(Some Funny, Some Raunchy...But All Great!!)
A horse and a rabbit were playing a meadow. The horse fell into a mud hole and started sinking. He called to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out. The rabbit ran to the farm, but the farmer couldn't be found. He drove the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and tied some rope around the bumper. He then threw the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drove the car forward--saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again, and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my dick and pull yourself up!" The rabbit did, and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes!
Finally, the answer:
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question..."
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - Dave Platt
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."- Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."- Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." - Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." John S. Nichols
Reasons Sheep are Better Than Women
Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth
You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear
Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather
Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease
Nuttin' beats mutton
Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel
Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early
Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down
Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them
No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a willing ewe
Sheep are never concerned about their reputation
Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up
Sheep won't ask if you're gay the first time you can't get it up for the second time
Sheep never insist on eating out
You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture of Mel Gibson
Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late
Sheep don't smell like tuna fish
Sheep don't get moody once a month
You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck in your teeth
A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest of her life after one roll in the hay
A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed
A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon
A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car
A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles her to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains
A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...and pay
A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your pickup
A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy
A sheep won't care if you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator
A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheck on new clothes, none of which are see-through or meant to be worn in the bedroom
A sheep will never sue you for palimony
A sheep won't care if you screw her sister
A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is
A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while you're screwing
A sheep won't use you razor to shave its legs, or your pocketknife to open a paint can
Sheep never have a headache
A sheep won't give your favorite hunting shirt to Goodwill
A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom
A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and pick up a box of tampons
Sheep grow their own fur coats
A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room couch when you're having friends over to watch football
Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend
A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in the morning
Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex
A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up
A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it doggy style
A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom
A sheep won't think your cheap and tacky if you:
send daisies instead of long-stemmed red roses,
tip less than 20%,
wear Levis with a hole in the seat, or
open beer bottles with your teeth
Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on
Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning
Sheep don't mind doing it in a pickup truck
A sheep will never use the excuse that:
she just did her nails,
it's too hot,
it's too cold,
you'll wake the kids,
you'll wake the neighbors,
she's too drunk to enjoy it,
she's not drunk enough to enjoy it
A sheep will never leave you for a cucumber
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.
He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Genius, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is your first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde.
She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the first man.
"Well," the owner says, "that parrot knows how to use a computer."
The man then asks about the next parrot, and is told that this one costs $1,000, because it can do everything the first parrot can, plus it knows how to use an UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot, and is told that it costs $2,000. "What can that bird do?" he urges, stunned.
The owner shrugs and replies, "To be honest, I haven't seen him do a damn thing. But the other two call him boss!"
These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
- "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
- "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
- "Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to the wilderness."
- "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
- "Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
- "All the mile markers are missing this year."
- "Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
- "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
- Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
- "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
- "Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
- "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
- "Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
- "Need more signs to keep area pristine."
- "A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
- "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
- "Too many rocks in the mountains."
Remember, these people probably DROVE to the mountains and wilderness so that they could hike, camp, etc. This means that these people are ON THE ROAD with you! Scary, huh?
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM MY DOG!!
- If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you will get what you want.
- Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
- When it comes to having sex, if at first you don't succeed, beg.
- Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
- Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
- Always give people a friendly greeting; a cold nose in the crotch is effective.
- Don't go out without I.D.
- When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
- If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
- When you go out into the world, remember: always take time to smell the roses...and the trees, the grass, the rocks, the street, the fire hydrants...
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM A COW!!
1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
2. Don't cry over spilled milk.
3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!
4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.
5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all it's worth!
7. It's better to be seen and not herd.
8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.
9. Never take any bull from anybody.
10. Always let them know who's the bossy.
11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.
12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.
13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.
When the cat was run over by a car, the mother quickly disposed of the remains before her four year old son, Billy, found out about it.
After a few days, Billy finally asked about the cat.
"Billy, the cat died," his mother explained. "But it's all right. He's up in heaven with God."
The boy blinked a few times, then demanded, "What in the world would God want with a dead cat?"
THE PARROT AND THE YOUNG LADY
This young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot.
The guy behind the counter says that he only has one, and that it's a real "smart-ass," with a vulgar vocabulary and rude temperament.
The woman says, "That's okay, I know how to handle jerks like that. I want the parrot anyway."
So the woman gets the bird home, puts it in her room, and starts to get ready for bed. Just as she gets her slacks off, the parrot says, "AWK...NICE LEGS, BABY!"
Well, the woman isn't going to stand for that kind of language, so she takes the bird out of the cage, and puts it in the freezer for three minutes.
While the parrot's in the freezer, he becomes very certain that this was the wrong thing to say, and is making a large mental note about saying that again.
The next night, the woman is again getting ready for bed. This time the parrot knows not to say anything about her legs, but after she removes her blouse, and then her bra...the parrot just can't resist any longer. He blurts out, "AWK...GREAT TITS, BABY! LET'S SEE YA SHAKE 'EM!"
This upsets the woman again, so she decides that instead of three minutes in the freezer, she's going to keep the parrot in there for five minutes.
Well, the parrot has lots of time to think this time. Remorse gives way to desperation, and finally to anger, so the adrenaline rush helps to keep him alive.
Finally the woman opens the freezer door to take out the nearly-frozen parrot. "Well," she demands, "have you learned your lesson?"
The parrot is still shivering so hard that he can barely speak. But he manages to force out one chattering question... "AWK...YEAH, SURE! BUT I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION..."
The woman hesitates. "Yes?" she asks.
The parrot says, "AWK...WHAT DID THE TURKEY DO, ASK FOR A BLOWJOB?"
A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down.
He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage, where the mechanic told him that he'd need a few hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good-natured bird, didn't complain, but wandered off to find the closest supermarket.
He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour, he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream, and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage, covered in ice cream.
The mechanic walked over to him, wiping his hands and shaking his head. "It looks like you blew a seal!" he exclaimed.
Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh, no! It's just ice cream."
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that T-Square was a pretty smart dog.
The Accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that Slide Rule was a pretty smart dog.
But the Chemist said that his dog could do even better! He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces, all without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that Measure was a very smart dog.
The three men then turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!"
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he'd injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation, and went home on sick leave.
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine!"
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here three years, and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPING ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to 'take care of.' I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows!"
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulled up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL in it: the BIGGEST son-of-another-bull these guys had ever seen! At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem...you know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of. I'll stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM! I'm certainly not looking for an argument!"
They both looked over at their young friend, the third bull, and found him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows, and live to tell about it!"
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows! I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"