(need we say more??)
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a dozen.
Brunette: My God! I had no idea he was that good!
Blonde (looking shocked): Oh, you mean with one guy?
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night, the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
The Honeymoon's Over
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the pretty blonde bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so--how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," the girl replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Then suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language--things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home...PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed -- they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook!!"
The Blonde's Tape
One day a blonde received a gift certificate to a spa for a massage. She happily got in her car and drove to the spa to use her certificate. When she arrived, the hostess asked her to remove the headphones she was wearing, and to have a seat.
The blonde replied that if she took her headphones off, she would die. The woman laughed and asked her one more time, and still the blonde refused. While the blonde was getting her massage she fell asleep because she was so relaxed. The woman took that as her chance to remove the headphones.
A couple of minutes later, the blonde died! Feeling awful, the woman placed the
headphones on her head and listened.
A calm voice was saying, "Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale....."
Q. What goes Vroom...Schreech...Vroom...Schreech...Vroom...Schreech?
A. A blonde behind the wheel at a blinking red light.
(What's a blonde doing in a red light district anyway?)
I recently saw a distraught young blonde weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker! Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they [pointing to a distant convenience store] would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote 'thingy,' " she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied. "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries--it's a long walk."
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
Several years ago we had a blonde intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing, and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier, and proceeded to make five blank copies.