(dedicated to frustrated techies everywhere...)

Changes at NASA to Accommodate 76-Year-Old John Glenn's
Return to Space Aboard the Shuttle "Discovery"

All important devices now operated by the Clapper.
Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees.
Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.
"Early Bird" specials from Morrison's Cafeteria included on menu.
One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.
Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.
Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.
Installed a new bifocal windshield.
Space pants now go up to armpits.
Left-blinker left on for entire mission.

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Air Force "Squawks"

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough."
Solution: "Auto-land not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

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Signs Your Spouse is Having an Affair on the Computer

Lately she sits at the computer naked.
After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.
She makes sarcastic remarks about your 'software.'
Lipstick on the mouse.
During sex she screams 'A colon backslash enter insert.'
The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underpants.
The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass.

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Interesting things that you learn about computers in the movies

Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file--and there are no undelete utilities.

If a disk has encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY.

Whenever a character looks at a terminal, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.

Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

(From Independence Day) No matter what kind of virus it is, any computer can be infected with it -- even an alien spaceship's computer -- simply by running a virus upload program on a laptop.

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Bill Gates in Belgium

"Brussels police department. How may I assist you?"

"Uh...yes...I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."

"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?"

"No."

"Well, let me get a little information about you for our records.  Your name?"

"Bill Gates."

"Country?"

"The USA."

"Native language?"

"English."

"Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?"

"Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie."

"We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?"

"Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie."

"Have you visited the Prime Minister before?"

"Yes."

"Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"

"No."

"Hmm...have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?"

"Yes."

"Any pies then?"

"No."

"Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait."

"Just a minute...   Okay, I'm back."

"Did you get hit by another pie?"

"Of course not."

"Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now.  I'll make a note of the problem, though.  If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again.   Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department."

*click*

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Computer Definitions

486:
The average IQ needed to understand a P.C.

State-of-the-art:
Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete:
Any computer you own.

Microsecond:
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

Syntax Error:
Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.

GUI (pronounced gooey):
What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Computer Chip:
Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.

Keyboard:
The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse:
An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy:
The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Hard Drive:
The sales technique employed by computer salesmen.

Portable Computer:
A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.

Disk Crash:
A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User:
Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update:
A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

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TODDLER'S PROPERTY LAW
(trust me on this one...)

(1) If I like it, it's mine.
(2) If it's in my hand, it's mine.
(3) If I can take it from you, it's mine.
(4) If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
(5) If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
(6) If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.
(7) If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
(8) If I think it's mine, it's mine.
(9) If it could possibly be mine, it's mine.

(10) If I . . . OOPS! I'm sorry, I goofed! Instead of typing in the "Toddler's Property Laws," I've been typing in Bill Gates' Primary Business Plan for Microsoft!

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"How does a chicken cross the road?"

NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like...chicken.

Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ...

C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken: USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)

Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!

Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabilistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your course.

Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!

Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

Al Gore Chicken: Waiting for completion of NCI (Nation Chicken-crossing Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as it's finished, assuming he's re-elected and the Republicans don't gut the program.

COBOL Chicken:
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM
1 BY 1 UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING

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Some Computer Definitions:

EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

CPU -- A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Some GPF’s (General Protection Fault errors) we’d like to see:
- As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
- MS-Windows isn't crippleware: it's Functionally Challenged
- To see how technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press Ctrl-Alt-Del.

CURSOR:
What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#%&%$#%$% computer!"

COPY:
What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.

RAM:
What you do to the side of your computer when it's not working properly.

Multitasking:
Screwing up several things at once.

WINDOW:
What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.

DUMP:
The place all your former hobbies and your life wind up soon after you install your computer.

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REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

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This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not - and made the web department take it down immediately. (In case you don't know: McDonnell Douglas is one of the world's chief suppliers of military aircraft).
______________________________________________________________________

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1.    [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: ......................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ......................................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name: ......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ..........
2.    Which model aircraft did you purchase? [_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon
       [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified
3.    Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... /.......
4.    Serial Number:.................................................
5.    Please check where this product was purchased:
       [_] Received as gift / aid package [_] Catalog showroom [_] Independent arms broker
       [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified
6.    Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
       [_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage
       [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
       [_] Was attacked by one
7.    Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
       [_] Style / appearance [_] Speed / maneuverability [_] Price / value
       [_] Comfort / convenience [_] Kickback / bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson
       [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
       [_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8.    Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
       [_] North America [_] Central / South America [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Europe
       [_] Middle East [_] Africa [_] Asia / Far East [_] Misc. Third World countries
       [_] Classified
9.    Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
       [_] Color TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
       [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon
10.   How would you describe yourself or your organization?  (Check all that apply:)
       [_] Communist / Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_] Democratic
       [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive / Tribal
11.    How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
       [_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal check
       [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveler's check
12.   Your occupation:
       [_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary
       [_] Tyrant [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric billionaire
       [_] Defense Minister / General [_] Retired [_] Student
13.    To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
       [_] Golf [_] Boating / sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running / jogging
       [_] Propaganda / disinformation [_] Destabilization / overthrow [_] Default on loans
       [_] Gardening [_] Crafts [_] Black market / smuggling [_] Collectibles / collections
       [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_] Interrogation / torture [_] Household pets
       [_] Crushing rebellions [_] Espionage / reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing
       [_] Border disputes [_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division

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Q: How many e-mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  1,331
  -   1 to change the light bulb and to post to the list that the light bulb has been changed.
  -   14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
  -   7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
  -   27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
  -   53 to flame the spell checkers
  -   156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
  -   41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
  -   109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
  -   203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
  -   111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
  -   306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
  -   27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
  -   14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
  -   3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
  -   33 to summarize all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
  -   12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
  -   19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
  -   4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
  -   1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
  -   47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
  -   143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
  -   27 to post in HTML because they are using the IE or Netscape that had it turned on by default and are too clueless to look
  -   48 to complain about the HTML posts
  -   27 to post 'sorry I didn't realize it was on' -- in HTML
  -   96 to complain about more HTML and post detailed instructions on how to change the setting
  -   58 to mumble something about using a web browser to read mail
  -   12 MIME posts with useless colors and bolds saying thanks for the help with the HTML mail
  -   1 to post a GIF/JPG of the lightbulb hanging too close to their digital camera.
  -   1 complaint from the guy using /usr/ucb/Mail who wants to know what the *@&(%$!@ has been going on
  -   58 to complain about the binary post
  -   74 to say they liked the binary and didn't mind it
  -   1 post about how you can MAKE MONEY FAST!!!!! by selling lightbulbs and this report available for only $5.
  -   1328 to reply to the list with the full spam attached and then put 'remove' at the end
  -   3 to flame the other morons for replying to the spammer and CCing the list

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A Guide to Software Revisions

Once you start playing with software, you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev code than that. This listing provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.

1.0:
Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus, and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.

1.1:
We fixed all the killer bugs ...

1.2:
Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.

2.0:
We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.

2.1:
Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.

2.2:
Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused!

2.3:
Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!

3.0:
Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.

3.1:
Of course, we did break a few little things.

4.0:
More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ...

4.1:
Just one or two bugs this time ... Honest!

5.0:
We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this.

6.0:
We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.

6.1 ?

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MICROSOFT TESTER DIES TRAGICALLY AT HANDS OF "PAL"

     REDMOND, WA - The Microsoft Redmond Campus was rocked by tragedy today as Paul Fitzgerald, Test Engineer on the Windows NT Team, was brutally murdered in an apparently psychotic tirade by one of the "personalities" of Microsoft's latest operating system shell program, Bob. In the small hours of this morning, Java, the "friendly" coffee-drinking dinosaur, burst from the screen of Fitzgerald's computer, cutting a swath of destruction throughout the hapless worker's office and into the accompanying hallway.
    The beast was quickly subdued by Microsoft Campus Security upon failing to produce a valid Microsoft keycard, avoiding what could otherwise have been a tragedy of much greater proportions. He is currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation at the Washington Institute for Perfectly Valid Lifeforms Who in the Heat of the Moment Do Some Absolutely Naughty Things. Says Lars Opstad, chief spiritual healer and concert pianist, "It's touch and go right now. I don't think Java yet realizes the immensity of what he's done."
     Eyewitnesses say that they could hear the stegosaur-like computer guide screaming "All I wanted was a GOOD espresso" in those terrible moments before dawn. Said Rover Retriever, another Bob personality, "This is just terrible. Java was always such a great guy. Sure, he was a little high strung, but I can't believe he would do something like this. I think we need to seriously re-examine the stress that the Bob Personality group is under so that another such incident doesn't occur."
     A possible precipitant to the incident could be Java's recent attempt to  quit smoking as a result of a clause in his contract.  Lawyers are examining whether this constitutes a violation of  discriminatory hiring statutes on Microsoft's part. Microsoft Legal could not be reached for comment, but an undisclosed source asserted "We couldn't have him puffing away like that. He's a dinosaur, not a dragon. It would confuse the market."
     Coroner's reports say Fitzgerald died instantly of cardiac arrest, but are unclear on whether this was a result of the vicious attack or the fact that Bob installed successfully on NT.

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Bill, The Contractor, And The Furniture

     The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house...
     Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
     Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
     Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated."
     Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
     Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
     Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."
     Bill: "Stacker?"
     Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and
then put it back when you're done."
     Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
     Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
     Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular.  How do I fix that?"
     Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
     Bill: "You're kidding!?"
     Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
     Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
     Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
     Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
     Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."
     Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
     Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."
     Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
     Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

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Let's compare Windows 95 against another savior, Jesus of Nazareth:

Jesus

Can walk on water.
Sits in judgment at the pearly gates.
Started life as a carpenter.
Born in a manger.
Remembered for protecting the weak.
Was raised from the dead.
Jesus performed great works for the multitudes.
Jesus has no sin.
Windows 95

Can crawl on a 486.
Will be used to judge Bill Gates.
Turns perfectly good computers into furniture.
Resembles something found in a barn.
Has weak memory protection.
Was created from Windows 3.1
Windows 95 multitasking performance barely works.
Windows 95 has no shame.

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REASONS WHY COMPUTERS ARE BETTER THEN WOMEN

A computer can wait forever for you.
A computer doesn't compare you with its past users.
A computer doesn't get calls from its past users while you're logged in.
A computer doesn't mind how excited you get.
A computer doesn't tell you how completely terrific its past users have been.
A computer is big in all the right places.
A computer never forgets your birthday.
A computer won't ask, "Are you in?"
A computer won't ask, "Is there another computer?"
A computer won't even talk about marriage.
A computer won't fall in love with you just because you have sex.
A computer won't get bitchy if you're slow to respond.
A computer won't grade you on how much you send it.
A computer won't look through your checkbook.
A computer won't mind how many other accounts you have, or if you keep getting new ones.
A computer won't say, "Let's just be friends."
A computer won't shave with your razor.
A computer's maintenance personnel don't cross-examine you every time you log in.
Computers are easy to turn on.
Computers are ready when you are.
Computers are very responsive.
Computers aren't into finding out how far you'll go to keep your account.
Computers do everything you tell them to.
Computers don't care about age differences.
Computers don't care if you're married.
Computers don't get pregnant.
Computers don't get upset if you use other computers.
Computers don't insist on foreplay.
Computers don't make you meet their parents.
Computers don't mind if you share them with a friend.
Computers don't mind spending hours on the phone with you.
Computers don't play head games unless you ask them to.
Computers never ask you to call them in the morning.
Computers never have headaches, or take rain-checks, or have a curfew, or have that time of the month.
Computers won't mind if you don't like their friends.
If you don't like the feel of one terminal you can easily switch to another in less than a minute.
Size doesn't count to a computer.
The average computer session lasts four hours.
With a computer, you never have to say you're sorry.
You can log into several computers at once.
You can turn off a computer.
You can visit a computer any time you like, and it'll be up and ready for you.
You don't have to tell computers you love them.

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Proof That Bill Gates III Is The Anti-Christ...

The real name of Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.  Nowadays he goes by Bill Gates III. 
By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII values and adding his III, you get the following:

B   66

I   73

L   76

L   76


G   71

A   65

T   84

E   69

S   83

+   3
-------------

666


Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence?  Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement???  Before you decide, consider the following:

M S - D O S 6 . 2 1

77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666

W I N D O W S 95

87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666

Coincidence? You decide...

 

 


 

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