signal
  Finding some code
  That will make the machine do some more.
  What is it for?

  All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
  All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

  Guru MacKenzie
  Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
  Isn't it fun?
  Look at him working,
  Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
  It takes a while...
  All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
  All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

  Eleanor Rigby
  Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
  Feels like a jerk.
  Guru MacKenzie
  Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
  Nothing will load.
  All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
  All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

  ====================================

"Unix Man"
--------------
  He's a real UNIX Man
  Sitting in his UNIX LAN
  Making all his UNIX plans
  For nobody.

  Knows the blocksize from du(1)
  Cares not where /dev/null goes to
  Isn't he a bit like you
  And me?

  UNIX Man, please listen(2)
  My lpd(8) is missin'
  UNIX Man
  The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.
  He's as wise as he can be
  Uses lex and yacc and C
  UNIX Man, can you help me At all?

  UNIX Man, don't worry
  Test with time(1), don't hurry UNIX Man
  The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.
  He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN
  Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody ...
  Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody.

  ===================================

"Write in C"  ("Let it Be")
------------------------------
  When I find my code in tons of trouble,
  Friends and colleagues come to me,
  Speaking words of wisdom:
  "Write in C."

  As the deadline fast approaches,
  And bugs are all that I can see,
  Somewhere, someone whispers:
  "Write in C."

  Write in C, Write in C,
  Write in C, oh, Write in C.
  LOGO's dead and buried,
  Write in C.

  I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
  For science it worked flawlessly.
  Try using it for graphics!
  Write in C.

  If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
  Debugging some assembly,
  Soon you will be glad to
  Write in C.

  Write in C, Write in C,
  Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
  BASIC's not the answer.
  Write in C.

  Write in C, Write in C
  Write in C, oh, Write in C.
  Pascal won't quite cut it.
  Write in C.

  ==========================

"Something"
---------------
  Something in the way it fails,
  Defies the algorithm's logic!
  Something in the way it coredumps...
  I don't want to leave it now
  I'll fix this problem somehow
  Somewhere in the memory I know,
  A pointer's got to be corrupted.
  Stepping in the debugger will show me...

  I don't want to leave it now
  I'm too close to leave it now
  You're asking me can this code go?
  I don't know, I don't know...
  What sequence causes it to blow?
  I don't know, I don't know...

  Something in the initializing code?
  And all I have to do is think of it!
  Something in the listing will show me...
  I don't want to leave it now
  I'll fix this tonight I vow!

(with apologies to The Beatles.....)

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The Top 20 Cool Things About a Car that Goes Faster than the Speed of Light

20. Sleep 'til noon.  Still get to work by 8:00am!

19. Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green

18. Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.

17. Never in car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.

16. Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking keep bugging you to carpool.

15. No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.

14. Lunch breaks in Paris, circa 1792.

13. LA to Vegas in 2 nanoseconds.

12. You can stop worrying about being sucked into a black hole driving home from work.

11. You'll be so thin while driving it you can even wear horizontal stripes.

10. That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.

9. Kid from Mentos commercial almost guaranteed to lose a limb if he tries to duck through back seat.

8. Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhD's in Quantum Physics.

7. Bugs never see you comin'.

6. You can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.

5. Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"

4. Car makes it from Hollywood to London fast enough to not arouse suspicions of Elizabeth Hurley.

3. License plate: "Me=mc2"

2. Cigarette butts don't land in the backseat -- they land in last week.

...and the Number 1 Cool Thing About a Car that Goes Faster than the Speed of Light...

1. Chicks dig it.

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TOP TEN RIDICULOUS HOST NAMES…
(These names are all 100% real)

dam.mit.edu

monarch.butterfly.net

gratuitouslylonghostname.apana.org.au

drag.net

my-hostname-is-longer-than-yours.mit.edu

tragically.hip.berkeley.edu

dislocated.hip.berkeley.edu

ohsaycan.ucc.american.edu

huh_huh.fire.com

vo.mit.edu

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A HELP DESK LOG

Monday
--------

8:05 am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?

8:12 am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database.  Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...

8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.

11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend!

11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.

12:00 p.m.
Lunch

3:30 p.m.
Return from lunch.

3:55 p.m.
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping.

4:23 p.m.
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.

4:55 p.m.
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.

Tuesday
---------

8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00 am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up.  He walks away grumbling.

9:35 am
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database.  Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.

10:00 am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.

10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement.  Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.

1:00 p.m.
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

1:05 p.m.
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"

1:15 p.m.
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.

1:20 p.m.
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.

2:00 p.m.
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the air vents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.

2:49 p.m.
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.

Wednesday
------------

8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form.  Tell them, "Of course, they should have been checking 'Bitset,' not 'chipset.'"   Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

9:10 am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...

10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page.  Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

10:30 am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.

11:00 am
Lunch.

4:55 p.m.
Return from lunch.

5:00 p.m.
Shift change; Going home.

Thursday
----------

8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT.  Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color. New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.

9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?!

11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!

11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.

1:00 p.m.
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...

4:30 p.m.
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

5:00 p.m.
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.

Friday
--------

8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.

9:00 am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

9:02 am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.

9:30 am
Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference.  Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.

10:17 am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.

11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.

11:20 am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.

11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"

11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff," I tell him.

12:00 am
Lunch.

1:00 p.m.
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast.

1:03 p.m.
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

2:30 p.m.
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 p.m appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.

2:39 p.m.
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document.  Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.

2:50 p.m.
Support manager calls to say mix-up at doctor's office means appointment canceled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.

3:00 p.m.
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:00 p.m.
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases.

4:30 p.m.
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:45 p.m.
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up.   Change font to Wingdings.

4:58 p.m.
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.

5:00 p.m.
Night shift shows up. Tell them that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend.

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NPR FINDS CORPORATE SUGAR DADDY

REDMOND, WASHINGTON (AP) - Only three and a half days into its semi-annual plea for money, National Public Radio abruptly halted its pledge drive.  A new corporate sponsor, identified only as "a ruthless software behemoth," has agreed to sponsor the group of stations, asking for only minor concessions in return.  The new public corporation will be known as MSNPR, and will broadcast information regarding its products and services for 3 minutes out of every quarter hour.  New programs to be added the '98 broadcast schedule are:

    "The Redmond Philharmonic Orchestra"
    A panel discussion, "Point - PowerPoint"
    "FrontPage", a news hour
    "Word", an R&B music program hosted by The Notorious N.T.
    Motivational business speakers, in "Excel!"
    "Bill's Children's Hour", for the kiddies
    A humor show, "Back at the Office"
    "Putting Up Windows", with Bob Vila

Should you experience trouble with the reception of any of these programs, MSNPR recommends you turn your radio off and back on again.

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Windows 95 Error Codes

Recently the following undocumented Windows 95 error-codes were found.  Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the Internet:

WinErr: 001 Windows loaded: System in danger.

WinErr: 002 No Error: Yet.

WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error: Your mistake is now in every file.

WinErr: 004 Erroneous error: Nothing is wrong.

WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted: System confused.

WinErr: 006 Malicious error: Desqview found on drive.

WinErr: 007 System price error: Inadequate money spent on hardware.

WinErr: 008 Broken window: Watch out for glass fragments.

WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered: Only God knows what has happened.

WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow: Mailbox full.

WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space: Free at least 50MB.

WinErr: 00C Memory hog error: More Ram needed.  More!  More!  More!...

WinErr: 00D Window closed: Do not look outside.

WinErr: 00E Window open: Do not look inside.

WinErr: 00F Unexplained error: Please tell us how this happened.

WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers.

WinErr: 013 Unexpected error: Huh?

WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked: Try anything you can think of.

WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error: System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows license is not valid anymore.

WinErr: 019 User error: Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten: Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry. (snicker)

WinErr: 01B Illegal error: You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.

WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error: Uncertainty may be inadequate.

WinErr: 01D System crash: We are unable to figure out our own code.

WinErr: 01E Timing error: Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait...

WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes: Additional errors will be lost.

WinErr: 042 Virus error: A virus has been activated in a DOS-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.

WinErr: 079 Mouse not found: A mouse driver has not been installed.  Please click the left mouse button to continue.

WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow: Too many errors encountered.  Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.

WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

WinErr: 683 Time out error: Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.

WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory: Only 50.312.583 Bytes available

WinErr: 625 Working Error: The system has been working perfectly for the past ten minutes. Please reboot.

WniErr: 902 Screen Error: The system is working perfectly, Windows is not lying, your monitor is wrong.

WinErr: 72a Crucial Halt: Hang on, WHAT was that?

WinErr: 72b Memory Error: What? Tell Windows again.

WinErr: 39c Disk Error in drive a: Although your disk is in perfect condition (Windows just formatted it), Windows didn't like it any more.

WinErr: 983 Hard Disk Error: The files on the hard disk were neatly arranged and fully optimized, so Windows had to mess them up and put a couple of hundred .TMP files all over the place.

WinErr: 294 BlackMail Error: Send $200 to Gates or your computer will get so messed up it will never work again.

WinErr: 394 Memory Error: You have been attempting to run this on a Pentium 200 with 128 MB of RAM. That is not good enough.

WinErr: 872 Windows can't be bothered doing that.

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Who or What is God?

Many important theological questions are answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer:

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project. Now we are in the maintenance phase.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him.  God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a backup tape.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching those files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.

Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail.

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Top 10 Signs You Are a Net Geek

When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.

You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends email.

You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."

At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."

After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"

Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

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HOW TO TELL YOU'RE AN E-MAIL JUNKIE 

1.  You wake up at 3 am to go the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2.  You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.

3.  You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

4.  You spend half of the plane ride with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

5.  You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

6.  You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems. 

7.  You start using smileys in your snail mail. 

8.  You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word.processor.com

9.  You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 

10. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

11. You check your mail.  It says "no new messages."  So you check it again.

12. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.

13. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

14. You tell the cab driver you live at:  http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html  

15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

16. After reading this message, you immediately E-mail it to a friend.

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Top Ten Reasons Why the Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt in the Star Trek Universe
 
  10) In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on "stun."
 
  9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of twenty just to go into warp--the Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
 
  8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable--after pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
 
  7) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
 
  6) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
 
  5) One word: lightsabers.
 
  4) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
 
  3) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
 
  2) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
 
  1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at one-quarter impulse power.  Han Solo floors it.

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Funny Posting From The "Friends Of Brent Spiner" Fan Club Newsgroup
[Please note- the following is in NO WAY intended to insult Brent or his given name(s)]

"It's a well-known fact that Brent used to use his step-father's last name, Mintz, and carried this name with him when he first broke into the Broadway scene when he moved to New York in the '70's.  Has anyone every given any serious thought about why he changed it (back to) Spiner--other than the fact that it was his father's name, and he would like to carry on that name, since his brother Ron {RIP} didn't?  (And Spiner, in my opinion, is an AWESOME name--more original than Mintz.)

I think I may have a light-humored answer to this thought-provoking question...

If anyone has been to any certain older theater venues--if you get stuck with
a seat farther back--you may have noticed that some words get mushed together because they aren't clearly audible.  (Or because of the echo effect of the house--I know this because I have done community theater in such places.)

Can you imagine closing night of a performance, and the director is on stage
going through the cast list, one by one, and everyone is taking their bows, etc.  And the director calls off Brent's name...he takes a bow...but way in the back...a guy asks his wife (they didn't bother to pick up a program so they couldn't follow along and weren't informed):

"Honey--did I hear him correctly? Did he just say that the part of {so and so} was played by BREATH MINTS?"

 

 

 


 

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